THE MANY THINGS

I did think I would be offline for abut a week .. but that has not started yet.

Tired because of an Autistic child refuses to go to sleep until after midnight and I am alone so have to be awake until she is asleep.

Well now?

A 94 year old war veteran that says some pretty interesting as well as very nice things that I am partially relieved to hear .. or rather read.

Unfortunately .. it will take a lot more to relieve me and I am working on that .. I have emailed some organisations as I feel like a fish out of water, confused .. panicky .. having anxiety attacks and now having to move around an area I do not know, Wirral, when I used to get confused due to memory problems 250 miles away at my last home and known to me all my life, Enfield, Essex and East Hertfordshire.

In fact the mother of the daughter I currently live with close to I actually met in Hertford, though she is from the Wirral.

My anxiety is at incredible levels.

Self harming worse than I did last time, thank you so much Tory government!

I had hoped to generate my own help via three different methods ..

  • Patreon Account for me
  • GoFundMe Crowd Funding account, for my daughter as I am almost out of savings, they have annoyingly suspended again for a second reason I cannot fathom and have emailed them asking for an explanation and ..
  • JustGiving account for my daughter again because GoFundMe is blood annoying
Other methods are ..
  • Google Adsense advertising via blogs but they vanished a year ago .. no reasons given

But this war veteran?

How about these quotes from the Evolve Politics link below ..

If I were Prime Minster I would table a bill making it illegal for politicians and former politicians to be awarded because when the pavements of Britain are littered with homeless citizens, you were derelict in your duty to humanity. – Harry Leslie Smith via Twitter

And this comment on his statements by Evolve Politics ..

94 year old WWII Veteran and Twitter legend Harry Leslie Smith has just gone and absolutely nailed the glaringly unjust nature of Britain’s elitist honours system. – Evolve Politics

https://evolvepolitics.com/a-94-year-old-wwii-veteran-just-exposed-the-disgusting-elitism-of-the-uk-honours-system/

EDIT:

My great grandfather, one Reginald Kirlew, was a test pilot for Avro and the RAF and died test piloting the Avro Manchester .. they then gave up and the Avro Lancaster was born .. I often wonder what he would make of the country he died for if he could communicate with us?

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WHEN IT GETS TOO MUCH

Well it’s been getting to this.

Been getting too much for me .. the stress, the area, my memory, my finances, the DWP and other things.

The mornings are unbearable.

Think I need to call someone at some point.

But desperately trying to help my daughter and grandchildren move house.

WAITING FOR THE TIDE TO TURN

It is a series of stressful days.

What I am both waiting for and praying for is the finality of it and hope that it changes things as far as stress levels go.

Anxiety is a horrid thing .. if the levels are high enough. You do things that are no longer natural or make any sense. But they happen just the same.

What is annoying is not knowing things. You think an event is the source of your issues, plus my dropping savings that are sinking like a stone, but you do not know for sure.

I am tempted to make a big change myself .. to both relieve the stress, well two lots of stress actually, while getting my savings back up. But there is a stumbling block.

What is annoying is I have four months to do this but I am panicking about doing it now. It makes no sense.

But I will have to do something by the end of January 2018.

But that is if nothing happens in the meantime and I wish I had some sort of sign that something will but .. in my experience things simply do not work out. As both my sister and my daughter like to remind me.

I could email a few places to see if I can do it now or if I have to wait for certain .. documents to be returned.

This has not been done because I have been so ill. It has cocked up so many things it simply is not true!

So I have been waiting for the tide to turn on a number of fronts, well five to be exact.

If a month shows none of these working I am going to have to change the tide myself .. and do something I really do not want to do and lose something I not only really need but may become .. an absolute necessity before very long. But that latter part should be known by around mid January anyway. The results of a test .. except there is another that has already been performed and a possible third.

Damn these current day public services .. they are not fit for purpose even for the most vulnerable of society including children with disabilities.

It would be more humane to hand out arsenic pills or something that would kill you without any pain. Day after day, week after week and what looks like year after year of this sort of suffering is just the worst kind of treatment for another human being. Let alone hundreds of thousands of human beings.

Facebook just fills up with horror stories on a daily basis and it does this across a number of different pages too.

The wait is terribly torturous and has had a really negative effect on me in many different ways. I have to do something to buy me more time. Because others have found ways to take as long as they possibly can to save money .. while others that make bit strides and make some big sacrifices just keep on suffering as well as paying.

