THE STORY SO FAR

So .. I have been busy on several fronts .. honestly thought several times I was about to buy the farm .. in one incident twice in a matter of seconds.

Several dumb arsed cyclists almost killed me .. causing me to swerve drastically as they second guessed a light change wrong. Then my heart while I was on a bike was going crazy. First time that has ever happened while riding a bike.

Due to the lack of help I pushed myself to get photographs with my one single possession I have left .. my professional camera. Only I thought I had a week of peace and quiet to do it with the resident narcissistic, amoral and resident socialist away for a week with the sad sack of shite that turns my router off every night going with them. Except it was a nightmare.

Someone that had not spoken the the bullying socialist decided while we were out together that he would come in the house. After two years of not speaking to them due to their ways and amoral, though she does not see it, ways.

He then sees damp in the bedroom and having done a fair bit of decorating decides he will do it and will only take a couple of days. Ten days later ..

This went on the whole week two others were supposed to get a break .. this included looking after children at the same time while also trying to get out to do some photography.

We ended up at Cuckmere Haven in Sussex and a place I was familiar with as a child.

That went wrong on every level and it was only spotting a patch where we saw Common Blue, Adonis Blue, Clouded Yellow and a single Bath White Butterfly along with Painted Lady Butterflies that it did not end up being a complete disaster. Giant Green Grasshopper of some kind too. Personally I missed getting a shot of that. Stonechats I could not get close to, Linnets and some off looking Wagtails what must have been some odd form of White Wagtails.

This place had a huge car park and was always very quiet and to get to the beach was close to a 2 mile walk. Half a mile to a mile across too. So over four miles to do the whole circuit. There are reportedly over 200 species of birds which includes the Kingfisher.

Only when we arrived the car park seems to have shrunk .. there was a building for boating I do not recall .. you now have to pay like everywhere else in nature to park and .. it was packed to the rafters with people.

Another odd thing was the amount or Orthodox Jewish families .. I used to live there and you never used to see Jewish people .. do not recall them at all years ago in fact. That day I must have seen over 20 families? Maybe they have been getting away from London for years? The threats that are building up with each passing year? Know some that went to Israel because of this. Wish I could get away .. again!

We did not do the circuit .. a series of little calamities took place .. nearly getting locked on one car park as was parked in the wrong one. Tailgate to new car hitting a height restriction in another car park later. Plus we only got around half-way to the beach .. so the white chalk cliffs remained annoyingly out of range of my camera.

The cliffs also had people walking up them and I had not visited the area since the 1990’s and despite that the place felt both familiar and bizarre. I just could not get used to the amount of people and it seemed like the so called Wildlife Trusts, which are not to be trusted these days, were trying to commercialise the place?

Despite not being familiar with the place .. even the two I was with now realising how far away the beach was could not get over just how many people were walking up and down that length to get to it. At one point a Spitfire flew over and we started to speculate whether or not there was some air show on in Eastbourne and people were heading to the beach or the cliffs to watch it? I also spotted a mast where there should not be one above the ridge to the beach .. so maybe there was something else going on? We never got down far enough to find out.

In between all this I was still trying to get out .. spent the entire week with several damn pains that had me almost praying for some off the shelf drug that would not only deal with it but give me energy to do what I needed to always have one in mind but not because I have ever taken it .. as I have not, but because of what I am always told it can do. Honestly sounds like heaven to me these days.

Despite that week being over the previous Sunday, today being Wednesday, I have still not fully recovered. Another thing about this damn health condition .. it has a nasty delayed reaction and seems to take longer and longer and longer to recover from overdoing it.

I am my own worst enemy as overdoing it is hard to judge and I tend to push myself further and further until I end up having no choice but to overdo it.

Was also supposed to try and sell something, difficult to do for several reason, in that week but that did not happen and now the effing socialist is back it makes it hard along with a couple other reasons.

Ended up cycling to the Banksy Tunnel at Leake Street, Waterloo though that was not the plan when I left the building. Spend my entire time panicking internally about things due to situation and lack of funds. ‘What if this breaks down?’ and ‘What if I run out of this or that’? That sort of thing which just adds to the damned anxiety which adds to my heart issues.

Yesterday I did nothing and yet so tired from a few days before not only was I suffering anxiety but my heart was playing up and I had not exerted myself in any way to cause it either yesterday or the day before.

Been trying to second guess and judge this disability for years and as people on social media know .. I am very good at second guessing. Pretty good predicting rate going back way before this blog even started 7.5 years ago now.

But this condition of Fibromyalgia? Impossible.

So on social media I have been a bit .. absent a day or two here and there. Seem to recall one being worried I had gone altogether. Stating he always enjoyed reading my posts.

Funny is it not? I am popular among people into various areas of wildlife, yes it does have various areas. Butterflies, Dragonflies, Fish, Reptiles and amphibians the list goes on. You would never believe this looking at my numbers on Blogger or YouTube. Ahem .. messed with numbers on those platforms, I mean.

Same applies for all the different areas too .. various sciences and politics. Everyone I ever met said I should go down a storm .. yeah still waiting for that. So help has not come .. and so I ended up contacting a famous .. help and advice agency .. and umm ..

Just prior to my horror week I met them and they told me that after a phone-call with me that they had put out an alert .. and someone was supposed to get in contact with me in 5 days. Not only was I shocked that they did this .. but three sitting there were shocked that no one had got in contact with me and they asked if I was sure.

Anyone have any thoughts as to why this was?

I was emailed yesterday morning, now around two weeks or more on, and asked if anyone had contacted me. The answer was ‘no’.

This was a famous, household name and nationwide agency whose name I will not divulge at this time. One chap seemed OK his mate set my alarm bells ringing when he said “.. the damn Tories!” and I answered “My friend .. I do NOT trusty any of them!” and thought to myself if he even so much as MENTIONS Jeremy Corbyn I will explode.

Oh yeah and I told them I did not trust anyone .. did not trust them and it became clear they were leftists and socialists in mere minutes of the 90 minutes I was there.

