THE FOCUSED MIND

Was trying to read about metallic hydrogen.

Good God, the human mind is a temperamental beast!

It’s so hard to do anything when your mind is constantly being torn in different directions.

It’s also impossible to get to grips with this when you have seemingly impossible hurdles that are numerous and a thousand things racing through your mind.

I was given a film weeks ago and the other day I was asked if I had watched it ..

“The blu-ray player hasn’t even been plugged in for three months now!” I replied.

We talked about music too and I forget if I mentioned but .. I found my music player I haven’t seen for more than six months in a place of checked three times or more?! Yeah .. as I said .. the mind is a God damn pain in the arse in my case and for many reasons. In to the next bit ..

I told them that lately I was not calm or relaxed enough to even enjoy music. Christ I have a hard enough time even focusing on a simple short TV episode!

Gaming?! Yeah .. forget it!

What I do manage to do but I end up giving up is uploading photographs of mine to try and sell. But this in itself is a long, laborious and in my opinion, unfair process. It’s also a very bad process in each case. Oh I’m sure the hosts think they are professional, are doing it right and their websites are great? But .. no!

In fact I got very almost completely rejected by one site who only approved one single solitary photo out of two dozen. Umm .. the one photo accepted was the one photo I was sure would be rejected?!

That was Adobe Stock, formerly Folio, and to be fair because of the lower pay I thought I could get away with photographs I wasn’t so keen on myself. Turned out neither were they. I was just thinking about having a wider selection of photos across several sites. Well .. three sites in actual fact.

I was curious about the rejection and the reasons sooo .. I thought I would put something to the test?

I picked photos that have been accepted by a site many place at the top of their lists. I wondered if the two sites might treat the photos differently? If they did then you know I’m going to have to ask why this is?!

I wondered, after being even further down about it all day a few days back, if I was going to the wrong sites?

I post process many pictures to make something look interesting. I might add softness on rare occasions, normally flowers. I mostly go for different tones in a black and white image. Sometimes I go artistic by posterising the picture. If I play around and don’t like it then I don’t convert it to a jpeg.

Maybe when I do this they are no longer classes as photos? I was rather surprised none insisted on uploading the original RAW file too.

I did start trying to look for sites that sell illustrations and artistic pictures though I can’t see my post-processed pictures falling into either category. I also was having focus and anxiety issues and gave up after a few minutes. My fingers were having difficulties touching the damn touchpad again too.

To be honest and I thought that after my last outing getting photographs that I would have had two or three days out by now but I haven’t.

Well this is to do with my health and those health conditions being aggravated by the public services. Intentional or otherwise.

In fact so many things seem to happen at just the wrong time that even my daughter now believes it is all by design.

In fact she realises it’s just like this with her too now and has been for a long time.

She’s sorry she didn’t believe and trust me ten years ago. Two of her friends have said that since I returned to London.

Each of us having a horrific life story to tell which combined .. blows many stories out of the water.

The shear suffering, actions against us, the longevity of this whole thing and the fact that children are suffering too. So bad was it that many didn’t believe it for many years. In some cases many, many years.

Yet we both at our worst points right now and with something going on for days I know no details about it’s .. pretty .. bad.

I didn’t eat again last night .. still no idea what I weigh currently but I saw my hip bone sticking out while lying on my side. That’s a first .. I think.

My heart is playing it’s tricks and my anxiety is doing it’s thing too.

What was I doing and saying? Ooh yeah, metallic hydrogen. Interesting stuff if I could focus on the more complex parts of the damn report!

Good God I really, really hate feeling like this. I am not able enough to do many things. Have too many things to do. Can’t god damn remember half the time. It would be easier and a lot more peaceful if I just died.

I do have someone to ring for help, though I very much doubt I’ll get the correct help?

But I’ve not been able to make that call because there’s been a real and present danger of something happening out of the blue. I just do not know what that is.

This might mean I have no choice but to travel and I’m fucking scared about that. Talking just around London here too, as stupid add that sounds.

I also think about how little help I’ve had, despite the promises, and that if I’m getting worse what will the future be like even in just five years?

Fucking terrifying is what.

At times like these, which sadly is most days, you get the odd flutter in the chest but every now and then it’s .. boom!

In fact there’s even different types of ‘boom’ that go on with my heart.