I thought there would be help .. I thought I heard offers of help from the social services but it turns out they are not helping. Only in certain circumstances and that now sounds like if my daughter gets ill from cancer. They will help her get the kids to school if she gets too ill.

Except she already has issues and a number of them is from having my disability of Fibromyalgia not to mention the cancer scares. There are other .. issues as well.

Two to be exact but I am not about to state what they are but one can be problematic.

I was disturbed to be told that she did not think she would make it to 40 years of age .. oddly I have doubts of making it into my fifties and I am 48!

I am currently waiting to see if the Venlafaxine knock me out the way they did yesterday. It was so strong in doing that I was completely out of it at the heart specialists and fighting to stay awake but was resting on the handle of my walking stick.

I nearly fell asleep as I was having the first scan .. before I had a 24 our monitor fitted.

So today I thought I would leave them, Amitriptyline too, until the evening a couple of hours befpre I normally go to sleep.

I am also hoping that by taking both at night I wont get one of those murderous mornings I recently posted about. Sometimes the feeling can pass after an hour or so but sometimes it persists al day long.

Fingers firmly crossed!

MURDEROUS MORNINGS

Going though hell .. this morning.

Got that ECG on and hit the button a few times from around 4.30am onward but just pain in region of heart I know is anxiety.

No heart palpitations, tightness or skipped beat feelings.

But then I noticed that when the anxiety is playing up .. the other stuff seems to stop or at least become a lot less frequent.

So all that testing was probably a waste of time unless something happens in the next four hours or so.

There is some stuff going on that is .. stressful. I would like to think that this anxiety will die down when it is over, fingers tightly crossed.

One more appointment to go with the hospital and I have to be back at the Doctors in ten days .. nine days.

I am not happy I have Venlafaxine again .. I recall missing a couple of days and it put me on my back .. I had forgotten to take them and even back then my memory was an issue and I did not pick up on it. We are talking around twelve years ago now I had that.

But I am so desperate to stop this that I am taking it again. But this will add to my lists of things to panic about.

Just like I told my GP none of this makes any sense to me .. why the brain is panicking about such stupid things.

I remember when I first saw my medical notes, that was how I found out, I was listed as having General Anxiety Disorder or GAD and when I read about it it stated that you can panic about little things. At first I did not think this was the case but when I thought about some of the things it did.

I still am coughing up green and yellow shit and that is something they want to look at but .. the way I feel right now .. it is difficult to get around to sorting that out.

I mean to speak to reception about setting up my digital repeat prescription thing. I might have also meant to have spoken to them about these blood tests? I cannot recall how it is done or what I was meant to do?

It is majorly disruptive this memory issue and I do not seem to have made anyone realise just how much it is.

I have felt for a long time like I need someone. To help me remember things.

I did think it might be easier here because there is another adult around but she is forgetful too so there is no chance of that happening and things are much worse.

Living on my own I was bad enough. I had a mate who used to remind me of things from time to time but he obviously could not remind e of everything.

This things is really, really stupid and confusing as well as majorly torturous and the fact that I have this virus/infection tat has lasted for months seems to have only made things worse. How things could have gotten this bad for me I simply do not know and begs belief.

As for this virus or infection .. my ex wonders if I picked it up in the house, which I doubt. What I did say was that I had read only recently that my .. resistance to infections can be lowered and is one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

So I guess I am still being let down.

The other thing is that I really need to return to my storage in London .. that really needs to be sorted out and the cost reduced or eliminated completely.

If my PIP gets reinstated it will become less of an issue but it still needs to be done.

I have taken a second Diazepam pill and hope that calms things down a bi as the first did not work.

I was, as they say, monged-out yesterday afternoon and in the evening I fell asleep. Do mot recall much at all except my daughter appearing around 4am. Was feeling OK at the time but around thirty minutes later it all started.

Whether the evening was down to the Venlafaxine or not I do not know, I had taken Amitriptyline too for the first time in a while so could be that. I have to check whether or not I should take these in the morning or at night. I am thinking nights, because of the morning things so will go and check that out.

WHAT A DAY WITH NO DAYDREAMS

Jesus .. I feel .. strange.

This was after feeling really bad this morning and the Doctors called and asked me to go in within the hour.