Never understood the agencies idea of telling you to do the obvious things you already know you have to do and the damn ‘talking cures’. Was told something a little different to that I was told on the phone .. and then I was told to lie. Go figure!

So photographs, being told the obvious and to lie, cannot find my medical records for them due to everything going on, painting and decorating, cycling too far .. heart issues, two pains in my back, weak knees and very tired legs and a pain in my arse .. literally! And then ..

Wars on social media to the point that a guy that set up a parody of David Dubyne of Adapt 2030 channel on YouTube decided I was now his number one target. Well one and two actually but we wont go there, eh?

Added to this Greta Thunberg kept coming up and this whole thing with that girl was simply ridiculous and it became clear that climate alarmists were not merely naïve fools .. they were actively ignoring and dismissing actual scientific facts while insisting they was all about the science. While they swore, hurled labels and insults at you. I realised they were Marxists masquerading as people caring about the animals and the planet. No .. what also become very clear is they do not care about the planet at all. When lives and even extinctions are at stake you DO NOT dismiss scientific data out to you as a knee-jerk reaction unless you clearly have an agenda. And there agenda does not include saving the lives of any people or animals. I had started to expose this and it was NOT going down well.

So this Marxist in Australia blocked me on his David Dubyne fake account .. he had now done this three times across different accounts. And then within an hour or two I get ..

A phishing email that was created in Australia that assumed I was American probably because I have a lot of MAGA people follow me and talk to them about Trump. The email pretending to be Facebook asked me to send copies of my driver’s licence and photo in as my account had been restricted.

Now this Marxist had his first name of Thomas found out and was mention by other on Twitter he flew into a rage and accused people of doxing and wanting them arrested. For his first name. Doxing? Laughable.

But this is the person sending out phishing emails to someone that has proved him wrong for a few months without fail where has has not succeeded once against me, like so many others.

This in the back of me harping on about little Greta foolishly posting a picture of herself with an Antifa tee-shirt on proving my point, News reports of members of Extinction Rebellion also leaving claiming to be disillusioned while whispering ‘Marxist agendas’.

Your agenda cannot be communism, anarchy and destroying the west while at the same time protecting the lives of people and animals.

Overthrowing the west and destroying democracy will cause anarchy and the protection afforded to children and animals fall away and they will suffer and die. You cannot have it both ways. Naive people need to wake up before they do more harm than good. Your being used.

They love to claim that most if not all scientists agree that global warming is man made and down to CO2 ..

No they do not and no it is not nor has it ever been. They are lying to you and I have put the facts to thousands and all the top people and all I get is silence. Now why would this be? Think about it.

They had already fired a large number of state climatologists in America by 2011 far speaking out about it being down to man and CO2.

A man I think invented the sensors to measure sediment for the Great Barrier Reef in Australia was fired for stating that the reef was actually growing and it is not down to CO2.

An atmospheric scientist based in the UK contacted me after I posted the video of the Australian scientist, below, stating that in the UK many knew it was not CO2 but scared for their jobs, mortgages and pensions. So the western world then?

Finally a video below shows Christopher Monckton, first time coming across him, talking about two scientists in Ireland who proved also that global warming is nothing to do with man or CO2 and were due to give lectures at a university when they were cancelled .. TWICE. Reasons given was threats from hard-left groups.

Why? Because they know its true and the only thing they have to try and control those below them they are treating as both stupid and naïve. Using your caring nature towards plants, animals and children to attain the power other others they so crave in their never-ending push for Dystopia.

Only I discovered one simple fact about these people .. those being used as pawns for this push towards Marxism .. are God damned low IQ morons! Every single time. Even one that goes around doing talks to audiences who can barely muster up followers of four figures on his Twitter account.

But they try ever so hard to come across that they know what they are talking about. Always having between 24 and a few hundred followers mostly they speak in threads trying to lure in others .. except after trying to hijack many of mine over a dozen times I laid waste to every thread he produced. Link after link, photo after photo, video after video and some history lessons on climate going back way, way .. WAY before the Industrial Revolution started. Like how Vikings used to produce grain and raise Sheep on Greenland and how it once had trees growing.

Think about that for a moment. 980AD in Greenland and t had trees so was warm enough, long enough for that tree to grow to full size. And its parent tree had enough time to grow to full size and produce seeds. But how was said trees pollinated? How many tree generations grew on Greenland prior to these trees?

If you was a believe in man-made global warming and was led to believe that we are at our hottest point right now on Earth .. well .. we clearly are not are we? So .. you was lied to was you not?

Now I will tell you what I have said for 15 to 20 years and I only found the scientific data to prove much of what I said this year of 2019. One I found myself atop a mountain in Calabria Italy in 2001.

Like many things in nature the temperatures wax and wane. There has been a warming period and I put this down to not ever really reaching a flat solar minimum in 33 years not allowing it to get too low .. along with three rising solar maximums. That is all gone which is why your seeing a lot of snow and its predicted to continue this downward trend until 2037. And WHAT I always said that before a big drop into a cooling or mini ice age period .. you might get a big rise.

These solar cycles last for around 11 years give or take so a series of rises or a series of drops could take 30 to 100 years or more?

Little did I know that long spoken theory would turn out to be correct.

Particular posts of note on this blog that would highlight just how evil the Marxists of modern day are and how they would turn against you or your children in a heartbeat .. you should look up the posts ..

• The Magnetic Flip Side .. part one In over twenty parts
• Country of the Damned
• A Frightening Truth
• The Socialist’s Dream
• One Million Victims
• The Solar Prediction
• The Revealing Realities

Just a few among the 3,800 plus I think it now is that just about every public service and every social media giant has spent several years trying to bury. Oh and very literally.

I have been treated so badly I wish they had just shot me dead. I have been called right-wing, far-right, Nazi, Alt-right and all manner of things. I tend to let them carry on and even wind them up and encourage them to go further with the labels. This can continue for days or weeks on end and I have become well known for it.

Te truth is you do not get to re-label and redefine everything to suit your evil plans for world domination. Officially, and thinking these days I would come out more centre-right, I am centre-left and a hairs breadth from Gandhi. So to call me these things you have to label Mahatma Gandhi them also. That is how ridiculous stupid, absurd and how much of a liar these people are.