• One I’m sure it’s caused by Anxiety
• One I’m sure it’s caused by Tachycardia
• One I’m sure it’s caused by Palpitations

If they aren’t bad enough the sudden lack of energy is even worse. If you’ve ever been any sort of athlete and also experienced hitting that physical wall then it’s just like that. Your legs just don’t want to work and regardless of where you are you just want to lay down. Here where I currently am it’s impossible to go absolutely anywhere and just lay down.

I use to know that living in the countryside would help me a great deal with my symptoms, not to mention my photography. Now it seems like an unreachable necessity.

Though after recent incidents I’m still not even sure if I’d cope?!

And that’s just a tiny insight into what scrambles my brain on a daily basis.

Made worse by the stupid, naive and purely moronic suggestions I get off people on how to deal with this.

Many fail to see the issues. Some fail to see you can’t fight chemicals out of balance biologically or health conditions.

They think there is some magic switch which is exactly the way the powers that be in this country want them to think.

It’s also why a quarter of a million people have died and continue to die.

That’s the hardest part for me. All those deaths and the attitudes are still ‘fuck you’ more or less.

Yeah well if that’s your attitude give me fecking pill to end it humanely.

That way your saving money .. oh no wait I don’t fucking receive any money. At all!

Yeah because I’m sure me disappearing and my blogs ceasing will allow them to sleep better at night.

Well .. saying that in discovering a lot of people trying to go after the real truths and publish and talk about them just as I’ve been doing? So maybe they might sleep just a little bit better than they did previously if I disappeared overnight?

THE WARS OF THE MIND

Torturous.

That is what life has been for me for months on end now .. just torturous.

I have walked in front of so many oncoming vehicles since I have been here I am wondering if my subconscious is trying to reach for the off switch as well as my conscious mind?

It is constantly switching from not wanting to lose against this evil country, Theresa May and the Tory Party to just wanting to end my life. This morning is an end my life kind of morning.

I have tried to do things .. I have tried to battle it and my daughter has done the same but something just keeps on preventing us from beating this.

I sit in the park watching others wondering of they have any idea what is being done to people out there and the pain which they are forced to endure?

I wonder if and when it will ever stop and that even if it does and I find help from someone will this stop it? I sometimes doubt that.

At my age now and with the complications with my health it is hard to imagine ever feeling happy or even just normal ever again.

Adverts on TV regarding bringing awareness to mental health issues infuriate me as I always see these as just talk. Two hundred and fifty miles apart and both y daughter and I have see no change whatsoever.

It is partly about money but this just adds .. compounds the issues and the health often suffers as a result.

One thing I have dreaded is the difficulty sleeping as without much sleep I am going to be more tired, experience more anxiety and depression and make more mistakes. Maybe this is the reason why I have nearly been clipped by more than half a dozen vehicles? Two of those were buses .. I remember a black van whose passenger yelled at me. I also remember the last one .. a silver car at the exact location I was hit by a car around 35 years ago. What was that they say about lightning not striking twice? Probably others I cannot recall.

I am even a little disappointed each time I have had one of these close shaves, thinking afterwards how all of the pain would be over .. once and for all.

But even then things have been just so torturous that I even fear that our souls might be real, with an explanation in quantum mechanics, and that I might have to come back to this hell hole yet again. I wonder if there might be a choice and that I could simply say ‘no bloody way!’?

Here where I am currently I have trouble doing the simplest of tasks .. something that has now been noticed that does not notice anything in other people. Normally only themselves, though this wont last and wont bring me any benefits.

Those around me and that know me do not know that I feel like this and for two reasons. Firstly I do not like putting upon people at all and secondly because I will get the usual crap that is said without thinking that drives me up the wall ..

• What do you want to do that for?

• You have got to try!

• Why don’t you try doing something you enjoy to take your mind off things?

• Think about how other people will feel!

There is even one that thinks that the way I am is brought on by myself?! Though they have bee on some odd courses .. like a weird self-help thing where they believe everything is caused by the mind and that you have complete control over this.

They do not seem to comprehend things like chemicals out of balance, deficiencies or physical problems within the human body.

Oddly enough the one and only time I did get any help over 18 months ago they seem to think that talking was a cure and I have always maintained that in this instance it does not work, is something biological going on and that there are things that cannot be cured by talking. As much as I was appreciative of the help it is somewhat frustrating when they do not listen and therefore, in the cases of Doctors, do not even look into it.

