THE EVER RETURNING

My mornings are .. a living nightmare.

Every single morning I wake up with some pretty intense anxiety. I have been given pills to deal with this which are diazepam and they do tend to work .. a little over half of the time.

There are so many things I am now worried about that just has this damned anxiety .. run riot. It does occur at other times of the day on occasion. But I am so busy during the day that I do not think it gets much of a chance to set in?

This is because I am either watching children, as I am right now and two this time, or taking people somewhere.

Because of all this I also forget to do things, which I used to do even living on my own. This .. memory loss also causes my anxiety to flare up.

This is very likely because there is so much responsibility on everyone’s shoulders these days and with that and just as another excuse to get more money so many punishments and fines. You would think that the anxiety would remind you but that is not always the case.

I spend most of my time .. away from my things. All my usual things as well as important things and the things I sometimes need to do .. important things.

Sudden changes in routine, things needing to be done and local schools, or at least one, that sends you a letter home with less than 24 hours notice to requiring something. I believe that school is either run by idiots or the authorities are all idiots for not forcing the school or schools on the Wirral to give more notice to parents. Most hilarious is when it is something that requires spending money when many families here are struggling and then some.

But I digress.

The anxiety I have is .. terrible.

I think I have explained before that at one point it was so bad it caused something they call Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs where the signals from the brain to the legs literally start to shut down.

When this occurs it starts of like an odd feeling .. when it happened about a year back I noticed my legs slowed down. I was in a seated position and already in the throws of anxiety and my knees were swinging in and out due to the anxiety. Then I noticed they slowed down and eventually were moving at a snail’s pace. This was odd because .. well it felt in my head, if that makes sense, that they were still working the same speed that they had been. I literally thought for a moment I was losing my mind. Well I was .. kinda.

I turned to the friend who I had been visiting and said “My legs .. are not working properly!” and he gave me a strange look. Yeah .. it must have sounded very weird. I stood up and I felt wobbly. The weird thing was that my friend was a Type 1 diabetic, well whatever number the bad one is, and I felt like he sometimes looked when his sugar was low. I was swaying a little.

Back then I did not go anywhere without a walking stick and I was panicking a little about what was happening to me. I told my friend I needed to go home and turned down the offer of a lift in his car. I thought that trying to walk might ease whatever it was that was now happening to me? But .. no.

God knows what I looked like to others and I was self-conscious about this, only because I know the look that diabetics get when their sugar is low. People naturally assume they are drunk.

People naturally assume a lot of things .. and get it wrong.

I phoned ‘111’, I never ring ‘999’, and explained the symptoms to them and they sent someone round and they could not find the problem and later I got a call from my GP of the time, who booked me in for the next morning. In the evening things calmed down but I decided to go and have a look online and after some searching I found the Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs thing.

I told the Doctor the next morning, who had no idea himself what was going on, and it was yet another time I discovered the answer before a professional did.

Now at the time I had told both people I saw and my friend that I had never experienced this before but later realised I was wrong on that one.

It had indeed occurred once before a very, very long time ago and it moved my onset of Fibromyalgia to many years earlier than I had even started asking about it. The year was roughly 1991 and it was kinda caused over a bout of anxiety over a woman. Oddly and despite living 250 miles away from the place where it occurred in Hertford, East Herts, the woman in question now only lives a few miles away. I never told her and we broke up over twenty years ago now.

So my Fibromyalgia definitely goes back to 1991 .. and I had been asking about it after it started to affect my feet, which was around 2001. I self-diagnosed this condition of Fibromyalgia around 2013 .. then after some resistance and lies had it confirmed at Guy’s Hospital around 2013-14. Well I was posting on here when I discovered it so it can be checked.

Oddly enough it was a little later on by about a year or two after the first Rubber Legs event that the first symptoms started to occur. Tiredness and even the first feelings of being depressed and I remember being prescribed Prothiaden.

The Doctors I saw would have been more than a dozen over the years even for just the General Practitioner’s alone. I was under GP Surgeries in three separate location just in Walthamstow alone and the Forest Road Medical Centre I probably saw close to ten GP’s. I distinctly recall three separate black GP’s at this same practice, an Arab GP, another two east Asian .. at least two women GP’s one Indian and one .. Portuguese. There may well be others I have forgotten over the years? That is eight under one practice just to give an example.

I have had five GP practices just in Enfield, my last one had three GP’s .. the one before that had two, a father and son, and the one before that I saw .. three I think? Before that it was a single GP practice. Before that one was a large multi GP practice and this one I saw .. four I think, though might have been more?

That is at least twenty one separate General Practitioner’s over twenty years and this does not include locums, hospital Doctors or Specialists.