Very literally if your big on honesty .. yeah your going to find it very uncomfortable before long, if you are not already, being involved with these leftists .. the UK’s Labour Party .. the Democrats in the US or elsewhere. Hear of Australia and New Zealand having issues.

It is like Damien from the film The Omen is running the world .. but not from a public position .. from somewhere in the background and using children to play the heart strings of potential blind fools. Maybe .. George Soros?

So are you happy with Jeremy Corbyn? Oddly I have asked him, John McDonnell and other top Labour MP’s several times if they have explained to their naïve followers that they are redefining ‘democracy’ now, which apparently means a ‘coup’ while carrying out ‘coup’ is ‘democracy .. I have asked if he has explained that wrong-thought leads to wrong-vote and that if Prime Minister he would do away with a General Election?

I have asked this dozens of times and this has gone of for many weeks and curiously not a single politician has responded.

Also curious is how Corbyn was a laughing stock for years but now where he currently is and asked who put him there because its .. just too suspicious. A terrible and stubborn Marxist leader where everyone, even Margaret Beckett admitting she was a moron to nominate him, where he could cause the most amount of division.

If you look on the face of it .. he stubbornly refuses to step down but what have they achieved for anyone? Where are they now? Can you EVER see him being voted in? Do not like the way the country is being run? Well it has not changed and not likely to change while he is leader of the Labour party is it? Even if he did become Prime Minister it would only get a lot worse for British people and the some.

So .. is he doing good? Or will you, or indeed are you, realising that he is not only doing a lot of harm but now showing that he is self-serving?

After demanding a General Election in every other sentence they all now do not want one .. because they know they will lose and also fear that the British will vote to show they want a No Deal Brexit and the people are not allowed to decide for themselves. Marxists do not allow that!

Do you think they have a say in mainland China?

Have you seen how the Marxists have been in solidarity, good lord I hate that word, with people in Hong Kong? People who openly asking for Donald Trump to help them, Britain to rule them again and fighting against another controlling communist regime?

A socialist leftist idiot woman challenged Avi Yemini in a video recently and mentioned Hong Kong and when he stated what they were saying she called him a fascist liar. “No they are not, don’t lie” or words to that effect.

You have gone out of your way to protest and cause trouble .. travelling down to some city centre to falsely accuse others and you cannot even do your own research on the people your talking about?!

Woman was an effing moron!

Or maybe they are doing what hey usually do .. ‘Oh that leftist society like every other one that has filed in the past was the wrong type .. ours is finally the one after hundreds of years that will work and its all based on lies and burying the truth along with scientific facts, history, maths and ignoring evolution and psychology’?

No! Your all fekking idiots!

Oddly enough ex Conservative Party member Christopher Monckton correctly said that about the Conservative party and Michael Gove in particular. He went further too and it is in the video below ..

Take a listen to this video shot in Ireland and here about those scientists that were silenced .. twice and HOW they were silenced and more importantly .. WHY!

The question remains to be answered .. are we living in a democracy or is it now just the illusion of a democracy because of late I have shifted to the latter I have to admit.

Spent years working .. for the truth and doing the things I want to do and they have constantly refused help and taken things away from me.

It is akin to running towards the light at the end of a tunnel in pain and memory issues and its getting further and further away and spent years feeling like I am slowly dying and will finally keel over right at the mouth of the tunnel just as I am about to achieve something?

Truly is a bizarre and evil world ruled and run by people that are amoral liars hell bent on being drunk on overall power over others.

All the time with the science telling us, in unprecedented ways, that we are heading towards a big drop in temperatures that could result in a mini ice age that will make any warming period look like a walk in the park.

Marxists banging on about climate science when they not long ago discovered a star, Methuselah Star, that is older than the actual age of the universe and its only 200 light years away? Really?! Was never comfortable with their methods of applying ages to the entire universe. Never.

Remember .. video above ..

• The Hard Left know they are wrong and therefore know they are lying
• This is why they threaten violence and jobs to shut down science
• They are lying to you and they KNOW IT
• They call people Nazis because they are so scared they will be called it

Now study this picture .. VERY .. CAREFULLY .. the authoritarianism runs across the top .. from right all the way to the left.

And is someone once said below ‘There are two types of fascists, fascists and antifascists.

Both ends will punish and happy to maim, injure or even kill those that do not agree or they just do not like.

It has got to this because a large number of people have buried their heads in the sand, I refer to those as sandheads, or placed them in a bucket. This is what happens when the majority ignores shite.

I have not ignored this since 2010 to 2011 and arguably long before. Worked my backside off since 2012 and it would appear there is a lot of money to be made in being a fascist or lying.

Not quite so rewarding if your trying to be the honest level headed hero type trying to expose everything.

As for them .. looks like the perfect plan to create division, incite violence and start a civil war .. what better way to be the evil opportunists they are and take over?

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DYING INSIDE

Right now I feel like I am literally dying ..

.. though I am really tempted to speed up the process!

I really did not want to even type this out but what ails me may in time help others?

I am on the verge of losing my belongings .. what there is left of them. Not all of them but most of them and on top of this I may be losing my bank accounts too.

My anxiety is through the roof and my mind feels like it wants to tear right down the middle and into two.

I have also found out that my daughter was supposed to have an operation last year on a hernia that can get strangulated and cause Gangrene?! Not done because her mother let her down looking after the children and there is no one else. Think that is bad?

Well it happened again recently over an operation for my daughter’s cervical cancer!

Also she has been under investigation for stealing from someone .. close to home .. also reported by her own siblings as it turns out.

But this is the person that the authorities keep insisting is a wonderful person and can be relied upon year after year .. after year.

It very literally feels to both my daughter and me like things have been plotted against us for us to fail and even for us to commit suicide. Articles in Love It and Take A Break Monthly magazines recently only show two parts of my daughter’s horrific life that total a few dozen parts. We really thought and were told that this would lead us onto other things .. but now starting to think it was a tokenism gesture by someone to shut us up for awhile longer? Two people and two offers and neither of them were followed through.