Come to think of it I do not recall ever having any kind of test for anything to do with mental illness and I am wondering of there is in fact any tests? There must be things with mental health problems that are testable? Low magnesium causes mental health issues and that is testable and they have tested me for it. Their test result was wrong because they failed to see I am diagnosed with it, unless it was not put on my records, did not tell me they was testing it and therefore allowing me to inform them that I was on magnesium pills and it should be on y records.

Yeah .. a terrible mistake. Or a convenient one?

They act towards patients with patronising attitudes and act like they know everything and do not make mistakes and yet they make mistakes constantly. In recent years it has been reported a hell of a lot but the attitudes seem to persist.

One moron was an expert on my condition because he came across it once and then claimed I was wrong about something and when I told him to do his research still insisted he was right, when he was clearly very, very .. wrong.

Tome after time after time and visit after visit after visit and as my own daughter os now finding as are no doubt millions of others .. you end up not even wanting to go to a GP, hospital or walk-in centre.

But then when it comes to helping you .. there is nothing much out there. I certainly have had nothing and my daughter has been asking for a year, well a lot longer really but since the latest set of tragedies started, and has had nothing.

I am still losing weight too. That will likely continue to happen. I ignore comments about it, even weird comments I do not get where someone is trying to play a victim card in stating that people are blaming them. Yeah .. I am a 49 year old man, for Christ’s sake how can it be someone else’s fault? They will use absolutely anything to draw attention to themselves even deliberately provoking someone to attack them. They will literally promise they wont use bad behaviour that is downright rude and frustrating then then do exactly that within three minutes of stating it. They push you, you blow up and they run to everyone else with their victim card in their hands waving it furiously. The weird thing is everyone knows that they do this, they have been doing this for years, do not take any notice and no one can understand why they just carry on persistently doing this. In fact this has gone on for thirty years, something else ignored by the NHS and yet still they do it and we just do not understand how it is they can keep on trying this when it has never gotten them anywhere and everyone ignores it.

It is al their children’s fault and down to the way they are .. conveniently forgetting that they have fallen out with their own friends over the same thing and their own cousin. But when it suits it is specific to us. Yeah .. it is a veritable melting of ones mind.

Two of these children have not set foot in this house since I moved in! One has visited just twice.

You also cannot talk to them .. about anything and things are so bad that if I do even attempt it I get moaned at by two others for even trying it. You also get sixty seconds before they start repeatedly second guessing what you are going to say or switch it to about them where you get a very stale history lesson. Try to tell them how bad things are today and you get a lecture about how it was worse years ago? No .. it wasn’t!

Even fifteen years ago I would have been given full disability and housed while today they are deliberately leaving people to die. When your made aware of the consequences of your actions and you carry on regardless then your knowingly and therefore deliberately doing this.

Oddly there is talk of a scandal over this breaking and it brings some tiny little hope that it will and that this will force change? But I have thought this so many times in recent years, over ten years to be precise, and nothing happens. Or it will seem to sort itself out and then a while later goes horribly wrong. An example of this that many seem to miss is that I did get DLA .. at a time when they believed in the symptoms despite me not having a proper diagnosis. That was taken away and then several years later I was awarded PIP because I did have a diagnosis. Guess what happened a little while later? Yup, it was taken away.

You cannot get these benefits by just filling out a form, you never have. You have to provided proof and medical evidence. So I got it twice.

Basically I was on the top tier where when they first decided to screw disabled people I got kicked off. Until I could prove one of the things, yes it was just one at the time, that was wrong and I went back on it. Then they moved down to the tier I was on. I knew they was doing this but I never thought I would go through this a second time. They even stated to a charity that they would not come after people with my condition of Fibromyalgia. Then they did.

Then you get these amoral and extreme right wing sounding people that seem to think that all the money problems are because of benefit claimants, proving they are utter shit at maths as well as being amoral as well as extremely naïve, that think what they do is right. Also that what they say is right and love pointing fingers. Sorry but your shit at maths, amoral and God damn stupid if you think like this. They have been hammering people for 7 years plus, half a million benefit claimants and sick people have died as a result. You cannot agree to this and despite all that nothing has changed has it? Paying less taxes now are we? No and you never fecking will, idiot!

In fact if your a small business struggling .. well there are millions of people low paid and on benefits now scared to spend anything sooo.

Yeah so I sit in the park with my mind twisting and contorting most days. I often just want to die because I really do not know a way through this. I look at people and wonder of they have any idea at all what is going on? I see most of them as socialists and wonder of they even know that their attempts to change things have actually made things worse? Still are as far as I can see. Wonder if and when that will ever change. Well it kind of is but it is doing so ever so slowly and in theory could stop at any time.

