As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.
I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.
I have not told all on here.
If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.
I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.
Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.
I had to make them make a promise.
I told almost all of it.
As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.
There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.
Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.
It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.
As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.
It now looks like that was engineered too.
We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.
I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!
Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.
So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.
I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.
To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.
I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.
I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.
I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.
I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.
That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person’s name and their face and how I would miss it so.
I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.
As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.
I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.
That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.
That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.
Am I not the unluckiest man alive?
Am I not the very definition of the term ‘loser’?
Right now it would certainly seem so.
My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend’s girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”
My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.
I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.
The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.
He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..
I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.
I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?
A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.
Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.
But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?