So basically my time has run out and my own difficulties alone run into the dozens and this is just too much to take and it just keeps getting prolonged.

No money being paid in either means that I will run out of the most stupid things and other things that keep some pretty bad pain and death at bay.

Also and when my anxiety is like this I have three things that either occur or increase ..

• Heart Palpitations
• Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs
• Sudden disappearance of energy that makes walking excruciating or impossible
• That does not include many other things besides but are the main ones

I want to walk in front of a bus right now but do not want my daughter to be told her father has died, what with everything she has going on.

At the same time I have been wondering how much the human mind can take before .. it ruptures?

My situation is also impossible as no one seems to realise, care or are too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to do anything or help. Though I am not sure how they can help to be honest with you. But when your like this you just hope there is someone out there to help .. somewhere?

So I fear that I will end up like some really crazy person, in a padded cell somewhere rocking back and forth?!

I cannot get really far and for weeks all I have managed is a park over the road and within a few hundred yards of the bottom of a hill in Waltham Abbey, which was not without difficulties.

I just want to feel normal again and take photographs and post-process a few hundred photographs I have been unable to do. Monday and Tuesday just gone there should have been 200 to 300 photographs uploaded. God knows when I will get around to doing that, if at all.

I had also come across the idea of uploading some to a sight that sells photographs for you, called Alamy, but that went wrong. Supposed to upload three but something went wrong with the third one and then it would not allow me to send the third.

But then there is the worry of what will happen if I lose my bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

I had tried to reach out to other people in the hope of getting interest in out stories, though mainly my daughter’s. In the hope that exposing what the public services were doing that at least her nightmare might end? But to no avail ad when you get like this you seriously get angry and disappointed with the fact you have gone to everyone you can think of and they basically tell you to fuck off, move along or send you off to someone else you know is going to say the exact same thing.

It appears that even with something afflicting you that can be potentially fatal .. or just tear your mind in two gets you now help or sympathy whatsoever.

Kind of crazy then that Swedish civilians spend thousands and even tens of thousands of pounds travelling dozens of miles to collect up and patrol streets so that the people there can feel safe?

I think I would pass out if I ever saw groups in the UK doing this?

There is also the issue of not being able to buy the magnesium and vitamin B pills as this will cause a lot of pain before eventually leading on to my death. Not a way I want to go to be honest!

God I just wish this torture would end one way or another!

EDIT: I am even worried about losing the use of my phone only in that my daughter wont be able to ring me and have someone to talk to?! It has got a fault with the screen and does exhibit some odd behaviour.

CIVILISED BRITISH POLITICS

Ooh care about children on foreign countries do we?

Care about children in foreign countries should we?

This government loves to talk about how much they care about individuals or groups of people around the rest of the world except they are completely unaware of where the starting lie is when it comes to charitable acts.

Now below is a link to a woman in Luton.

Repeated health assessments? But wait a minute, Tories and their idiot voters love to state that all this shit is to weed out the non-serious claimants?

So why did I now win then? Despite the obviously corrupt HMCTS stating that my medical records state that I have issues and manage to miss a connection that has been missed, or lied about to me, for the last four years?

But wait a minute? Sandra Burns was REPEATEDLY ASSESSED?!

So how come that HMCTS did not notice this when she had to keep appealing?

But wait a minute? How come she ended up in debt with everything over this? Surely if she won her appeals she should have been awarded all the money she was missing?

Ooh wait? They changed the law so that you cannot go back beyond a certain time when it comes to backdating, which is wrong and immoral and now they have things all tied up just as they have with all the Statute Of Limitations where we are now expected to be the fucking experts.

Sadly Sandra Burns had a traumatic time of it with the DWP and HMCTS as .. she is dead!

Surrounded by hounding letters from various energy suppliers threatening to cut her off and from the DWO obviously asking her to go for her tenth assessment or that she was having her money stopped once again from her tenth and obviously unnecessary and lying, cheating assessment?

Poor woman .. I know how she was feeling as I feel like that myself .. though I am not surrounded with hounding letters or letters threatening to cut me off, Chance would be a fine thing.

Make no mistake .. Britain is a vile, corrupt, evil place to live and filled with naive or amoral people that either could not care less or have their heads wither in the sand or the clouds.

And people will be stupid enough to ask me why I want to die?!

Well .. if they ever find out, that is? I have kept that fact quiet for the last couple of weeks, let it slip to one person on the phone and it seemed to slip by them. Perhaps they thought it was a figure of speech?

Oh no I did mention it to a friend. He asked why and I said that I had, had enough.

Oddly enough he has escaped scrutiny thus far when I and other people he knows in the same situation as him have all been screwed over. He always thought he was untouchable years ago .. refused to believe it when I said that in a few years time it would all be changing. “They wont come after me!” he insisted. Since then they went after a friend of his with the same Type 1 Diabetes and I think that made him stand up and take notice?

Bearing in mind people can say and think what they like but ..

• Never stolen
• Never committed a crime
• Never hurt anyone, quite the opposite in fact
• Never hurt an animal, quite the opposite in fact
• Never sat on my backside and did nothing
• But I know criminals that are treated way, way better than I am being treated .. burglars, drug addicts and even domestic abusers?!

https://www.lutontoday.co.uk/news/disabled-luton-woman-hounded-for-benefits-claims-1-8503022

A HARD FOUR DAYS

I want to get something out just for the record ..

.. just in case anything was to happen.

I was forced into a situation that was supposed to be just two days and ended up at four days. I also ended up spending that time with someone .. which was pretty much unavoidable.

The only place near here where I can relax and do the things that I have been doing for years and did not do much of all last year is the only place this other person like to frequent. The one time I went down there on my own I managed to bump into them in no time at all. So after thinking that I would be down there on my own that lasted, very literally, all of five minutes of arriving.

Now this person should be an adult .. but often does not behave like one.

Your not allowed to talk about anything they do not want to talk about and even when your talking about the things that they do .. they can get irritable over something that you have said and they get snappy and sarcastic.

