THE EMPATHETIC LONER

Wow.

This .. video was .. unexpected.

I saw the title to this and I was .. intrigued and wanted to see what it said. About loners.

I’ve been a longer for a fair old while and I’ve struggled to understand more of myself in all that time.

• Why I feel the things I do.
• Why I do the things I do.
• Why I know the things I do.

Many of these were answered and I was quite surprised how much it got right. In fact the only thing I thought was wrong was then explained with the following trait. This was the thing about being calm.

But then I suppose I’ve had a lot more than most to contend with?

But it goes on to say that I slink away and try to .. recompose myself and come back a different person. This is actually quite true and not only had this occurred several times .. but it’s been noticed by others too.

Right now I’m trying to find my way out of something .. again. Except my hands are tied and I really do not like having my hands tied.

My hands won’t get untied until mid May, around four weeks time. Hopefully.

There are other possibilities in the works but they don’t exactly fill me with confidence. Not right now they don’t .. despite a contract being signed. There’s been a very noticeable drop off in activity .. communication and all promises .. predictions made have failed to .. occur. In fact one was made recently .. and all because they have no idea how to use a fucking phone we lost out to a deadline.

So .. yeah .. hands are tied and .. it’s having a negative effect. No that’s the understatement of my life as it’s a living nightmare that’s already lasted four weeks longer than I predicted. Or planned for.

This is because I got a situation wrong that was also getting beyond my control partly caused by my health condition. No. Mostly caused by my health condition and the web of lies by a .. liar.

So .. I have the option to do something .. at least I think but .. I could get bogged down for six months and cost a lot of .. money. Again.

I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be our how I will be there .. or .. exist in my next location. There are, in fact, four possible locations I could end up in. Yes it’s that mad. Two of them are around ten miles from here and the other two two hundred miles from here. Yup .. told you it was mad.

I’m also being picked on and bullied. Funny .. because I never thought of it as bullying before but someone else used the term and I realised this is what they do. Along with the bullying there is also the lecturing, about stupid insignificant things, and some .. bizarre behaviour. It’s .. driving me to insanity.

It’s so frustrating when you both need and want to do something at the same time and you can’t.

So this video .. made a lot of sense. Much more than I expected it to of in honest. I’m wondering if I should look into this a little more?

No shrink or counsellor has stated any of these things to me.

Yeah I can put things away in a box and buy them but .. not when several of them are screwing up your life currently.

So I appear to be empathetic and I guess this blog kind of proves that .. my drive to help people .. well those deserving of help at any rate.

I am in contact .. well .. on and off I am in contact with someone and I am expecting to have a .. proposition put my way. I do not know if I ever will or if I ever will talk about it. Depends on what that proposition turns out to be.

All these public services have a hell of a lot to answer for.

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A SPECIAL SOMEONE

I sent a message and a request in Facebook..

If someone is reading this as they were a few weeks ago they should .. check out their Facebook page.

I did it last Friday but as I understand it .. circumstances might have kept them .. away?

Something they might have been hoping for was already .. possible but .. well you need to check your page. Lol.

THE TEN BELLS

Now let us see here .. anyone know what the title means?

If you do .. I ended up there today and I was not expecting to. You would think as a Londoner I might have visited these places before. I have not though I know the general area and I knew another place with another name. In Mile End Road. Or so I used to believe.

If you are not familiar with the name of the title .. it is a pub in Commercial Street where two of Jack the Ripper’s victims used to hang out.

I was in Whitechapel and Shoreditch .. basically where a section of my family came from in the East London area and not far from Brick Lane either.

These days I think I think the pub in Mile End Road was just a pub that was not far away from the area Jack the Ripper frequented and tried to cash in on this .. infamy.

From there I ended up in Brick Lane and even in a shop I had not been in for twenty years and I purchased a salt beef bagel with mustard and gherkins. Not as good a they used to be and far, far more expensive.

I was in the area with someone else and had gone several miles further then he said we was going .. ooh boy did that hurt. Like hell. My chest was aching and I had to pause several times on the return journey.

The pain helped .. despite it causing me to pause every now and then.

I have had trouble .. for getting something. Or more accurately .. forgetting someone. I have had this aching .. in an area I did not expect and it has become .. an issue for me. Something I did not expected now mixed up with all the other .. things. It is not a good combination.

Still I acquired a couple of thing that I needed .. that was why I went out. I invited someone else to come along for the walk but .. he wanted to go somewhere after I got what I needed. Only that area he stated I got mixed up with somewhere else and it was further than I thought it was.