I was feeling crap and the surgery not far so I walked .. or hobbled to be precise. Not that bad though because I don’t do much walking. Not regularly anyway so it’s easier when I do.

I was in begging mode .. didn’t see the same Doctor as last time. This one was reserved. He seemed like an OK guy though.

He didn’t seem to think I had the flu and thought it might be something else? Probably because of the amount of time I have had it?

I got some more Diazepam and he prescribed Venlafaxine, which was weird because Venlafaxine was prescribed some years ago but don’t remember it doing much, other than done rotten withdrawal symptoms I had never had before on any other pill. Or maybe I have but didn’t link them at the time or just can’t remember?

Came back to the house and my ex was here, of forgotten that she was coming. Some deep cleaning was going on .. well a little.

She said she couldn’t understand how bad it gets here and I said that is impossible. You can’t keep anything tidy anywhere. Only for about thirty minutes and it looks the same.

I had a little trouble sorting out my pills before taking them. My ex didn’t want me to do much, obviously realising or told I was at the Doctors.

She wanted me to go to the tip though but .. I’d just passed on driving due to hire I felt and had to hospital appointments within two hours.

It was kinda cold … that miserable type cold temperature where it’s just low enough to be bothersome.

At the hospital I had to concentrate hard because I wanted to pass out the whole time.

When I was being scanned I thought I was going to pass out??

Anyway had the monitor fitted, told what button to press in the event of an episode.

But upon returning I feel asleep. That’s not like me to fall asleep during the day. But lack of sleep and over half a dozen pills probably had an effect on me.

The worry now is .. shifting a lot of things about which is imminent and now told there’s a time limit.

Bit awkward timing really, what with three appointments imminent.

I found out that more people closer to home are reading my blog which I did no expect nor have I had it happened in the past. Before I moved here that is.

The problem came from the posting to Facebook, which was going through my Twitter feed and have now turned off.

THE WINDS OF CHANGE

My daughter got a phone-call tonight.

This was a it weird as most people she knew had been at the house at some point, her two step-brothers, mother and grandmother as I explained in a recent post. Her two friends, a couple, tha normally come once a week for a bit of a drink and the lady I like next door.

I thought it was a phone-call from a certain prison inmate .. again?

The lady next door is kind of nice .. no, really nice to my mind. She seems and sounds intelligent and is as cute as hell.

But .. she has had some rotten luck. Really .. rotten luck.

Well the other night she asked my daughter in for a drink. In fcat it had been a tough day for my daughter and may have been the day after her mother let her down with looking after just one child. The most problematic child, granted, but just the one child nevertheless.

There are three more children and two of them are problematic and one is heading for puberty. It was another example of the grandmother attempting to play something down and after failing to cope for even a whole night, returning the child on or just prior to midnight, she then went on a lecture within two days about how to control these children.

One does not need much controlling .. though he is rapidly heading for puberty. Yeah .. that does not bear thinking about what with the other three. Puberty is a bit of a lottery really .. you never quite know what I is your going to get.

He has always been a quiet kid and oh my God I have just seen the bloody time! I thought it was bout 10am and I have just had needy-boy calling out for mum because he wants a drink because his mouth is dry?! Yeah it is a lie he copies form his mother ho says it because she gets a dry mouth and is a result of her Fibromyalgia. Even I have to put up with a mouth full of tap water on occasion.

My daughter said she would be an hour but was back after about five or ten minutes and said ..

“Dad, you will never believe what she just asked me?! ‘Hey, is your Dad single by any chance?”

Almost bizarrely when she was there the other night she was making wavoes about the authorities, said that Sophie was being neglected ad treated like shit and was going to go down there and give them hell. My daughter simply said “My God, you sound like my Dad!”

Shit!

I am putting Family Guy and American Dad on and carrying on with this one tomorrow!

Oh dear!

Boxing Day morning starts with an awkward question .. which came from something that was .. very embarrassing and then something that made us bloody angry.

Yeah so our heads are spinning.

I also have to be careful what I say. Lol.

First off it would seem that my daughter read my blog post yesterday .. or rather someone else did while she listened.

I was asked if I was going back to London in January?!

Crap!!

I was told to answer honestly but that is what I always do, despite what early readers might think with some of the claims I have made.

