THE MORNINGS IN HELL

I thought that was hit this morning?!

I awoke unusually early and was struck with anxiety and my heart was constantly trying to escape my chest like a damned Xenomorph from the Alien movies.

It spent what seemed like several hours subsiding and then bang. Subsiding and then .. bang. I was at the stage several times that is this was going to be it I wish it would get it over with.

Not only is it the case of the different ways in which I am suffering but also watching others suffer in a country and world that is getting uglier by the day.

I recently got into a disagreement on Twatter, yeah I have kind of started doing that now, over James Gunn and someone defending him. I pointed out his errors and he looked into my history and cherry picked a load of things.

Manage to find that I liked an Info Wars video. Umm .. yeah someone is not wrong just because they do not sing from the hymn sheet that is your narrative.

The fact that I liked the odd video does not mean that I agree with him.

Of course it was suggested I was right or alt-right wing and of course I put paid to that attempt.

You see they just do not play fair and nor are they fair as if they was this politically correct and secretly socialist society I live in what not have done what it has done to my daughter, my grandchildren and myself.

He also ignored the fact that we are both suffering and have conditions that can and probably will kill both me and my daughter before our time.

But then we are so disillusioned and pissed off with the biased PC society we live in we often want to take our leave of it anyway.

If your causing that much suffering to so many people then I am afraid you cannot claim to be socialist nor can you ignore these facts and still claim to be socialist.

Another Twatter user also stated that the celebrities coming out to defend James Gunn seem to be under the false impression that this gives out the impression that they are good people?

Yeah .. only to idiots and children hurt that there might not be a Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3.

One moron actually claimed that everyone, and I quote here, sees James Gunn’s tweets as just bad jokes whereas I pointed out that in no fucking way do even half the people see that, so not not everyone as he states. I also pointed out to think about the ages of the people that would be defending them. A billion children around the world intent on seeing another James Gunn Guardians of the Galaxy does not in any way back up his claims. So bloody naive it begs belief.

I even come across an old favourite of mine, James Woods, attacking things and, as I pointed out to idiots, YouTubers stating that if any of their subscribers are defending James Gunn they want them to unsubscribe from their channel. Yes that is how strongly people feel about this.

Unfortunately I survived my morning to read this crap from people who do not give a shit about victims be they adults or even children, as long as you stick to their PC narrative that does not apply to all people, just like the rest of their mottoes and rules.

As everyone is clearly stating .. these people are hypocrites and I have had twenty years of their hypocrisy and fifteen years of suffering from their hypocrisy and in all honesty I do hate them with a passion you would not believe.

But I have good reason and am still being persecuted by them, even on my blogs would you believe and I am not even right-wing in any way. Except in one single solitary subject.

A subject that has never worked, only got worse and is gradually scaring the hell out of more and more people. Just like James Gunn’s inevitable firing by Disney this other subject also has writing all over the proverbial wall. But everyone ignores it.

We have been given two choices .. no others ..

Lay down and die

Fight for your lives

And that is coming but everyone wants to either ignore it or state that it will not get to this stage, get annoyed when people do not believe them, get annoyed as they gradually lose the people that did agree with them and have fucking nothing to back this up.

They get annoyed with others that say what I do when the evidence is not only all around us, being exposed by real news outlets and not the mainstream media and is obvious started a long time ago and has gotten worse over the years.

Tip .. when it has shown that for two decades it has only ever been heading in one direction then you have to face reality and admit that it will only ever go in that direction.

Because if you do not when you do face up to this it might already be too late.

Those that do not do not have enough grey matter to be able to rub together to even get a spark going, let alone a fire.

Yeah that chery picker also completely ignored posts where my own daughter was a victim of a grooming gang and now faces the possibilities of dying before she even reaches thirty years of age?!

Nice these politically correct socialist people ..

https://twitter.com/KathmanHenry/status/1020671461613285376

TORTUROUS

This was unexpected on several fronts.

I awoke this morning with a little anxiety and a lot of panic .. in pain from my bladder as per usual and heart racing. I am meant to try and find a NHS Walk-In Centre to try and obtain my prescription medication but did not really feel .. up to it.

I had also awoken late after a night of not being able to sleep again .. probably thinking and panicking about a court hearing fast approaching and if I will get there as it is so early, due to my sleep now playing up, whether I will win and how much is resting on this court case? Probably? Definitely.

Well I say .. ‘late’ but not as late as yesterday morning where I woke, to my utter shock and disgust, around 10.45am.

But this morning I was receiving texts as I woke up and I realised that it was Tuesday as my daughter was off to her appointment. Her appointment over her cancer where I thought it was just going to be about what, when, where and how they will operate on her. Except it appeared there was more to this appointment than either of us realised.

Before long she was dressed in a gown and looked like she was going to have an operation and they told her she wont get home until 6pm .. though quite how the children were going to be picked up I do not know.