Then it turned out that the further location I had gotten mixed up with was not the location I was told anyway and this third location was further still.

These things happen.

But I have been in a mood for .. self punishment. Of late.

However it seems this self-punishment is now for a similar thing in one case, bought about by someone else. In another it is .. umm how can I say .. someone I cannot get out of my head.

Though .. I wonder if this .. dogged stubbornness of my mind is actually helping with another .. pain in my arse?! Lol.

Ooh boy .. how did I end up in this mess?

Because I am an idiot and become more of an idiot when I have too much going on around me which just seems to cause lapses. Memory lapses.

Rushing and too many things at once causes me .. issues with my memory and getting important things done.

To give you an idea despite the freezing weather I actually got out with my camera yesterday to a place that surprised me as there is a small nature reserve near here. Actually spotted Reed Buntings there .. did not get any shots .. a wind started picking up and our hands started to become numb.

Thinking of using buses around the city with the body and some smaller lenses to get some architectural and artistic, or bokeh, type shots. Just get a load of shots of every interesting thing I can come across.

It would be a start.

Though really I need to do this on a Sunday .. when it will be real quiet and the city way less busy.

Annoyingly I do also need to go to a part where my solicitor is located .. but that has to be a weekday and .. well .. I cannot do rush hours and in London a rush hour is now wrongly names because it is way, way longer then an hour. It is way, way longer then two hours.

In fact in the afternoons you can expect it to be busy from anywhere around 3pm and if your unlucky up to 8pm, 9pm or even 10pm if there are any issues with trains or strikes on buses.

So the car in process of being sold .. form for application of new passport to stop the damn ID problem that has dogged me. An application for a new driver’s licence and .. a package to get to to the solicitor’s practice.

I am hoping that the solicitor can help with three other issues. One is my reference and previous deposit on a home of ten years problem. One is my current status and housing problem and lastly is the disability problem.

This then leaves one single solitary thing to sort out. My storage problem eating away at my cash-flow. I need to acquire a van and/or driver. Then go to my storage facility and start to throw things away .. to the local dump. Oh crap .. it will be a van so I might need a permit .. I forgot about that one!

Still I think I might get one or two things done this week and then one or two others done next week if I can focus and not kill myself in the meantime doing too much. By which I mean not aggravating the Fibromyalgia thing and causing too many flare ups?

After everything is done I should then .. be a couple of weeks down the road to selling the car and the courts viewing my medical records.

Once the car is sold, I am hoping that this would be in a couple of weeks, despite other plans being put into place .. I should be free to .. travel around to places much further afield.

Maybe revisiting recent places .. very recent places?

Sheesh! There will be a proximity problem. Well not so much of a problem .. well .. it is a problem .. sort of. Well it was more of an aching and .. it has been the same for weeks so I am kind of used to it. No I am lying I bloody hate it. Lol.

But then maybe I wont go and .. just do the things I need to from a distance?

A heart ache is still a heart ache .. a little concerned that the heart ache might

become stronger if back there with no anxiety?

I am fairly certain it will.

But then maybe by that time I might have figured out that I had been led up a garden path while up there and there is no point.

But I have been led to believe otherwise and as such .. I ache right down to the deepest fibres of my very being and .. long for something.

The trouble is this deep down longing has awoken when I thought it was also dead and gone and am certain that it will never occur in my current area because it did not for so long, so very, very long.

I do not think I can find someone to awaken those feelings the way that this person managed to achieve. But just being .. themselves. Just the mere sight of her or hearing her voice was enough to stir things deep within my soul.

The one night I was in close proximity I had been sent off to do a job for someone that was very obviously impossible. We had tried and tried but could not get this couch up a flight of stairs.

I had become dizzy and almost blacked out several times. Upon my return someone was inside the house and I just wanted to collapse onto the carpet and .. die .. or sleep for a very long time and was fighting to stay awake. To catch glimpses of someone and I caught the glimpse of a beautiful smile and a look I had not received for a very, very long time.

I cannot think of a better definition or more accurately an anecdote to describe being unlucky.

Only in this case I have been unlucky in a number of ways that are the worst possible and all at once too.

Hmm maybe being in the vicinity of Jack the Rippers hang outs was apt in my case? Well after all he did have this habit of ripping out organs.

I recently had my heart ripped out!

As for The Ten Bells? Yeah well I felt I had ten bells kicked out of me while having my heart ripped from my chest.

What a crock!

THE BRIEFEST OF GLIMPSES

There is something I never really talked about much.