Oh I have had to stop three times for children already. Was going to try and continue this tonight to begin with .. but after clearing up .. picking some baked in .. umm .. something, paint or play-doh out of the carpet, throwing some stuff away and a vacuum there was a bit of a lull. Silly me and now someone is screaming about something and I have had to hit play on a portable DVD player that has Frozen playing.

As far as the claims I have made .. I am afraid that over the next few weeks your going to find out the hard way that I am always right and as always it will be at out expense, though more specifically my expense if it goes the way I think it will.

It starts of by stating that we have spies in our midst .. and not the sort of spies that I was embroiled with in the past nor the ones that wanted to speak to me regarding employment. Different kinds of spies.

This came about when we had a Christmas Tree in our window described to us and I tried to play it down by stating that Christmas Trees were generally green, white or silver with a few exceptions.

Seven times I have now stopped .. make that eight though two of those were for an adult. Now I have older one hovering around for things he should have kept track of. But then this is an exceptional house with more than one exceptional child.

Yeah so I had to explain myself and my fears ..

It seems I am doing a bit more than just the job of a rusty third wheel .. but the I am not sure about the wheels themselves.

Something to work on.

So that explained why she was a little quiet. Also she did not get in the house until around 7am to 8am and so not had a great deal of sleep.

Then as I explained myself and we started to talk about things it turned out that she had seen my very recent blog post while she was with someone. Someone I had recently referred to as ‘cute’. Yeah my face must have been a picture when I found out that she had read that too! Ooh boy! Lol.

But that was not the ‘coup de grace’ so to speak. Though there is nothing merciful about this.

A phone-call was received outside of the room I am now sitting in and my daughter came in and looked .. well, pissed!

She went off on one, dropped her phone on the floor .. said basically I was right about allegations I made about all the public services and them being incompetent, liars and despite how they speak in the news media do not give a flying feck about the general public .. only their careers.

Something that needs to change .. seriously fast if the are to prevent a revolution from taking place down the line!

The phone-call came from prison .. and a cocky domestic abuser .. ooh wait .. domestic abuser .. yes so .. he phoned from prison with .. an unusually cocky attitude. After all the times we have reported him calling us and the way that he talks as if nothing has changed .. like he will get out of prison and come straight back here and carry on where he left off. Bit of trouble what with me standing in the way. But then I was convinced this would never happen. ‘A Historical Court Case’ they called it with follow ups like ‘He will spend ten years in prison’ and ‘ then get deported’.

In his cocky attitude .. which was different he then calmly stated that the Police were dropping some of the charges as there was not enough evidence before stating “I told you I would win!”

Of course the mother was not able to be reached on the phone as per usual and was supposed to take some stuff over to the new house today .. but bailed, promising to do it first thing tomorrow and .. not much of a reaction to the phone-call an claim other than stating “It was probably bullshit just to scare you?” But even I know this unheard of cocky attitude meant something .. I was also asked by one of his compatriots the other day when and where we were moving?! That is the second time I have been asked that by the same man since I have been here.

It seems I am destined to put this particular community on the face of the nationwide news media map .. except they are as corrupt as they come so .. who knows?

My daughter started packing .. cleaning to which I then started helping and in her panic decided to pack every single Christmas decoration away .. 11 days early!

So among many things needy-boy got a Nintendo DS to keep him quiet, which is hard to do, the older autistic girl got a neat gift of a cheap DVD portable player and Frozen to keep her quiet which unfortunately many of these toys made the youngest one .. louder. Because of Frozen mostly. Except the older autistic girl has this habit of pressing buttons. Even when she has on what she wants on TV and has no idea what 99% of the buttons do on the TV or DVD remote .. she ends up pressing them and turning off that which she wanted and then complains about it. Head scartching stuff I am .. just mind-boggled at.

I told my daughter after watching her switch off the portable DVD three times in thirty minutes “Do you realise she has not watched Frozen all the way through once on that? Probably not even half way through without turning it off?” and she gave me a look and just nodded.

Not serving the purpose for which it was intended. Focus.

Yesterday a friend who was visiting walked into the living room and despite having seen this before and heard it before he said “You know your fridge door is wide open?!” Yeah .. that happens several times a day. All four of them but at least the older one closes the door.

Needy-boy was also sick and by that I mean … throwing up .. and he looked at me and I said “You know what that is? Far too many sweats I am afraid and that is what happens” to which he then started crying. He vomited into a bag for a bit and five minutes later was asking for food?!