If that is not annoying enough .. sometimes they start talking about the things they do not want you talking about, like complaining about a certain someone, and then when you want to get your two penneth in they then cut you off, complain that they are getting pissed off and depressed and do not want to talk about it any longer. Mid sentence. Yah .. really.

On the second or third day .. we bumped into a couple of guys that he knows .. only knows in respect to bumping into. Not knows to the point of going round for an evening for coffee and a chat, you understand. The first guy we bumped into mentioned a protest he was either at or saw on the Internet that I had watched a video about the night before. I mentioned this in a previous post but I left out one small detail. This is politics and a subject that the person I had to spend the time with does not like. Me and Brian chatted quite a lot about this and I could tell that the person I was with did not like and and knowing them .. was probably getting pissed off. He gets pissed off very easily and a few others would testify to that. Very, very easily pissed off and cannot stop himself from being quite sarcastic to the point in the end where you want to thump him.

He is also impatient .. something that another member of the family has complained about for years and he will often just walk off leaving you standing there.

Just like the one other person in this house that should .. they also have not asked a single time about my daughter and as I am talking about my mother and a brother and my daughter has cervical cancer you would think that this was a given. But .. no.

Nothing was said about this .. conversation about politics.

Yesterday I had two weird moments..

First I was filming a Dunnock, a bird, which I later uploaded to my YouTube channel and the last words I heard were “I cannot get it to focus” on trying to get a picture with a Sony camera .. WHICH I GAVE HIM! He had obviously wanted to move on because as I finished filming and just prior to taking a few more shots .. he looked like he was half a mile away near a bend in the path.

Now remember .. I have several things wrong with me.

I took a few more shots and started walking where I last see him but he was gone. AT the point where he was there was two different paths and a bridge so could have gone one of three ways. I went one and before long had a choice of two paths once again. I chose another one and before long I had another two. Then another two. I was in Walthamstow Marshes and walking towards Coppermill Lane and I know he always likes going to Walthamstow Wetlands so I headed there. No sign of him. I sat on the edge of a reservoir doing some photography for awhile before moving off. I had decided at this point that if he was going to be childish so be it and I would be more than happy to spend the day on my own .. doing my own thing as I have always done. Only now I am aware of this low magnesium thing possibly resulting in me needing hospital care. Even this Sudden Death thing I read about. Heart palpitations, Calcification of the arteries or blood supply and they already detected heart wall hardening well over a year ago, maybe two? But at least I did not have my expensive camera with me so that if I collapsed someone would not steal it. If I lost that .. I would rather be dead.

I had also wanted to go back to a spot where I had seen some Grey Wagtails and a Reed Bunting where I also had a chance of seeing a Kingfisher. Eventually I did that.

While sitting at this other location over a mile from the previous one this person rolls up. He actually makes some excuses about being separated and tries to blame it on me and asks me where I went?! This was so typical of him.

Not wanting an argument and knowing one will most certainly start up I just ignored him and did not state the facts of what happened which would obviously make him look like he was at fault ..

“I did not go ANYWHERE. It was YOU that walked off .. I was standing still filming a Dunnock, how could it have been me?”

Now remember this for later but if I told my mother this I know she would say “Oh he does that with me and moans that I take too long!” because she has told me stories about this.

Now upon coming back here we was at a roundabout where the traffic was horrendous and I turned around and said ..

“Look at this traffic? My cycling around with a ten grand camera on my bike among all this traffic would make me nervous?”

This is not over getting hit by a car, I have done that already. No it is just about the camera getting damaged. So imagine my confusion when he says ..

“Oh I don’t give a shit me. I would just take it to Clissold Park and no one would be taking it off me without killing me!” in a sarcastic tone?

I said “What? What has that got to do with anything, I was just talking about the traffic” to which he snapped back “I am just saying, your always worried about the camera!” to which I said “Umm .. do you want to think about what you just said? Your saying that I should take a £10,000 camera to a local park where there is nothing to photograph and get into a fight with half a dozen guys that might decide to mug me? Let is stop playing the hard man for a moment please, I was just saying that because of the camera getting damaged, not stolen!” to which he then said something sarcastic and I said “Well we are very different people you and I” to which he said “Yes” in a sarcastic tone, was walking faster which meant he was pissed off .. yeah HE was pissed off, got on his bike and just fucked off and left me.

There are two in this house that like to switch to their own examples/stories/actions that bear no fucking correlation whatsoever to the subject your talking about and then get ratty with you when your the one confused and asked them why they have done this.

Like a said .. a child.

It made me laugh because he does not talk to strangers like this and if he did talk to either of these two guys like that they simply would not have anything to do with him any longer. But he thinks he is perfect, but complains about this attitude in others, and everyone else is weird. I mean he would not have dared to get annoyed with the other guy who was talking about the state this country was in with me.

So I got back here several minutes after he did.

Last night I was heading down the landing to the toilet when I heard him say “I just spent three days with him doing my head in ..” and did not hear any more than that.

He was telling this to my mother and the only reason I fucking heard it was because another idiot had taken the doors off their hinges downstairs.

The only reason I had to spend four days with him was because the two days I was supposed to be out of here were turned into four. The first day I was told that no one was allowed upstairs .. which was odd because later on I discovered that the two other members of this household spent the day upstairs. I was lied to in other words.

I was also cooked for last night when I had specifically told them not to and after hearing that lie stated felt physically sick and wanted to throw up .. to the point of wanting to make myself throw up.

I had only eaten because I was worried I would get muscles spasms .. due to being forced out and overdoing it .. just to keep others happy who do not give a fucking shit about anyone else but themselves.

In fact I can tell you this much .. I speak, though not to one of them of late, two two people that do not like each other and both have said this ..

They are amazed I have not exploded living here and think that my brother is being deliberately provocative and my mother is deliberately trying to kill me. One of these people know them well and is not related to them while the other one does not know them very much at all while IS related to them.

Needless to say my anxiety came back last night.