I still do not know what this appointment is all about .. unless it was being kept form me so that I would not get upset or worried.

I am upset and .. well .. worried.

Is not doing my heart rate any good .. not that I care very much.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much the human body can torture itself, for all the proclaiming by scientists of how much of a miracle it is. These scientists have obviously been very lucky in the health lottery and likely never had to endure prolonged physical pain nor mental pain?

I am in a room that is no doubt smaller than the minimum required size for a prison cell. Of that I have no doubt.

But being shoved into something this size with all the pains, stresses, anxiety and along with the tools required to try and earn an income at some point along with the tools required by someone with a disability .. like my damned bike and it gets a bit of a squeeze.

Then you have days like this. Days that no one should endure. Not even the devil himself.

After trying a different tactic on how to do what I need to do while cutting down the pain I spent last night trying to think of something else I could purchase that might help. When I was not focused on other concerns.

It feels like a million things are racing through your head at once at times.

I have often also stated that I honestly do not know what is worse at times, severe mental anguish or severe pain and when I experience each I always think “This .. definitely this!” The truth is that when severe enough I think they are equally as bad but beyond a point things change. The mind breaks with one extreme and passes out with another. This far I have only experienced one of those two.

At the end of the day you feel condemned .. on both sides. What makes it worse is knowing that others have knowing you put you hear and that many do not give a flying f.. shit.

Ultimately you ask yourself why in the hell you are here and what you are here for?

Maybe it is just me? Maybe being alone, or feeling lonely whichever you prefer, is what does this and maybe I am just unlucky in the set of circumstances I find myself in? But it was anxiety that drove me to my current situation and location. Once again brought about because others do not give a crap and those tasked to help or protect you also do not give a crap .. and lie and cheat to save money while awarding themselves all kinds of things?

What this results in is you praying for it to end in the only way you think it will end. Death. You even start to wonder about bringing this about yourself and whether you could build up the courage to do this and how you would do it.

It almost always came down to carbon monoxide for me, not being able to get a hold of the necessary drugs to do it. Christ .. I cannot even get the only damned drug that works on my condition .. sodium oxybate! Like I said .. condemned and knowingly condemned at that.

But we are not supposed or allowed to end it and nor can we be assisted. We have to stay alive .. endure whatever is thrown at us and .. do as we are told and what is expected of us, come what may?! If we were dogs we would be ‘put down’ or ‘put to sleep’. That would be far more humane than what the British government and the UK’s public services have been knowingly doing to people in recent years.

Of course there is that one other thing that stops you and that is that if she does survive what my demise would do to my daughter.

Does not sound like I have a lot of faith in winning my court hearing does it? Mind you this may be because I feel like I will let myself down over it all .. but failing to turn up? Though I am supposed to have a representative there I have had no confirmation that they will be.

I have also expressed my concerns about this but have not heard anything back.

Even my social worker friend says that they have been bad at replying to me and never seem to read my emails .. which they do seem to be proving correct even right now.

I do not even know what I would do if anything happen to my daughter while at the same time am well aware that her life is itself yet another living hell.

Once again another case of cancer and no fucking sign of any of the big cancer organisations that appear on TV in adverts begging for your money.

The operation for this specific cancer is not guaranteed and in fact has a chance of the cancer returning rather aggressively. It is also very close to reaching the stage, if it has not already, where it would require radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

During all this .. they have gotten out of paying for their rent, first only wanting to pay 25% of it and even now only 50% of it. They have lied and conspired to not pay Disability Living Allowance for a severely Autistic child, despite this being extremely dangerous, there being three other children and with one of those possibly being autistic too. To put the cherry on the proverbial pie she also has my disability which, like me, they have wondered about and missed for many years. But then some completely incompetent Doctors do not believe our disability exists .. STILL?! Morons! Yeah .. I had all the perfect symptoms listed for it for fifteen years before I was discovered what it was that I was afflicted with .. something that was both missed and I was not warned about when I had the severe road accident 36 years ago. Yup .. that was they key point that set it off .. with weird symptoms piling on one by one over the years for 22 years when my feet became affected. I then asked for another 13 years before I discovered what this was myself and even then they tried to deny I had it and then tried to avoid a diagnosis by making excuses to not refer me. One was that a department that specialises in Fibromyalgia within the NHS simply did not exist. Anywhere. I later discovered from a Fibromyalgia charity that this was a lie and that there were dozens all over the country.

Now at the time you only had two choices, incompetent or liar? I am pretty good at working things out and .. knowing people and I called liars. Many said I was completely mad or just plain wrong and I stuck to my guns because I knew what the facts were. Well those facts have now been exposed .. they are being paid not to refer people and to do that they have to .. you guessed it, lie!

Yeah that crap about Doctors being paid not to refer people? Yeah .. it is not only about referrals and it has been going on a very, very long time. Told you.