Don’t know about anyone else but if I am sick to the point of throwing up .. I cannot go anywhere near food for at least 12 hours and anywhere up to 24!

Remember this is Boxing Day morning! MORNING!

Thank you Police .. thank you local councils .. and thank you DWP! There are probably some others worth mentioning ..ooh the NHS of course.

One of the worst cases of endangerment, harassment, health issues which includes several cases of disability you can possibly imagine. It also has the potential to end very badly .. and prison for someone that wont deserve it, me, and very possibly fatal to several people including children.

Did I mention it was Boxing Day morning?!

So .. an awkward conversation from a scared daughter that thought I might desert her and my surprise that she might see it as me deserting her.

As I stated to her .. there was no way that I would go anywhere at all until I knew she was OK and the kids too in every way. Health wise, threats and everything else.

I also told her that this was only though fear, as my plans to help her, the children and support myself so that I could remain here were .. not going according to plan.

Then there is the fact that I am tired a great deal of the time and that familiarity is all that it comes down to. But that it is annoying because London is nothing like the pace it used to be years ago but that .. I feel like there is little there for me anyway. But that it is the areas that I am familiar with and that I know where as here and being alone now I really do not know the area. With my short term memory issues I will take a long time too. Unless I had someone to drive me around for a change that is.

I did reassure her but stating that on the contact sites I am on I do not look at anyone in London and only in this area .. well up to around 70 miles of where I am now seated. Wirral, Liverpool, Manchester but I mainy go for Cheshire and North Wales.

I should have held out for a countryside setting. That I would find a lot easier .. fewer people around and not near Birkenhead Town Centre so much. Only because of scars that an ex left with me.

I did also say that I had thought there might be a chance I might meet someone up here that would make things .. easier for me. Little did I know how much I would need that as things turned out to be worse than I expected and .. appear to be getting worse.

I am used to being on my own but here it is .. different. Only because of all of the failed public services that have made life for several of others, and tens if not hundreds of thousands of others .. a living nightmare.

Hmm I just recalled .. I did think about looking for local .. clubs to join, like Astronomy, wildlife, Orchids and the like. All the sciences I am into.

However .. being on my own a very long time makes .. not being on my own a little bit tricky but .. at least I am getting in some serious training here.

But as I told my daughter previously and will again tonight .. if I found someone who was nice, honest, sincere, intelligent and that wants to know and learn about things and had similar interests and even wanted to come out on my photo shoots, if I ever get to go on them .. then this would be like a dream come true I NEVER thought I would EVER realise or experience.

I often think that I would be lucky to be alive ten years from now. So not sure just how long any possible happiness would last.

Never really had much of any happiness in all honesty .. from devious ex-girlfriends to ones that were almost perfect apart from attacking me regularly.

In fact here is a but of a funny tale to go with the girlfriend who liked attacking me..

Her nephews and niece .. plus her sister see me as the one that got away and are still on my Facebook friends list today . Now with children of their own! They do not have much, if anything, to do with my former girlfriend. Turns out my daughter always thought I was calling her .. stopped by a phone-call, Korean. What I referred to her as is ‘The Career Girl’. She made me do a search and it seems like she is a company director now. Does not surprise me. I just hope she did not have any kids as she was somewhat .. heavy handed and violent. God help anyone working below her but then .. maybe she changed?

Oddly for about a day or two I thought she and a friend of my daughter’s had the same name but it turns out they are slightly different.

Also it seems that much of my blog has been gone through and my YouTube channels, including some old embarrassing ones I had planned to delete when the numbers built up and am now regretting.

My beard keeps getting unintentionally long but maybe it can save me from any blushes?

Yeah .. ahem .. I am at a disadvantage now. A funny one but an embarrassing one, lol.

Still .. now I also have a dangerous one too and suddenly .. oops .. stopped for a few hours .. friends and now a night out, not for me though, lol.

Oh and needy-boy has just ran in and said “My Nintendo DS has ran out” which might have something to do with the fact that he was running around with a friend of his, visiting friend’s daughter, and not actually playing it while leaving it switched on when he did not even let it recharge fully earlier .. oh well .. thought it was just Autistic children that had no concept of time? The one that is three and Autistic along with the other at two lack this concept. But this one is five and not Autistic. I have to wonder whether some things are rubbing off on is younger siblings or .. he is just five and that is what they do?