So on top of being spoken to like shit as per usual, having an argument start using something completely unrelated to an innocent remark I made. Hips hurting like hell. Calf muscles hurting like hell. Thigh muscles hurting like hell. Sunburnt nose, neck and bottom of my legs. Anxiety playing up on and off. Feet hurting. Tired. Worried like hell and wondering if I am going to get to a God damn court hearing I am hoping will get me out of this hell hole with these cruel and selfish people. Oops .. ranted on a bit there.

Yeah it was tough and now gone back to being borderline unbearable and though it did not need to be I have this awkward situation where the twats stuff is in my room .. yeah figure this ..

I am forced despite my protests to remove my stuff out of my room .. only to replace it with this person’s stuff from his room ..

Think about it for a moment? Why?!

Why make an empty space only to fill it with someone else’s stuff from their room? I cannot get access to most of my stuff and neither can this other person. Why?! For the fucking love of God, WHY?!

But if you complain about this to the other person he pulls his usual trick ..

“Oh you just have to go along with it just to keep the peace or you end up getting it in the neck. Don’t complain about it or I will not hear the end of it!”

But I have heard him have a dig at my mother over pathetic things, though she is no fucking angel, believe me or ask her cousin, Anne. Or ask my sister. Or my other brother who wont talk to her at all. In fact I am sure it was over .. ketchup? Something to do with dinner I think? It was something menial that is for sure.

My God .. are there no hippy communes full of tinfoil hatters out there that are all computer whizzes? I would like to live in a community like that .. in a country setting would be even better!

No Hare-Kirshna communes though! Or other weird cults.

EDIT: Oh and I forgot a fifth thing. When this guy Brian asked about us getting home I told him it was OK because we had workmen in the house .. I was later digged at and told not to talk about that with him?!

Yeah .. I am deadly serious .. see my memory? I had forgotten about that one! Lol.

Oh and he has never had anything expensive so he has no fucking idea how he would be with a £10,000 camera on him in a local park!

He is also not a Doctor, not the smartest cookie in the jar, never even spoken to a Doctor but made it abundantly clear in yet another dig that “I do NOT have Fibromyalgia” and even said that I did not at one stage .. stating, clearly it was my age?!

Like I said .. fucking infuriating.

SURPRISE PRESSURE

This was not supposed to take place until October 2018 and ..

.. well it had only been two days when they failed to turn up at all .. quoting that their work van had been stolen.

Currently the toilet, bathroom and this room, the kitchen, all look like this! They will not be the only ones either as they go into every room! Marvellous!

Also they are working on every room .. quite how others have survived this and there are tales of nightmares about it, or so I am told.

This could not have come at a worse time for me but .. oh well .. I am supposed to be out of here but the period of time keeps changing .. I also cannot lose weight quick enough it would appear ..

.. feeling suicidal but not because of this. Not eating and once again not because of this .. however a few weeks of this and God knows what will happen. Maybe pluck up courage?

Weird .. this. This came out of the blue several months early .. almost like it was by design?

BOOM!

That’s what it felt like in my chest as I woke up and before I even opened my eyes.

I thought last night I was OK and that I might come out of this. I had even sort of half planned to actually venture somewhere not too far and with someone.

But .. no. 😦

My God, this hurts soo much and going on for soo long.

THE END

I cannot do this any longer.

I have been on a severe anxiety low for a few days and added to this I have tried to find a way out of my current predicament and I cannot.

In fact I only seem to find more bad news that sends me further down. One that set me off was that you cannot get benefits while being homeless .. which looks kind of inevitable.

The symptoms are also getting too much, unable to get my prescription pills has not helped. This motion sickness type thing has even developed from feeling like the train is falling when riding one to feeling like I am falling each night when I get tired and close my eyes.

There are the usual pains of my feet, back and shoulders though this has now been accompanied by severe aching in my thigh muscles, which comes about by way of a magnesium deficiency.

The NHS and consecutive GPs have failed me time after time after time and I have had my known facts and other suspicions confirmed. Report after report of the government meddling and corrupting the NHS from Nurses through to GPs and up to hospitals.

I am staying in a home that is absolute torture .. bullied and stressed out all of the time and now my anxiety has made me .. bed bound for a few days now.

My heart is either feeling like a hand is on it squeezing it tight or my heartbeats are beating out of my chest which feel really uncomfortable, when it is not racing.

The one thing that is probably happening that I do not feel is my blood pressure is up .. but that might be about to change as I have gone of food. Which matters not.

I do not have the guts, quite obviously, to take my own life in many ways. So the fact I have gone off food, something I have done before, makes it easy for me to go on a type of hunger strike until the eventual and inevitable happens.

Today someone is calling me that will want me to go and stay somewhere for a few nights .. a kind of suicide refuge .. place. But I do not know and very much doubt if I can get there. I was in contact with them once before and never managed to get there that time.

I have tried .. I have tried to get out taking photographs for my Flickr account and have been adding to my corruption, British Wildlife and A Feel for Photos blogs so I have been trying. But like the refuge people said to me in an email ..

“That is far too much to take on”

All requests for help all think that just talking about it, therefore talking you out of it, are the answer and they are not. Not for many occasions. This is fine if it purely on an emotional level but as I said to the Samaritans .. sometimes only practical help will change anything.

My legal help has not amounted to much either and I am going to have to email her too and explain that I wont be able to get to the court hearing over my PIP!

Outside of my inheritance which has all gone thanks to the public services seeing a chance to save even more money .. everything else I have tried has never worked out. Just look through this blog and it goes back six years .. but then that was what I had intended. Because I thought many things prior to starting my blogs and one was that nothing ever works out. Despite the number of charities and help groups out there .. when you go to them nothing gets done either. You just get fobbed off or have these obstacles put in your place they expect you to dance around. Often even the first thing you see on their websites is a plea for people to donate money.

Then you get to the stage that you want to curl up and die and it takes all your will power just to get to the fucking lavatory and then they want you to go her and go there .. which just ends up with the same results as al the others .. so why bother? Done all that before .. gets you nowhere.

Of course I have also believed that there would be powers that would try to thwart me and .. well that certainly seems to be the case.

