That is what life has been for me for months on end now .. just torturous.
I have walked in front of so many oncoming vehicles since I have been here I am wondering if my subconscious is trying to reach for the off switch as well as my conscious mind?
It is constantly switching from not wanting to lose against this evil country, Theresa May and the Tory Party to just wanting to end my life. This morning is an end my life kind of morning.
I have tried to do things .. I have tried to battle it and my daughter has done the same but something just keeps on preventing us from beating this.
I sit in the park watching others wondering of they have any idea what is being done to people out there and the pain which they are forced to endure?
I wonder if and when it will ever stop and that even if it does and I find help from someone will this stop it? I sometimes doubt that.
At my age now and with the complications with my health it is hard to imagine ever feeling happy or even just normal ever again.
Adverts on TV regarding bringing awareness to mental health issues infuriate me as I always see these as just talk. Two hundred and fifty miles apart and both y daughter and I have see no change whatsoever.
It is partly about money but this just adds .. compounds the issues and the health often suffers as a result.
One thing I have dreaded is the difficulty sleeping as without much sleep I am going to be more tired, experience more anxiety and depression and make more mistakes. Maybe this is the reason why I have nearly been clipped by more than half a dozen vehicles? Two of those were buses .. I remember a black van whose passenger yelled at me. I also remember the last one .. a silver car at the exact location I was hit by a car around 35 years ago. What was that they say about lightning not striking twice? Probably others I cannot recall.
I am even a little disappointed each time I have had one of these close shaves, thinking afterwards how all of the pain would be over .. once and for all.
But even then things have been just so torturous that I even fear that our souls might be real, with an explanation in quantum mechanics, and that I might have to come back to this hell hole yet again. I wonder if there might be a choice and that I could simply say ‘no bloody way!’?
Here where I am currently I have trouble doing the simplest of tasks .. something that has now been noticed that does not notice anything in other people. Normally only themselves, though this wont last and wont bring me any benefits.
Those around me and that know me do not know that I feel like this and for two reasons. Firstly I do not like putting upon people at all and secondly because I will get the usual crap that is said without thinking that drives me up the wall ..
What do you want to do that for?
You have got to try!
Why don’t you try doing something you enjoy to take your mind off things?
Think about how other people will feel!
There is even one that thinks that the way I am is brought on by myself?! Though they have bee on some odd courses .. like a weird self-help thing where they believe everything is caused by the mind and that you have complete control over this.
They do not seem to comprehend things like chemicals out of balance, deficiencies or physical problems within the human body.
Oddly enough the one and only time I did get any help over 18 months ago they seem to think that talking was a cure and I have always maintained that in this instance it does not work, is something biological going on and that there are things that cannot be cured by talking. As much as I was appreciative of the help it is somewhat frustrating when they do not listen and therefore, in the cases of Doctors, do not even look into it.
Come to think of it I do not recall ever having any kind of test for anything to do with mental illness and I am wondering of there is in fact any tests? There must be things with mental health problems that are testable? Low magnesium causes mental health issues and that is testable and they have tested me for it. Their test result was wrong because they failed to see I am diagnosed with it, unless it was not put on my records, did not tell me they was testing it and therefore allowing me to inform them that I was on magnesium pills and it should be on y records.
Yeah .. a terrible mistake. Or a convenient one?
They act towards patients with patronising attitudes and act like they know everything and do not make mistakes and yet they make mistakes constantly. In recent years it has been reported a hell of a lot but the attitudes seem to persist.
One moron was an expert on my condition because he came across it once and then claimed I was wrong about something and when I told him to do his research still insisted he was right, when he was clearly very, very .. wrong.
Tome after time after time and visit after visit after visit and as my own daughter os now finding as are no doubt millions of others .. you end up not even wanting to go to a GP, hospital or walk-in centre.
But then when it comes to helping you .. there is nothing much out there. I certainly have had nothing and my daughter has been asking for a year, well a lot longer really but since the latest set of tragedies started, and has had nothing.
I am still losing weight too. That will likely continue to happen. I ignore comments about it, even weird comments I do not get where someone is trying to play a victim card in stating that people are blaming them. Yeah .. I am a 49 year old man, for Christ’s sake how can it be someone else’s fault? They will use absolutely anything to draw attention to themselves even deliberately provoking someone to attack them. They will literally promise they wont use bad behaviour that is downright rude and frustrating then then do exactly that within three minutes of stating it. They push you, you blow up and they run to everyone else with their victim card in their hands waving it furiously. The weird thing is everyone knows that they do this, they have been doing this for years, do not take any notice and no one can understand why they just carry on persistently doing this. In fact this has gone on for thirty years, something else ignored by the NHS and yet still they do it and we just do not understand how it is they can keep on trying this when it has never gotten them anywhere and everyone ignores it.
It is al their children’s fault and down to the way they are .. conveniently forgetting that they have fallen out with their own friends over the same thing and their own cousin. But when it suits it is specific to us. Yeah .. it is a veritable melting of ones mind.
Two of these children have not set foot in this house since I moved in! One has visited just twice.
You also cannot talk to them .. about anything and things are so bad that if I do even attempt it I get moaned at by two others for even trying it. You also get sixty seconds before they start repeatedly second guessing what you are going to say or switch it to about them where you get a very stale history lesson. Try to tell them how bad things are today and you get a lecture about how it was worse years ago? No .. it wasn’t!
Even fifteen years ago I would have been given full disability and housed while today they are deliberately leaving people to die. When your made aware of the consequences of your actions and you carry on regardless then your knowingly and therefore deliberately doing this.
Oddly there is talk of a scandal over this breaking and it brings some tiny little hope that it will and that this will force change? But I have thought this so many times in recent years, over ten years to be precise, and nothing happens. Or it will seem to sort itself out and then a while later goes horribly wrong. An example of this that many seem to miss is that I did get DLA .. at a time when they believed in the symptoms despite me not having a proper diagnosis. That was taken away and then several years later I was awarded PIP because I did have a diagnosis. Guess what happened a little while later? Yup, it was taken away.
You cannot get these benefits by just filling out a form, you never have. You have to provided proof and medical evidence. So I got it twice.
Basically I was on the top tier where when they first decided to screw disabled people I got kicked off. Until I could prove one of the things, yes it was just one at the time, that was wrong and I went back on it. Then they moved down to the tier I was on. I knew they was doing this but I never thought I would go through this a second time. They even stated to a charity that they would not come after people with my condition of Fibromyalgia. Then they did.
Then you get these amoral and extreme right wing sounding people that seem to think that all the money problems are because of benefit claimants, proving they are utter shit at maths as well as being amoral as well as extremely naïve, that think what they do is right. Also that what they say is right and love pointing fingers. Sorry but your shit at maths, amoral and God damn stupid if you think like this. They have been hammering people for 7 years plus, half a million benefit claimants and sick people have died as a result. You cannot agree to this and despite all that nothing has changed has it? Paying less taxes now are we? No and you never fecking will, idiot!
In fact if your a small business struggling .. well there are millions of people low paid and on benefits now scared to spend anything sooo.
Yeah so I sit in the park with my mind twisting and contorting most days. I often just want to die because I really do not know a way through this. I look at people and wonder of they have any idea at all what is going on? I see most of them as socialists and wonder of they even know that their attempts to change things have actually made things worse? Still are as far as I can see. Wonder if and when that will ever change. Well it kind of is but it is doing so ever so slowly and in theory could stop at any time.