DYING INSIDE

Right now I feel like I am literally dying ..

.. though I am really tempted to speed up the process!

I really did not want to even type this out but what ails me may in time help others?

I am on the verge of losing my belongings .. what there is left of them. Not all of them but most of them and on top of this I may be losing my bank accounts too.

My anxiety is through the roof and my mind feels like it wants to tear right down the middle and into two.

I have also found out that my daughter was supposed to have an operation last year on a hernia that can get strangulated and cause Gangrene?! Not done because her mother let her down looking after the children and there is no one else. Think that is bad?

Well it happened again recently over an operation for my daughter’s cervical cancer!

Also she has been under investigation for stealing from someone .. close to home .. also reported by her own siblings as it turns out.

But this is the person that the authorities keep insisting is a wonderful person and can be relied upon year after year .. after year.

It very literally feels to both my daughter and me like things have been plotted against us for us to fail and even for us to commit suicide. Articles in Love It and Take A Break Monthly magazines recently only show two parts of my daughter’s horrific life that total a few dozen parts. We really thought and were told that this would lead us onto other things .. but now starting to think it was a tokenism gesture by someone to shut us up for awhile longer? Two people and two offers and neither of them were followed through.

So basically my time has run out and my own difficulties alone run into the dozens and this is just too much to take and it just keeps getting prolonged.

No money being paid in either means that I will run out of the most stupid things and other things that keep some pretty bad pain and death at bay.

Also and when my anxiety is like this I have three things that either occur or increase ..

• Heart Palpitations
• Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs
• Sudden disappearance of energy that makes walking excruciating or impossible
• That does not include many other things besides but are the main ones

I want to walk in front of a bus right now but do not want my daughter to be told her father has died, what with everything she has going on.

At the same time I have been wondering how much the human mind can take before .. it ruptures?

My situation is also impossible as no one seems to realise, care or are too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to do anything or help. Though I am not sure how they can help to be honest with you. But when your like this you just hope there is someone out there to help .. somewhere?

So I fear that I will end up like some really crazy person, in a padded cell somewhere rocking back and forth?!

I cannot get really far and for weeks all I have managed is a park over the road and within a few hundred yards of the bottom of a hill in Waltham Abbey, which was not without difficulties.

I just want to feel normal again and take photographs and post-process a few hundred photographs I have been unable to do. Monday and Tuesday just gone there should have been 200 to 300 photographs uploaded. God knows when I will get around to doing that, if at all.

I had also come across the idea of uploading some to a sight that sells photographs for you, called Alamy, but that went wrong. Supposed to upload three but something went wrong with the third one and then it would not allow me to send the third.

But then there is the worry of what will happen if I lose my bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

I had tried to reach out to other people in the hope of getting interest in out stories, though mainly my daughter’s. In the hope that exposing what the public services were doing that at least her nightmare might end? But to no avail ad when you get like this you seriously get angry and disappointed with the fact you have gone to everyone you can think of and they basically tell you to fuck off, move along or send you off to someone else you know is going to say the exact same thing.

It appears that even with something afflicting you that can be potentially fatal .. or just tear your mind in two gets you now help or sympathy whatsoever.

Kind of crazy then that Swedish civilians spend thousands and even tens of thousands of pounds travelling dozens of miles to collect up and patrol streets so that the people there can feel safe?

I think I would pass out if I ever saw groups in the UK doing this?

There is also the issue of not being able to buy the magnesium and vitamin B pills as this will cause a lot of pain before eventually leading on to my death. Not a way I want to go to be honest!

God I just wish this torture would end one way or another!

EDIT: I am even worried about losing the use of my phone only in that my daughter wont be able to ring me and have someone to talk to?! It has got a fault with the screen and does exhibit some odd behaviour.

TORTUROUS

This was unexpected on several fronts.

I awoke this morning with a little anxiety and a lot of panic .. in pain from my bladder as per usual and heart racing. I am meant to try and find a NHS Walk-In Centre to try and obtain my prescription medication but did not really feel .. up to it.

I had also awoken late after a night of not being able to sleep again .. probably thinking and panicking about a court hearing fast approaching and if I will get there as it is so early, due to my sleep now playing up, whether I will win and how much is resting on this court case? Probably? Definitely.

Well I say .. ‘late’ but not as late as yesterday morning where I woke, to my utter shock and disgust, around 10.45am.

