I cannot do this any longer.
I have been on a severe anxiety low for a few days and added to this I have tried to find a way out of my current predicament and I cannot.
In fact I only seem to find more bad news that sends me further down. One that set me off was that you cannot get benefits while being homeless .. which looks kind of inevitable.
The symptoms are also getting too much, unable to get my prescription pills has not helped. This motion sickness type thing has even developed from feeling like the train is falling when riding one to feeling like I am falling each night when I get tired and close my eyes.
There are the usual pains of my feet, back and shoulders though this has now been accompanied by severe aching in my thigh muscles, which comes about by way of a magnesium deficiency.
The NHS and consecutive GPs have failed me time after time after time and I have had my known facts and other suspicions confirmed. Report after report of the government meddling and corrupting the NHS from Nurses through to GPs and up to hospitals.
I am staying in a home that is absolute torture .. bullied and stressed out all of the time and now my anxiety has made me .. bed bound for a few days now.
My heart is either feeling like a hand is on it squeezing it tight or my heartbeats are beating out of my chest which feel really uncomfortable, when it is not racing.
The one thing that is probably happening that I do not feel is my blood pressure is up .. but that might be about to change as I have gone of food. Which matters not.
I do not have the guts, quite obviously, to take my own life in many ways. So the fact I have gone off food, something I have done before, makes it easy for me to go on a type of hunger strike until the eventual and inevitable happens.
Today someone is calling me that will want me to go and stay somewhere for a few nights .. a kind of suicide refuge .. place. But I do not know and very much doubt if I can get there. I was in contact with them once before and never managed to get there that time.
I have tried .. I have tried to get out taking photographs for my Flickr account and have been adding to my corruption, British Wildlife and A Feel for Photos blogs so I have been trying. But like the refuge people said to me in an email ..
“That is far too much to take on”
All requests for help all think that just talking about it, therefore talking you out of it, are the answer and they are not. Not for many occasions. This is fine if it purely on an emotional level but as I said to the Samaritans .. sometimes only practical help will change anything.
My legal help has not amounted to much either and I am going to have to email her too and explain that I wont be able to get to the court hearing over my PIP!
Outside of my inheritance which has all gone thanks to the public services seeing a chance to save even more money .. everything else I have tried has never worked out. Just look through this blog and it goes back six years .. but then that was what I had intended. Because I thought many things prior to starting my blogs and one was that nothing ever works out. Despite the number of charities and help groups out there .. when you go to them nothing gets done either. You just get fobbed off or have these obstacles put in your place they expect you to dance around. Often even the first thing you see on their websites is a plea for people to donate money.
Then you get to the stage that you want to curl up and die and it takes all your will power just to get to the fucking lavatory and then they want you to go her and go there .. which just ends up with the same results as al the others .. so why bother? Done all that before .. gets you nowhere.
Of course I have also believed that there would be powers that would try to thwart me and .. well that certainly seems to be the case.
I even had someone who contacted me via a dating site .. who turned out to have .. gone through the interview process for MI5, sent me a picture of a GCHQ Puzzle Book, Cosmos book (I own the DVD set), Hawking’s a Brief History of Time (I also own), Sky At Night Magazines, quantum mechanic books and .. one with a cover having Schroedinger’s Cat on it and Advanced Mathematics. Oh and one on biological warfare some thought might have been a threat? It has been well known for years, even my third girlfriend knew this one twenty years ago, that I was into redheads. Take a guess at the hair colour of this woman? Red. Oh and she also deleted her account a little after giving me her phone number.
Now what does that all sound like to you?
I have referred to this before but I did not say too much about it because I was probably never going to be sure and it could have been a trap. I publish the recordings and her photo and .. well .. they could never be proved to be of a clandestine organisation .. masquerade as a private individual and I could have had my blog shut down. Yeah I was onto that one pretty early but then I would never have published until I was sure and that was unlikely to ever happen anyway.
That reminds me .. I have to get the recordings of her off my phone and onto another computer .. for someone else to publish at a later date.
In fact I suppose I am going to have to think up other things I need to do other than the ones I have already done?! I need to start making a list out.
Well it looks like they will get their wish. I have had enough of all this and .. it will take time but I am not playing this game any more. There will be the odd post but in time .. or maybe sooner if I get the guts .. or something sets me off to do it, this will be ending before very long.
I tried cutting my wrists again but its just too damn difficult. Probably because I am doing that too slowly? I am coming around to thinking that it has to be a quick hard action?
Anyway .. there may be the odd post .. and I will continue to link stories in here but there are likely to be larger .. gaps between some posts.
I am going to lose energy, no doubt, so that will be problematic along the way.
I may end up in this .. refuge centre .. I am just unsure about that right now.
I cannot stop the pain and the pain is too great. Just in my own personal life ..
.. then there are the things I am going to have to endure watching before long .. my daughter’s cervical cancer, Fibromyalgia and blood clot, missed, ignored and fecked up .. in that order. Added to this is severe Autism being ignored in one granddaughter, severe seizures being ignored in another granddaughter. All under an area where the healthcare is already, or has previously been, listed as inadequate they are now seriously trying to cover up.