Now I am just babbling on because I simply do not know what to do with myself as per usual but this time I am .. somewhat restless and more so than normal. Because I do not know what I am going to be told in several hours time!

Do you know what life actually is, has been for a long time and on different levels?

Torturous.

ONE HELL FOR ANOTHER

Well it has not even been a week yet and it has happened.

I have had my anxiety raised by someone that is supposed to help. Oddly they have complained that they are the only one that have helped .. despite the fact that this help is a fucking tiny room they do not need. They do not own the house either but you would think they were giving a pint of blood the way that they go on.

What is the issue?

That four of us did not give up thousands of pounds to another member of the family because they deserved money.

I have told them that by law they are not and that this person is not bothered by it and that in fact they are the only one bothered by it but .. it makes no difference.

Bearing in mind what I have just been through .. what I have got to do now that I am back and that much of my money went towards helping others .. the rest tied up in things I should not have bought and one I am selling. So they cannot claim that I am selfish .. but it is being hinted at and they would dearly like to say this .. but they cannot.

Most of the ire is about others ..

Except as I said the recipient they are on about does not care about it and has said to others that it was not his money and not his grandfather.

Nope .. that does not matter.

Nope .. nor does it matter that I went through hell and cut my wrists I was in that much agony .. not not a mention about that. Just that things did not go how they wanted them too and we re all bastards.

I have already had a reply to a text I sent explaining what was just said and the reply simply stated “You got to get out of there as fast as you can!”

Yeah .. I cannot. I have somewhere I can go if things get bad but that will only be for three or four days at most. As I told my brother .. it is called the Maytree Centre and I nearly ended up there a couple years back.

This person simply fails to see that the only feelings that are harping on about is their own. And that this is all about others doing what they expect them to.

I also guarantee that they are annoyed that I have gone off into a room to stop hearing it and I would not be surprised if I was told I had to leave purely because I wont sit there and listen to their complaining about things that is bothering no one else.

They have been told for years and fucking years that it is extremely stressful and that no one else falls out and has issues except them. Every single member of their family they have fallen out with but it is everyone else that is wrong.

I find it hilarious that there argument is that no one ‘gives a shit’ and yet that is exactly whow they come across .. unless it is there feelings, they have never self harmed by the way but their suffereing is worse than everyone else’s, then they do not ask, they do not console, they do not say they are sorry for what you have been through. Best of all they do not ask when they are on the phone how the children are, by some accounts. They are so busy and so focused upon their own feelings and you get statements like they want to die.

Oddly they blame another relative of being melodramatic when it comes to these things .. deliberately leaving pills all over the floor for sympathy.

No self harming as far as I know and they certainly was not alone when they did it .. so yeah .. ou could say that it was for sympathy. Could.

I was trapped in a flat that felt like a prison for four days and there was no one else there but me .. alone .. hoping that this damned Aussie flu would kill me in the night, often felt like it was. Then having anxiety in the mornings sometimes so bad that harming was the only thing that would release the extreme feelings of anxiety.

I cannot stress how bad this can be even at the best of times but stuck somewhere you do not know with short term memory problems after being called names, then threatened and then warned .. yeah .. you cannot really describe that.

I want to die because no one gives a shit and because currently I have nowhere to live .. not whinge and whine that no one gives a shit and that no one listens.

Yeah they do not have the greatest advice and yet they go fucking mental because no one takes their advice but .. no one ever takes advice.

But no .. this is specific traits of my family and makes her life a misery.

No drug dealers. No bank robbers. No domestic abusers and all this has been pointed out to her by her own cousin and .. nope .. does not want to listen. Because they want to complain except ..

There is no end goal to complaining .. there is absolutely no benefit to complaining .. she gets nothing out of it .. no one she complains about is ever going to change .. all she does is hurt people, stress them out and make them not want to come here.

I was on the phone to them two days before I came down and she scared the living shit out of me .. cranky and angry and of course it was about giving this money over to someone that not only does not care about it themselves but will end up in the pockets of his greedy and manipulative African girlfriend and her family as they have already had thousands anyway.

These people were here illegally anyway, despite both being handed houses then it is strictly illegal to do so .. unless your a public service then you can make the rules up as you go along while private landlords get fined for doing the exact same thing.

Now I am scared of them going past the door .. and scared of going downstairs in the morning!

Luckily I have tried to prepare as I have not only contacted my solicitor but also an organisation that may be able to help in my current situation. They didn’t years ago when I went to them for help but today it is different .. I now only know what is wrong with me today, thanks for nothing NHS, but a lot more is wrong with me today.

I, or we, really ended up with the rough end of the stick when it comes to life and to think I may have been subjected to some kid of payback for someone else’s tempestuous life? I am now being punished for two other people’s lives that are and were not my responsibility.

It would seem everyone wants me to either suffer or perform magic tricks.