I would like to think that going back to school things will ease of for me but the issue is that they all do not go to school yet. One only in nursery and even then not every day. She does not like it either and plays up something terrible when she figures out where we are going. At least she is the only one.

Next year she goes to pre-school but even then its only for a couple of hours in the morning. But .. at least then the older one is in full tie school. That means that by then my days will be free to do as I wish. With a camera with any luck!

Ooh now I am imagining what it would be like to have a partner that comes with me on camera shoots, happy to sit there in a spot for between one and four hours fascinated by wildlife and/or landscapes.

Ooh now that embarrassing and up and coming moment? Well that should be .. interesting .. also .. need to kind of .. tidy myself up just a tad and not for the damned hospital tomorrow .. they can go and spin!

Ooh .. would be nice to have a new text buddy and someone that I can actually talk to that is not over two hundred miles away?!

PROFOUND OR PHILOSOPHICAL AT GAB.AI

It have a big post coming ..

But in the meantime I’ve been gabbing on ..

gab.ai

It’s a good alternative to Twitter who along with others are crushing free speech unless it fits their own narratives.

I don’t know if many use it but I’ve tried to keep things short and sweet .. being philosophical clashes with my very nature and attitude .. being profound is not something I have ever been associated with.

I don’t know if many use it but I’ve tried to keep things short and sweet ..

So being philosophical or profound?

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855767

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855702

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855598

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855453

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855286

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855235

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855212

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855115

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16855032

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16854793

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16599223

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16599593

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16598838

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16598328

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16598221

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16598105

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16597973

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16597639

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16597218

https://gab.ai/allnights/posts/16596987

The are more .. there will be more ..

.. every single one of them mine.

THAT FAMILY

As I stated before I do not like plastering children’s faces on the Internet.

However here is that family of mine in need of help over ..

  • Victims of Domestic Abuse and an Historical Court Case taking place in January 2018
  • Two of four Children more or less diagnosed with Autism .. several tests .. paediatrician left who take an inordinate amount of time for some reason
  • Discovery of mother having my disability of Fibromyalgia that sadly ad oddly ..
  • Has no less than THREE Cancer scares to get through
  • No or very little help from almost all authorities
    • Health Visitor OK
    • Social Worker OK but overworked and fails to turn up I believe at her bosses requests .. or tricks
    • Victim Support full of it
    • Family Support Worker turned up once .. seems OK not sure about his understanding of those involved
    • Police incompetent as per usual
    • Independent Review Officer (IRO) always going crazy about no one turning up (except health visitor) for something like eight children at-risk meetings .. keeps escalating complaint against Wirral Council but that is all that ever happens and fails herself to turn up once
    • Everyone fails to turn up save the health visitor who is by far the most regular attendee
  • I am here to help because I knew they would do very little
  • Did not expect to be here for three months and get no help myself either .. after ..
  • Being screwed up the rear by DWP over my disability and starting my own business with the help of Job Centre and their NEA at the thirteenth hour
 

 

THAT CHRISTMAS PART TWO

Mayhem.

Well to me.

I have some pictures of the kids .. well the backs of their heads as they walked into the living room and see their presents. Half of which I did not expect to work out of the box and the other half not working by the end of the day.

It has come close on both occasions and not quite through the day just yet.

It is about to be vacuumed in here for the third time today already and we still have a couple hours to go yet.

It was funny at one point when the grandmother and my ex, and great grandmother came with their presents. I had vacuumed .. I think? Maybe it was after she left? Cannot recall as per normal.

Just been told someone is getting in the bath because they are tired. I am not surprised in the least.

It was good seeing the kids excited but .. there is so much work .. on yeah?

So the grandmother was around and was picking things up off the floor ad she said “God, I am glad I don’t have to do this anymore!”

I thought to myself “My God, you have been in here 5 minutes, complaining about the state of the floor .. stating that your glad you do not have to do it anymore and I have been here for getting on for three months, heart and chest issues and now one hell of a anxiety ride to boot!”

They handed me a load of toys to unpack and get working when I am stressed out and tired beyond belief, having anxiety attacks and .. still have this damn Aussie flu virus. That was the second time I had been handed stuff. Some robotic toys were bought from Home & Bargains I told them not to bother with because they will be fiddly, complicated and probably wont work. I had already put together a few things when I got lumbered with that one. Prior to the grandmother arriving. One that the council now does not trust. Which is why I came .. because of someone else as per usual and so often happened in the past.

