TORTUROUS

This was unexpected on several fronts.

I awoke this morning with a little anxiety and a lot of panic .. in pain from my bladder as per usual and heart racing. I am meant to try and find a NHS Walk-In Centre to try and obtain my prescription medication but did not really feel .. up to it.

I had also awoken late after a night of not being able to sleep again .. probably thinking and panicking about a court hearing fast approaching and if I will get there as it is so early, due to my sleep now playing up, whether I will win and how much is resting on this court case? Probably? Definitely.

Well I say .. ‘late’ but not as late as yesterday morning where I woke, to my utter shock and disgust, around 10.45am.

But this morning I was receiving texts as I woke up and I realised that it was Tuesday as my daughter was off to her appointment. Her appointment over her cancer where I thought it was just going to be about what, when, where and how they will operate on her. Except it appeared there was more to this appointment than either of us realised.

Before long she was dressed in a gown and looked like she was going to have an operation and they told her she wont get home until 6pm .. though quite how the children were going to be picked up I do not know.

I still do not know what this appointment is all about .. unless it was being kept form me so that I would not get upset or worried.

I am upset and .. well .. worried.

Is not doing my heart rate any good .. not that I care very much.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much the human body can torture itself, for all the proclaiming by scientists of how much of a miracle it is. These scientists have obviously been very lucky in the health lottery and likely never had to endure prolonged physical pain nor mental pain?

I am in a room that is no doubt smaller than the minimum required size for a prison cell. Of that I have no doubt.

But being shoved into something this size with all the pains, stresses, anxiety and along with the tools required to try and earn an income at some point along with the tools required by someone with a disability .. like my damned bike and it gets a bit of a squeeze.

Then you have days like this. Days that no one should endure. Not even the devil himself.

After trying a different tactic on how to do what I need to do while cutting down the pain I spent last night trying to think of something else I could purchase that might help. When I was not focused on other concerns.

It feels like a million things are racing through your head at once at times.

I have often also stated that I honestly do not know what is worse at times, severe mental anguish or severe pain and when I experience each I always think “This .. definitely this!” The truth is that when severe enough I think they are equally as bad but beyond a point things change. The mind breaks with one extreme and passes out with another. This far I have only experienced one of those two.

At the end of the day you feel condemned .. on both sides. What makes it worse is knowing that others have knowing you put you hear and that many do not give a flying f.. shit.

Ultimately you ask yourself why in the hell you are here and what you are here for?

Maybe it is just me? Maybe being alone, or feeling lonely whichever you prefer, is what does this and maybe I am just unlucky in the set of circumstances I find myself in? But it was anxiety that drove me to my current situation and location. Once again brought about because others do not give a crap and those tasked to help or protect you also do not give a crap .. and lie and cheat to save money while awarding themselves all kinds of things?

What this results in is you praying for it to end in the only way you think it will end. Death. You even start to wonder about bringing this about yourself and whether you could build up the courage to do this and how you would do it.

It almost always came down to carbon monoxide for me, not being able to get a hold of the necessary drugs to do it. Christ .. I cannot even get the only damned drug that works on my condition .. sodium oxybate! Like I said .. condemned and knowingly condemned at that.

But we are not supposed or allowed to end it and nor can we be assisted. We have to stay alive .. endure whatever is thrown at us and .. do as we are told and what is expected of us, come what may?! If we were dogs we would be ‘put down’ or ‘put to sleep’. That would be far more humane than what the British government and the UK’s public services have been knowingly doing to people in recent years.

Of course there is that one other thing that stops you and that is that if she does survive what my demise would do to my daughter.

Does not sound like I have a lot of faith in winning my court hearing does it? Mind you this may be because I feel like I will let myself down over it all .. but failing to turn up? Though I am supposed to have a representative there I have had no confirmation that they will be.

I have also expressed my concerns about this but have not heard anything back.