While I was away I had the briefest of glimpses of something I’ve not experienced in a long, long time.

Perhaps it’s because it’s been a long, long time I was both surprised and .. it kind of hurts.

But then maybe it’s kind of what I deserve?

There was someone .. someone I very much like from the moment I set eyes on them and that had not happened in a long, long time.

I was there for other things .. or rather I had other responsibilities and I didn’t act on it.

Also .. after awhile I had assumed that this neighbour had a partner.

One night I was told that she, in fact, did not and that she had asked about me. I was .. dumbfounded .. shocked .. amazed. I didn’t really say much about it. I wanted to but I didn’t.

When I came away I did so knowing that I had felt things I had long thought dead. I have even written on here in the past that I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel certain things any longer.

As well as letting people down .. I also .. am .. a little .. heartbroken. It feels as though life has been cruel to me .. in the worst way.

So along with the guilt .. there is that briefest of glimpses.

I had thought about hanging on our even returning but .. there were things I couldn’t talk about.

Things were a mess as they was .. I couldn’t make it any more complicated than it was.

I suppose I was .. tipped over the edge, you might say. I may have been the victim of some sick game by someone or it was some sort of revenge?

I was kind of accused of being behind something that happened a long time ago. Yeah I was present when this thing occurred but it wasn’t me. Though this other person thought it was from what they said.

I wondered hard if this is why some things we said to me?

It matters not now .. if it was some ploy it had its effect.

There was also the .. danger of a follow up .. a promise of you prefer .. but that never came. I didn’t want it to but it never came all the same and this has made it look .. suspicious.

I suppose when I went to there I knew that there was this possibility. I even expected it at some point. But when it occurred, it occurred at the worst possible time.

Maybe they knew? About this other .. person? I have asked myself if they then decided to totally screw things up?

Since being back here people I know who are famous for having little sympathy have expressed how sorry they are. This was last night as I’m beavering around trying to repair the damage I’ve done to my own life.

I’m getting it done .. little by little and I figure out will take a month to dig my way out of this mess .. maybe a little longer?

At the exact same time I hope that things go well elsewhere! That element that has me getting guilty.

Though I’m not sad about being away from the meddling element .. that could have got me with some revenge .. plot.

Yeah well if they did .. they did it extremely well, let me tell you.

At least I don’t have to look at any more open mouthed faces down here.

I’ve had the offers of possibilities of living in Braintree and Gravesend, Essex and Kent respectively.

Yeah .. I might hold on to see what else transpires.

My time in the North actually hurt in more ways than one.

Maybe one day I might feel glad that I was reminded of feelings I long thought lost?

Or maybe I will just spend years hurting over it?

Ooh boy .. what a right royal mess I managed to get myself into.

Meanwhile being back is weird .. too busy! But then where I am is pretty central and temporary.

Maybe my disability solicitor will have some ideas when I hear from her?

I am currently council-less you might say? Well .. sort of. Or probably will be .. once I’ve ultimately decided .. which will happen when I’ve done the things I’ve needed to do ..

Two of which get done .. tomorrow which then involves a .. wait. And then a sale ..

Though a friend is interested in buying my car .. I’m not expecting him to take the plunge.

At least now it won’t get scratched, trashed, have the tyres let down or sabotaged and I can get something far less .. conspicuous.

The words ‘mitigating’ and ‘extenuating’ spring to mind throughout this whole damn thing.

As we stated to me just last night ‘It’s a real shame and I’m so sorry’.

Many never thought I’d stay there long, morons, but we’re not surprised at all at the reasons I returned when I did ..

“Christ .. how the hell do you decide what to believe in all that?!”

Some reminders from people that were around twenty years ago saying be careful about who you listen to.

I could exact my revenge by revealing it all but ..

A moot point now, is it not?

Explaining that you were .. ‘helped’ away by someone would not change a damn thing and I certainly did not want to make the situation any worse than I had left it.

It is funny as I was accused at one point of seeing attention .. I got accused of a lot of things. I simply did not answer .. did not even point out that I get zero attention and never have had any attention. I mean to say outside of a page of numbers showing me how many people have read what posts and I very rarely scroll down to older posts .. not much more than a week or two when I do .. if that?

I did have attention .. or thought or was told I was getting attention and I ran away from it.

THE DAYS AHEAD

I’m not really sure about these coming days.

I feel like I’m in a prison. Trapped.

I’d give anything to have someone here, someone totally familiar it even understanding for the next week.