An end grommit to a shaft for a motor would not fit out of the dozes of pieces that it contained within the confines of its box. During trying to figure this out I was then asked to perform two or three other tasks by the same boy I was trying to do this for. It was insane and there are three other children!

Oh god .. I have just been given another one and this one is a car where the first one was a windmill and I think my brain is going to melt, I really, really do.

I spent all day putting on a brave face but due to the anxiety and chest issues playing up and this damned flu I just kept telling myself .. I cannot do this!

I might have to return by the end of January of things do not pick up, up here in the financial part as I am just haemorrhaging money, more slowly than before but still haemorrhaging money.

I just cannot keep it together and I cannot even retreat to my flat and even if I could .. the anxiety now would just drive me insane.

I am feeling guilty because I do not think I am being a help here any longer and the help they need from me is simply not there anymore. My finances .. yes I could sell my car but if I do that I would end up stranded here and not know how in the hell to get back to London.

It is nowhere near how I pictured it would be and I am going to have to tell them that I feel inadequate .. tired and finding keeping on top of my own health a problem.

This business with the cancer scare just seems to drag on and on as does the business with the children being diagnosed. Well life and health issues do not put themselves on hold until public services sort themselves out and nor do they start when the public services say that they start.

Of course there were fights .. but I am told that is how it is.

I am .. stuck when someone says that because I just do not know. Though I did have younger brothers and a sister and I do not recall it being like this. I had friends with children and do not recall seeing or hearing any stories of it being quite like this.

Never heard of a living room that had to be vacuumed three times in one day either.

Maybe I am just not used to it? Maybe I am just getting old?

Maybe I am breaking the rules of my own health condition when it states that I should not be over doing it? I am also not getting light exercise as my bike is back in London?

Maybe it is a combination of some or all of the above?

Added to this is this damned flu which has hung on and hung on. I am not missing those hospital appointments .. of that I am decided. I have been messed about for far too long about things that should have been checked over a year ago. There is an argument that maybe it should have been long before even that?

The difficulty with he children was not expected and as I stated it has gotten worse since I have been here.

But despite the fact I have thought about going home a great deal .. I always feel guilty about it. But I have tried to get help in all manner of ways but it just has not started to happen.

I figure that if it has not shown any sign of anything positive happening by the end of January then it never will. In which case instead of waiting until it is too late and having to require someone else’s help I should plan my return. There will only be a couple of months left on my tenancy anyway by the end of January. I had been told that the landlord had found someone interested in the flat anyway .. bloody typical as I had been told it had been empty with no interest in renting or buying t in six months .. as soon as I am there .. in a matter of a few weeks someone is supposed to show interest in the place?

This is an area where places can go empty for long periods of time, that much is true.

The cooker also id not work and a very nice neighbour, rather cute too, offered for us to use her oven to cook the turkey so there I was in the front garden .. trying to get a defiant autistic two year old to stay in the house while just cooked and piping hot food was passed over to me a but at a time and I ferried it to the dining room. The turkey itself, pork jackets, sausage jackets, flak jackets or whatever they are called along with some roast potatoes and parsnips.

Ooh I must upload the pictures from my phone and upload them to my crowd funding.

Was thinking that maybe every one doubted the validity of the crowd funding campaigns .. what with their being no pictures of children .. or only an old one on one of the campaigns? Stick one or two on for a month and see how that goes?

As for the myriad of presents .. yeah all cash converter and CEX stuff .. well a couple along with some naff things from Home & Bargains. One I could not get to work.

A few people will be gutted if I tell them I plan to return or am just thinking about it.

I am just really suffering, worrying about my evaporating finances, lack of help, flu and .. feeling like a third and rusty wheel right now.

Maybe that will change in time?

Fibromyalgia really turns into a bitch and then you discover no one gives a crap about it .. though ..

.. I was shocked to see that Lady Gaga had it and talked about it in her video Five Foot Two. He exact words were ..

“I do not know how anyone copes with this who has no money”

It was on Netflix .. my daughter put it on.

I must get back to my flat for a night or two and hope that the anxiety does not go wild on me like it did the last tie I tried to do that?