Even my social worker friend says that they have been bad at replying to me and never seem to read my emails .. which they do seem to be proving correct even right now.

I do not even know what I would do if anything happen to my daughter while at the same time am well aware that her life is itself yet another living hell.

Once again another case of cancer and no fucking sign of any of the big cancer organisations that appear on TV in adverts begging for your money.

The operation for this specific cancer is not guaranteed and in fact has a chance of the cancer returning rather aggressively. It is also very close to reaching the stage, if it has not already, where it would require radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

During all this .. they have gotten out of paying for their rent, first only wanting to pay 25% of it and even now only 50% of it. They have lied and conspired to not pay Disability Living Allowance for a severely Autistic child, despite this being extremely dangerous, there being three other children and with one of those possibly being autistic too. To put the cherry on the proverbial pie she also has my disability which, like me, they have wondered about and missed for many years. But then some completely incompetent Doctors do not believe our disability exists .. STILL?! Morons! Yeah .. I had all the perfect symptoms listed for it for fifteen years before I was discovered what it was that I was afflicted with .. something that was both missed and I was not warned about when I had the severe road accident 36 years ago. Yup .. that was they key point that set it off .. with weird symptoms piling on one by one over the years for 22 years when my feet became affected. I then asked for another 13 years before I discovered what this was myself and even then they tried to deny I had it and then tried to avoid a diagnosis by making excuses to not refer me. One was that a department that specialises in Fibromyalgia within the NHS simply did not exist. Anywhere. I later discovered from a Fibromyalgia charity that this was a lie and that there were dozens all over the country.

Now at the time you only had two choices, incompetent or liar? I am pretty good at working things out and .. knowing people and I called liars. Many said I was completely mad or just plain wrong and I stuck to my guns because I knew what the facts were. Well those facts have now been exposed .. they are being paid not to refer people and to do that they have to .. you guessed it, lie!

Yeah that crap about Doctors being paid not to refer people? Yeah .. it is not only about referrals and it has been going on a very, very long time. Told you.

Now I am just babbling on because I simply do not know what to do with myself as per usual but this time I am .. somewhat restless and more so than normal. Because I do not know what I am going to be told in several hours time!

Do you know what life actually is, has been for a long time and on different levels?

Torturous.

THE MAKINGS OF A HARD LIFE

Why do I say the things that I do?

Why is it that I sound cynical about everything?

It is not someone being cynical … it is speaking from experience and I realised that before very long if I approached everything with a cynical attitude I was hardly ever being proved wrong.

That is just how bad things were, are and getting worse.

It is why I voted to get out of Europe.

I ask myself if I made a mistake and will continue to do so.

It is why I will be paying close attention to what those running the country will do over the next couple of years.

I also imagine it is highly likely I will be sending letters to both Nigel Farage in time and likely to the next Prime Minister, whether this is Boris Johnson or someone else.

AN EXAMPLE OF A HARD LIFE

  • Picked on/bullied continuously at school by Jamaicans (never affected me but not good)

  • Parents divorced after years of fighting

  • Knocked off racing bike by a car about 13 years old (along bonnet, up windscreen onto roof then off the side) which would come back to haunt me later on in life

  • Kicked Out 14 (after row between mother and father)

  • No Qualifications as a result

  • Kicked Out 15 (I never broke laws or had bad habits by the way – by grandmother)

  • Left homeless by Local Council (Brighton and forgot about this one)

  • Get a great deal of really painful heartburn, diagnosed with Hiatus Hernia

  • Left Homeless 24 with a Baby Girl (Homeless five or six times in total)

  • Court Case for custody while at College (to get into UNI!)

  • Watched Grandmother die in hospital after wrong diagnosis

  • Ex girlfriend stole my home and I was left homeless, while at UNI!