But this morning I was receiving texts as I woke up and I realised that it was Tuesday as my daughter was off to her appointment. Her appointment over her cancer where I thought it was just going to be about what, when, where and how they will operate on her. Except it appeared there was more to this appointment than either of us realised.

Before long she was dressed in a gown and looked like she was going to have an operation and they told her she wont get home until 6pm .. though quite how the children were going to be picked up I do not know.

I still do not know what this appointment is all about .. unless it was being kept form me so that I would not get upset or worried.

I am upset and .. well .. worried.

Is not doing my heart rate any good .. not that I care very much.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much the human body can torture itself, for all the proclaiming by scientists of how much of a miracle it is. These scientists have obviously been very lucky in the health lottery and likely never had to endure prolonged physical pain nor mental pain?

I am in a room that is no doubt smaller than the minimum required size for a prison cell. Of that I have no doubt.

But being shoved into something this size with all the pains, stresses, anxiety and along with the tools required to try and earn an income at some point along with the tools required by someone with a disability .. like my damned bike and it gets a bit of a squeeze.

Then you have days like this. Days that no one should endure. Not even the devil himself.

After trying a different tactic on how to do what I need to do while cutting down the pain I spent last night trying to think of something else I could purchase that might help. When I was not focused on other concerns.

It feels like a million things are racing through your head at once at times.

I have often also stated that I honestly do not know what is worse at times, severe mental anguish or severe pain and when I experience each I always think “This .. definitely this!” The truth is that when severe enough I think they are equally as bad but beyond a point things change. The mind breaks with one extreme and passes out with another. This far I have only experienced one of those two.

At the end of the day you feel condemned .. on both sides. What makes it worse is knowing that others have knowing you put you hear and that many do not give a flying f.. shit.

Ultimately you ask yourself why in the hell you are here and what you are here for?

Maybe it is just me? Maybe being alone, or feeling lonely whichever you prefer, is what does this and maybe I am just unlucky in the set of circumstances I find myself in? But it was anxiety that drove me to my current situation and location. Once again brought about because others do not give a crap and those tasked to help or protect you also do not give a crap .. and lie and cheat to save money while awarding themselves all kinds of things?

What this results in is you praying for it to end in the only way you think it will end. Death. You even start to wonder about bringing this about yourself and whether you could build up the courage to do this and how you would do it.

It almost always came down to carbon monoxide for me, not being able to get a hold of the necessary drugs to do it. Christ .. I cannot even get the only damned drug that works on my condition .. sodium oxybate! Like I said .. condemned and knowingly condemned at that.

But we are not supposed or allowed to end it and nor can we be assisted. We have to stay alive .. endure whatever is thrown at us and .. do as we are told and what is expected of us, come what may?! If we were dogs we would be ‘put down’ or ‘put to sleep’. That would be far more humane than what the British government and the UK’s public services have been knowingly doing to people in recent years.

Of course there is that one other thing that stops you and that is that if she does survive what my demise would do to my daughter.

Does not sound like I have a lot of faith in winning my court hearing does it? Mind you this may be because I feel like I will let myself down over it all .. but failing to turn up? Though I am supposed to have a representative there I have had no confirmation that they will be.

I have also expressed my concerns about this but have not heard anything back.

Even my social worker friend says that they have been bad at replying to me and never seem to read my emails .. which they do seem to be proving correct even right now.

I do not even know what I would do if anything happen to my daughter while at the same time am well aware that her life is itself yet another living hell.

Once again another case of cancer and no fucking sign of any of the big cancer organisations that appear on TV in adverts begging for your money.

The operation for this specific cancer is not guaranteed and in fact has a chance of the cancer returning rather aggressively. It is also very close to reaching the stage, if it has not already, where it would require radiotherapy and chemotherapy.

During all this .. they have gotten out of paying for their rent, first only wanting to pay 25% of it and even now only 50% of it. They have lied and conspired to not pay Disability Living Allowance for a severely Autistic child, despite this being extremely dangerous, there being three other children and with one of those possibly being autistic too. To put the cherry on the proverbial pie she also has my disability which, like me, they have wondered about and missed for many years. But then some completely incompetent Doctors do not believe our disability exists .. STILL?! Morons! Yeah .. I had all the perfect symptoms listed for it for fifteen years before I was discovered what it was that I was afflicted with .. something that was both missed and I was not warned about when I had the severe road accident 36 years ago. Yup .. that was they key point that set it off .. with weird symptoms piling on one by one over the years for 22 years when my feet became affected. I then asked for another 13 years before I discovered what this was myself and even then they tried to deny I had it and then tried to avoid a diagnosis by making excuses to not refer me. One was that a department that specialises in Fibromyalgia within the NHS simply did not exist. Anywhere. I later discovered from a Fibromyalgia charity that this was a lie and that there were dozens all over the country.