I even had someone who contacted me via a dating site .. who turned out to have .. gone through the interview process for MI5, sent me a picture of a GCHQ Puzzle Book, Cosmos book (I own the DVD set), Hawking’s a Brief History of Time (I also own), Sky At Night Magazines, quantum mechanic books and .. one with a cover having Schroedinger’s Cat on it and Advanced Mathematics. Oh and one on biological warfare some thought might have been a threat? It has been well known for years, even my third girlfriend knew this one twenty years ago, that I was into redheads. Take a guess at the hair colour of this woman? Red. Oh and she also deleted her account a little after giving me her phone number.

Now what does that all sound like to you?

I have referred to this before but I did not say too much about it because I was probably never going to be sure and it could have been a trap. I publish the recordings and her photo and .. well .. they could never be proved to be of a clandestine organisation .. masquerade as a private individual and I could have had my blog shut down. Yeah I was onto that one pretty early but then I would never have published until I was sure and that was unlikely to ever happen anyway.

That reminds me .. I have to get the recordings of her off my phone and onto another computer .. for someone else to publish at a later date.

In fact I suppose I am going to have to think up other things I need to do other than the ones I have already done?! I need to start making a list out.

Well it looks like they will get their wish. I have had enough of all this and .. it will take time but I am not playing this game any more. There will be the odd post but in time .. or maybe sooner if I get the guts .. or something sets me off to do it, this will be ending before very long.

I tried cutting my wrists again but its just too damn difficult. Probably because I am doing that too slowly? I am coming around to thinking that it has to be a quick hard action?

Anyway .. there may be the odd post .. and I will continue to link stories in here but there are likely to be larger .. gaps between some posts.

I am going to lose energy, no doubt, so that will be problematic along the way.

I may end up in this .. refuge centre .. I am just unsure about that right now.

I cannot stop the pain and the pain is too great. Just in my own personal life ..

.. then there are the things I am going to have to endure watching before long .. my daughter’s cervical cancer, Fibromyalgia and blood clot, missed, ignored and fecked up .. in that order. Added to this is severe Autism being ignored in one granddaughter, severe seizures being ignored in another granddaughter. All under an area where the healthcare is already, or has previously been, listed as inadequate they are now seriously trying to cover up.

DEATH BY JOBSWORTH

Well I have been trying to get this one done for a few days now. But I have a sunny day coming up, sorry sounds odd but it is my way of trying to avoid what this post is primarily about.

Anyway .. mystery person seems to have been deleted .. on a side note. That is as far as that goes unless I hear something in the next four weeks.

So? Yeah I have wanted to cover this for a few days now when I found out that someone committed suicide. Turns out after hearing about this there was a lot more to it.

A bridge not far from where my flat is has has a spate of people throwing themselves off it. One idiot reports in a tabloid that a man ‘fell’?! Yeah .. from a flyover that goes over a motorway. That was the second shock I got out of the report .. of three. Turns out there have been quite a few and that got me thinking ..

.. if this has happened this many times on this one .. bridge .. how many people have committed suicide across the entire UK ..

.. there are a hell of a lot of bridges and even more in the way of flyovers on motorways and even non-motorways. ‘A’ Roads and such?

I think someone is doing a hell of a lot of hiding of facts while others are performing a hell of a lot of evasive manoeuvres?!

You might be asking yourself what the third shocking fact is about this latest suicide? My grandson was coming along and was in a car with my, evil, ex when the man fell. So much so that the Police visited their home to get statements.

All I could think of was whether or not my grandson had seen anything awful and hoped that he had not or was not enough to haunt or affect him! Evil ex? Could not care less!

Ooh .. why do so many people get that saying wrong on the Internet and especially on YouTube? ‘I could NOT care less’ is what it is but people type ‘I could care less’ every SINGLE time I see it used and I think ‘DUMMY! If you COULD care less then you are obviously caring! If you COULD NOT care less than you don’t actually give a shit!’

Jesus .. the ones that come across as the smartest in the room that get these kinds of old phrases back to front like this?!

First off a BBC report ..

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/7098357.stm

The following man talked about killing himself a few hours before he did it?! Fucking .. un .. believable and I am sad to say that .. I am simply not surprised ..

https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/wirral-man-talked-killing-himself-13682939

I have had this myself .. just cast aside time after time after time and I have known for some years that there have been a lot of people died because of this .. because it is designed that way and in my view ..

Death By Public Servant!

The man who .. ‘fell’ .. yeah he was just strolling over a bridge and failed to see those banana skins tossed aside from the escaped group of Colobus Monkeys from Chester Zoo!

https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/man-who-fell-m53-bridge-13757011

Death By Civil Servant?

One that was talked down by the Police and did not die .. at least that day because no public service is actually interested in helping anyone any more .. even vulnerable children which begs the question .. why are you still paying their wages?!

https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/man-threatening-jump-m53-motorway-11462936

Another one who .. fell .. bearing in mind the two murders that I know about that took place within less than six months and possibly more than two?!

http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/8156144.Wirral_man_dies_after_falling_from_bridge/

How about .. detained? Well .. jumping form a motorway flyover will most likely cause injury or even death to others .. not something I would do. Ever ..

Unless I know Theresa May, George Osborne, David Cameron or Iain Duncan-Smith was coming along and was confident I could tine things just right?

I might save my family? Might?

http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/14616337.UPDATE__Man_detained_after_threatening_to_jump_from_bridge_at_Birkenhead_Park_station/

Actually I am not so sure these are all the same bridge now .. but they are very close to each other or I pictured the wrong bridge?!

http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/9854499.Police_talk_down_man_threatening_to_jump_from_Bidston_bridge/

M53 Motorway yet again that is not that long .. runs from Chester to Birkenhead ..

http://www.deeside.com/m53-closed-due-serious-police-incident/

Some poor woman too ..

http://www.wirralglobe.co.uk/news/14671895.woman-in-critical-condition-after-jumping-from-m53-bridge/

Well I said it must be happening on other bridges and here is one in Flintshire ..

https://www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-wales-news/fears-man-jumped-flintshire-bridge-10709367

Do not kill anyone’s pets either! They may have lost a loved one .. may be sufferers of mental health .. but then, hey? They do not give a shot about anyone anyway .. as long as they are getting paid. Except they are paid and tasked to give a shit, help, support and many other things on their jobs and it is in their job descriptions and their .. OATHS!