  • Stabbed in back by Middlesex University over Degree grade (Despite Distinction on Thesis)

  • Beaten up repeatedly by ex-girlfriend

  • Along with other niggling pains beforehand my feet start to hurt

  • Found out person I cared about most was raped, had child

  • Dad humiliated on BBC TV for things he did not do (though he did bullshit)

  • I get attacked by bailiffs who take one of a kind £4,400 mountain bike that features in What Mountain Bike Magazine plus 4 other things, they lie and tell me they sold it all for £735 (JBW Group) but I know the bike sold for £2,800 (parking ticket £550)

  • Despite trying hard and using forums I do not get Police interested in bailiif fraud

  • On a forum I get intercepted by a woman claiming my case against bailiffs worth millions

  • After getting details of witnesses and all my paperwork woman who contacted me via Community Action Group vanishes along with my witness (who saw bike sell for £2,800)

  • Person closest to me was abused and held against her will be radical Muslims

  • Found out radical Muslims were asking about Stratford, prior to London Olympics (they was in Liverpool)

  • Eventually get my hands on the Home Office file on one of the radicals I still have today, published on blog long ago

  • Start recording background conversations and sending the DVDs to MI5

  • He was left homeless by a Local Council

  • My father died prematurely at 56 (all 500 people at funeral blames the BBC)

  • DWP Kick me off disability

  • Get involved with someone to start a business but he turns out to have .. problems and a bit child like and a bit of a bully

  • I get stalked and get hate mail and photos over a period of about 6 months to a year

  • Grandchildren stolen by evil ex

  • Uncle dies at 58 leaving me feeling guilty to this day I did not see more of him

  • I decide to start BLOGS

  • Court case gets started up over my grandchildren and failures of the local council

  • After asking for 13 years about my feet I find out most of my 100 plus symptoms are due to Fibromyalgia

  • Court case leaps across five courts (Magistrates, Criminal, Family, Crown, Hig and Supreme Court)

  • I quickly realise upon research that the NHS already knew about Fibromyalgia and repeatedly lied to me through maybe a dozen General Practitioners (diagnosis I made confirmed at Guy’s Hospital but they tried hard not to refer me)

  • I manage to get back on Disability after proving that the DWP are corrupt and when you ask for the medical evidence they burn them (meaning Doctors all lied on letters too)

  • Court case of person close to me is won by person close to me and large damages awarded (or so I am told), they then disappear and still awaiting contact

  • DWP go after my Incapacity Benefit instead of my PIP benefits with via lying along with the lamest of excuses proving they have no medical knowledge whatsoever and no medical professionals … AGAIN! (post later)

  • Capital Punishment is more humane

  • Driven by the thought that these things can still keep happening to the person that is closest to me, others and my grandchildren

  • During all the above series of Anxiety and Panic Attacks, breakdowns and even suicidal periods

EVIDENCE

  • Paperwork and documents going back 20 years plus

  • Recordings cover several Local Councils, NHS, two Police Forces & others (much on here)

  • Also several retail chains selling refurbished goods as new to me (Littlewoods, Argos & PC World) – missing from that list

  • Did not list all disasters, thought it would be too long, and …

  • Should be mostly in chronological order

  • Ailments: Fibromyalgia (120 odd symptoms), Inguinal hernia Repair Pain, Inguinal Hernia, Hiatus Hernia, Physical problem right knee, High Blood Pressure, Postural Hypotension, High Cholesterol

  • Now having seizures too, falling unconscious

POSITIVE THINGS

  • Passed driving test

  • Had a daughter (later to turn bad of course)

  • Learnt Wing Chun basics

  • Attended University

  • Got a BSc Degree in Applied Computing

  • Owned two Cloverleaf Alfa Romeos and a GTV 3.0 V6
  • Owned an Audi A6 Quattro
  • Owned a dream one of a kind mountain bike, albeit briefly, that appears in What Mountain Bike Magazine

  • Learnt advance Wing Chun

I have constantly asked myself how common lives like this are and could there be people actually worse than that?

They would have to survive it all of course!