Now at the time you only had two choices, incompetent or liar? I am pretty good at working things out and .. knowing people and I called liars. Many said I was completely mad or just plain wrong and I stuck to my guns because I knew what the facts were. Well those facts have now been exposed .. they are being paid not to refer people and to do that they have to .. you guessed it, lie!

Yeah that crap about Doctors being paid not to refer people? Yeah .. it is not only about referrals and it has been going on a very, very long time. Told you.

Now I am just babbling on because I simply do not know what to do with myself as per usual but this time I am .. somewhat restless and more so than normal. Because I do not know what I am going to be told in several hours time!

Do you know what life actually is, has been for a long time and on different levels?

Torturous.

THE WINTER OF THE FAMILY OF DISCONTENT

Fear.

That is what I fear the most.

But fear is something that is meant to be a warning to us .. except that .. is not always the case. Not in my case at any rate.

In my case any one single fear can be too much. That is one problem.

Fear of things that you should not be frightened of .. things that .. you never used to be frightened of .. things that are .. well to put it plainly .. stupid.

I cannot describe how frustrating this is when it is not taking place.

I cannot describe how painful this is when it does.

Now imagine a long list of things?

One thing. That is all it would take to ease all of this .. just one thing.

This could be an email or a letter .. it could come as a phone-call.

It could from a family member and be about the remainder of the inheritance that was stolen from us all?

It could be from a solicitor stating that my PIP is getting reinstated?

It could be from the DWP themselves telling me they re reinstating the living component .. though this would only be  short term measure but enough time to get everything else sorted out .. with any luck?

It could be something else form the DWP .. an apology that they lied to me and cheated me .. claiming they did not realise .. well for one specific occasion. Reinstating the NEA payments they promised for 13 weeks?

Any of this and more only helps me to help others and primarily my family.

Alternatively I could hear something from the other adult among the family I find myself trying to help 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Extra money for the fact that there are two Autistic children out of four .. something that is fairly rare though we did read about some poor parent that had three autistic children!

A proper place that is suitable for all four children and preferably out of the area altogether.

Judging fro what I am hearing the area is on the verge of collapse .. after hearing about a taxi driver telling us that he and a lod of other taxi drivers are leaving Birkenhead altogether because they are getting no fares and therefore .. no money.

It could be the offer of proper schooling for the two autistic ones along with provisions, one way or another, for the things required to make things less demanding on us.

But it is still the other issues tat are bothering .. probably the most of all and have rising steadily to the top of the primary tree .. because of the tests for cancer and the reactions of all involved within the health service.

I tend to know professional people only too well and the only reasons they react in the way that they have is either it is something serious .. or they are covering themselves because they think they missed something. Either way it is not good and has us on edge.

That brings with it a possible inevitability and one that has to be thought about .. because there are no less than four children’s futures at stake.

That .. is .. the most petrifying.

That has now been made worse by reading that the government does not offer much in the way of help for sole carers of children that are related. Grandparents or Uncles and Aunties for instance.

It is simply staggering for a country that likes to act to the rest of the world as if they are the greatest things since the proverbial sliced bread.

I was writing this as a Family Support Worker was visiting. Seems like another OK guy, a bit like the Health Visitor who we are now presented with a book by, Jacky or Jackie Fleming I think is her name?

He has now gone and while were were both smoking .. yeah try quitting when you have what we have going on and I did quit before for three years, we finally found out something from the hospital.

They also stated that she would need treatment. Hence why she has not been discharged but then I was pretty convinced that she would. The worry was and still is how .. dangerous this turns out to be.

There is yet another clinical meeting and the words ‘high grade’ and ‘lesion’ have been mentioned and therefore we have yet another long agonizing wait. Around three weeks by the sound of it.

Now I have to go and look up with this all means ..

Hmm does not really tell us much more than we already know?

Back to the never ending waiting game I guess?

Now we just have to get through Christmas and the New Year and maybe .. a move to a new house?

I pray to God the new house makes life .. easier .. even if it is just a little .. keeping children out of kitchen and away form the foods will certainly be a lot easier.

Away from each other in their rooms will be, or should be .. a lot easier.