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/man-threatened-hang-himself-bridge-6724434

This following link is just one, proof here as well as my own, of one way they are deliberately killing people .. so mass murder or serial killing, known as culling by some ..

http://metro.co.uk/2016/12/29/jobcentre-secretly-told-dying-mans-gp-to-stop-giving-him-sick-notes-6349168/

Of course they think no one is talking about this ..

https://dwpexamination.org/forum/the-governments-agenda/death-by-government/page-6/

They would have the fucking cheek to claim that a revolution was illegal .. when it is clear that successive governments and let us be honest .. both of only two parties that will ever get elected into power, have been up to this?!

Is there not a constitution? Is there nothing along these lines contained within said constitution?

Ooh boy .. have I just been told something .. bizarre .. sad and unfortunate but .. bizarre ..

NIGHT OF TORMENTS

Things are not .. good.

I have been inside this tiny room for twenty four hours and last night .. well it just was not a good night.

I felt out of it all day along with feeling down and as the day and night went on the further down I went. I also did not sleep so I kept going down and in the end you reach that inevitable point. It is odd because I was having something that is not the same as what I call anxiety. Panic attacks maybe? But it was enough to get to that point you always seem to get to .. when yo want it to just end.

I had thoughts about it ending .. but .. hurting someone else is always the thing that is the forefront of my mind.

But I kept thinking that there had to be a limit? Surely you can only endure so much before something else .. gives way? Maybe ones sanity? I would not like that but .. I have to think that maybe losing one’s sanity in times like these is the minds self-defence to the pain?

I tossed and turned until around 6am ish and added to this I kept needing to use the lavatory and .. I must have used it around six or seven times between 11pm and 7am? I started to wonder if I had prostrate cancer and wondered if I would actually care if I did?

You have times in your life when good things happen and you are supposed to cling onto these things and remember these things. Except the only good thing that ever happened to me has had a life more miserable than mine and being put through a living hell. They also have a question mark over their own life as well as ones over their own children. They also have no one other than me to rely on and I have not been great, though not for the lack of trying. Despite my many .. handicaps I have tried to ignore them and this is why I am paying right now. Because I moved and I tried and am even still willing to do it. Unfortunately and like almost everything else in life this cannot be done for free and nor can it be done without help and support. We have none of those three things right now.

I am also not .. being offered help in any way shape or form and it is almost like now that I am here the problem is solved. No .. it is not. I mist admit I thought it would be for the most part. I thought I would be a lot calmer but .. I am not.

My chest felt like it was caving in on itself last night and all through the night and almost up until midday.

God, I get so tired of feeling like this.

I have no energy to do anything and the very thought of trying to do any of the things I need to do just .. makes me want to curl up and die and .. I do not know why. Well I do know why, I just do not understand why one’s own body can work so hard against itself. That goes double for one’s mind too and it is here it is the most confusing. I am consciously wondering using a portion of my mind how another part of my mind is working against itself.

Others do not understand it and it has been suggested to me by someone that does not want to hear about people’s ailments that I ‘eat healthier’. It is frustrating when people make statements like this. It is a lack of restorative sleep that causes my issues, well almost all of them, and that in turn obviously causes chemical unbalance in the brain. That is a chemical unbalance and the only drug is not allowed and this means it would be just as ludicrous to suggest healthy eating could cure or keep down the symptoms of many other things. Health conditions that no one in their right mind would suggest a healthy diet could alter in any way, shape or form.

The house I am in and those that I am staying with do indeed compound my issues and exacerbate my symptoms. I did know they would all be difficult, all three of them, but I had no idea how much so. One is always a pain and always has been the exact same pain while with another it became immediate within a few days things are worse than they used to be. Seeking attention over anything and now with a mild health condition that they claim is worse than terminal illnesses yu cannot say five words without hearing the word ‘epilepsy’ bought up. Well no five words with anything to do with any symptoms that is for sure and they then just want to talk about this one single symptom. One that I have long since been having among many dozens of others. Then I have had someone else gets a bit frustrated when I am on the phone to my daughter. I have told them how serious things are but .. they have still gotten frustrated on one occasion.

Yeah .. so when things get down .. I do not want to do anything, go anywhere and nor do I even want to venture outside the door of the room I am staying in. Which is, I might add, a matchbox.

I will never figure out in a million years what possessed them to design these houses, the two tiny rooms and the absolutely tiny car park. In fact it is safe to say that the very design of this estate is compounding my issues.

Why is it s hard when you have these feelings of suicide?

I will be getting low on pills before long too and the thought of even going to a local GP is driving me insane.

If you cannot do it alone and you cannot get help and you cannot abide living this way .. then what choices are left to you when your feeling like this?

This country really has done a whole series of numbers in its own people that I am sure the historians of the future are going to have a field day with.

Added to all of this is the intense back pain and all the muscles in my legs aching like crazy on and off .. something that the magnesium I have been taking in the vitamin pills seem to be wearing off when it comes to keeping these aches away. That in itself is somewhat .. worrying.

No .. things are not good right now and they went from bad to OK to bad to looking good to OK and now back to really bad. In just five damn weeks or so.

THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I’ve had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn’t a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn’t know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn’t good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn’t believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I’ve also been in a whole series of dark places I’m trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it’s always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I’m only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don’t own and my car was here for two days .. I didn’t hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else’s problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she’s not interested in. One recipient has already said “If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!”

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn’t though and wasn’t bothered about it and still isn’t.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it’s complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn’t believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn’t know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I’m still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it’s still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I’ve also been contacting people since I’ve been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don’t care .. and that we don’t care.

Because she doesn’t see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven’t told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won’t get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that’s actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it’s called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren’t interested in looking it up and because it doesn’t mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn’t exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don’t because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it’s because .. she doesn’t ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn’t ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. “You do know about *****, don’t you?” and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ’s sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said “I don’t care about the law and you don’t take no notice if it either!”

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me ..

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven’t got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.