Chase Farm Hospital I saw .. several. At Barnet I saw two .. in one appointment .. I know I have been there two other times but I cannot recall what for. North Middlesex Hospital I have seen at least three. Whipps Cross Hospital I probably see the most Doctors and specialists as I lived there on and off from around 1986 until 2007. Saw a Rheumatologist there, my first for my feet around 2003 .. ish? I dunno but the letter from that is on here .. somewhere. Two endoscopies that were years apart both at Whipps Cross Hospital the diagnosis of each look to be wrong, by a GP’s own suspicion and comments about it around 2011 to 2012. Might have been a little earlier?

So you see it runs into the dozens .. even regarding my back I had several people.

The funny thing was I wanted all of the symptoms dealt with at once as it seemed obvious to me ll along that they must all be caused by the exact same thing? But this was NOT the attitude of Doctors and the NHS at the time or indeed .. now. I was also told a couple of times it was not possible that these symptoms could be caused by the same thing.

Wrong answers, wrong diagnosis and lies, the latter being discovered much later, was all I got from the NHS for over twenty years. An attitude that was to leave me open to attack fro others, refused help and support from others and actually aggravate my condition. Causing ever more frequent and intense pain, ever more frequent and intense anxiety and now to the point my blood pressure is though the roof, I have had hundreds of grey-outs and worse and now complications with my chest and heart.

So after all that the government, with successive ones causing my condition to worsen, now want to stand behind me with the proverbial whip to get me to work. Well if is the right work and I get help doing it and left with more money to be able to run the car I need to work .. great. But they are not and have even taken money away from me, living component at the present time but want me to work. Yeah .. maths, dear people .. MATHS!

I have carried that and many other things on my shoulders for years.

I have been in some dark places and am even in one right now .. which may turn out to be the worst one of all, now down to the same attitude only with someone else as well as me!

Only this person does things I would not only find impossible but doe to the absolute sheer incompetence in failing to spot my illnesses but other potentially fatal ones I may have to do it. But I have no idea how I will do it!

When I started this blog I explained the attitudes and the issues I had and I told everyone what these were and what was wrong. I also made a bunch of predictions too and among these is that people would die.

I predicted that cutting the mental health sufferers off would even cause a rise in deaths.

I predicted that the NHS would cause a rise in deaths.

I should have predicted that the Police’s attitude would cause a rise in deaths and maybe I even did?

I predicted that the DWP would cause a rise in deaths.

I predicted that the Local Councils would cause a rise in deaths.

It is bloody annoying that I did not realise it before but this particular change in numbers due to deaths is even capitalised on by the government to make their numbers and their record look good! Now you cannot get more evil than that now, can you?

Take the numbers of people that have died and make those numbers look to the public as if they are doing a good job?! Your bonkers if you think they do not know they are doing it and fecking amoral if you have no problem with that.

Many of my predictions have come true and with every day, week and month that passes more are reported on all the time. Most not in the mainstream media mind you. But that is another story I have covered over and over again.

So it was with both sadness and anger that I heard about a young woman called Averil Hart. A young lady who died of a heart attack who was anorexic. She was failed by the NHS and this time in Norfolk I the east of England.

According to the news media the PHSO, or Parliamentary Health Services Ombudsman, stated that she was ‘failed by every NHS body’.

Wow! Just .. fucking .. WOW! The PHSO actually do something .. too late just like everyone else.

My advice to the poor girl’s family is beware of the PHSO as like all ombudsman they are there for damage limitation, despite us paying for them too!

I know this to be true because after I got recordings of Doctors and Specialists lying and falsifying test results I went through the bullshit procedures only there as a time-wasting exercise and they took up my complaint. I got letters and compliment slips along with a couple of emails off them for almost two years. One day it occurred to me that they had been quiet for several months so I contacted them. This is how it went ..

  • PHSO: Who are you we have no record of your complaint

  • ME: What?! But you have been contacting me for nearly two years about this!

  • PHSO: No, we have no record of you, we checked again (no RECORD do not forget)

  • ME: Well I have records of someone from you contacting me (gave them his name I think was Jonathan White)

  • PHSO: We have no record of a Jonathan White ever working for the PHSO

  • ME: Well that’s funny .. if your going to intend to lie to members of the public do not put your staff member’s name in your email address

  • PHSO: (silence and never hear from again)

So yeah .. do not trust them. But then I have learnt that you cannot trust anyone.

Also on searching for the BBC report of this shocking story I discovered something else I have been predicting for a long time too.

The first sign that other nations are started to notice things about the UK? I have a link from a website in India. I must admit that this is not something that I have really researched to see who is saying what about the UK.

Two people here with disabilities and responsible for four children, two autistic, and each of us never want to wake up in the morning at times .. and I mean ‘ever’ wake up.

Meanwhile I am under this stupid system where I need to remember to call my GP Surgery at 8am for an appointment to avoid being forced to wait two weeks. Did that for my first appointment despite it being potentially serious and still is.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-42267778

I also said that eventually the bad news will spread to other nations who will start to look at the UK and ask awkward questions.

I wonder how many have possibly paid for advice from UK organisations that have claimed for years they are something they are not?

http://theasiatimes.in/anorexic-student-averil-hart-failed-by-every-nhs-body/

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