I had the option to pull the plug today .. but I didn’t. Because of money and the damned Job Centre. I feel like I’ve got to go to my meeting and explain that I’m going home and just show them why. That is something I can do.

But it’s this lonely prison. My own thoughts and the thoughts that things might go wrong in the meantime.

Fight and flight .. that bloody idiot trying to lecture me on something I know about .. but not quite well enough it seems?

No TV signal either. Only a DAB Radio where I’m listening to a station that woke me up in the mornings back in Enfield.

Yesterday morning it was very odd as I was reminded of this by hearing the voice of Frank Skinner! I was so used to hearing him Saturday mornings back home.

Today I’m back to the reality of the living hell in a prison and nowhere I can go. 

It really is the worst time of the year too be going through this .. cold in here .. very cold. But putting heating on most of the time to not use any more money.

At least I ate yesterday .. but I’m not going to be eating very much during the next week. I just don’t want to eat .. except yesterday at the hospital and I was given a cheese and ham sandwich and a cup of tea by two very nice ladies.

Hmm .. can’t even make a tea here, never got around to getting a kettle.

Boy oh boy .. of all the times I’ve felt bad and suicidal this has to be the worst.

When I think of the times I had been like this in London and didn’t want to go out I find it .. in a funny way laughable now.

I’d give anything to be able to go out in familiar surroundings .. visit people.

Though to be honest .. some of those people I’m not quite so sure I would want to visit.

They are these ones that instead of saying they are sorry it didn’t work out, though one has he then, they rub your nose in it that they were right!

Two family members said .. “Oh?! This wasn’t a good time to say something like that!” Yup.

A shame too as he could have come up and helped? Maybe? I doubt he would though.

Then, if and when I get back I’ve got to radically rethink my life. I can’t go back to the life I had, or at least some of it. I have to change things. Radically.

I’ve also emailed a few organisations about the situation.

That’s why I decided to stay longer .. or at least another reason. To allow people and organisations to try and prepare. Space for my stuff, couple things from storage, like my bike and computer!

I’d give anything to ride my bike again!!

Oh boy what a hell I managed to create for myself. I really hate this damned condition.

It’s not upset so many people it doesn’t bare thinking about.

I had so many plans to help me achieve what I wanted and nothing worked out ..

Me as a carer ..

Me on New Enterprise Allowance ..

Me on Working Tax Credits ..

The Google AdSense Advertising which keeps disappearing over the course of the last year ..

The Patreon account ..

The two Crowd Funding accounts ..

Hoping to get part time work .. did look and even emailed Chester Zoo but no reply lol ..

Maybe even getting my books published?!

There was something else but it’s slipped my mind. Oh .. I know! Forgetting the £35,000 that was robbed from each of us .. there was that extra £3,000 or more I thought I’d get. But turned out to be £800!

None of that panned out while I kept discovering more mistakes I had made. I had made. No one else made but me. Well .. due to my condition.

I have to return to get rid, or rather sell, my car. I had no choice in that when I realised three days ago that I didn’t have the logbook. Had I realised 6 weeks ago I could have done something about it.

This came far too late in the day .. I was preoccupied with other things .. responsibilities of you will that just caused me to forget or not check soo many things. Again that’s my fault .. I didn’t figure in just how many fuck ups were possible for me to make.

I made a shed load of fuck ups and ignored things and signs.

I don’t know how I’m going to get back and back on my feet?

But once I’m back I’ll be a lot better at it and have the time, energy and people and places to do something about it.

I can’t do that here and I can’t lose what I have or I’ll be financially broken for all but a single tool I’ve wanted and needed for so long.

This Fibromyalgia really can end up being the condition me in hell itself with just one other condition I’ve ever heard of being worse. 

Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome.

I wish it was I that had cancer! Or wish that my heart would just fail in the night.

If you have Fibromyalgia I implore you not to rush into anything ..

I rushed coming up here and I made a shed load of mistakes in doing so and kept making more.

This stressed me out and I became less and less of a help.

THAT CHRISTMAS PART TWO

Mayhem.

Well to me.

I have some pictures of the kids .. well the backs of their heads as they walked into the living room and see their presents. Half of which I did not expect to work out of the box and the other half not working by the end of the day.

It has come close on both occasions and not quite through the day just yet.

It is about to be vacuumed in here for the third time today already and we still have a couple hours to go yet.

It was funny at one point when the grandmother and my ex, and great grandmother came with their presents. I had vacuumed .. I think? Maybe it was after she left? Cannot recall as per normal.

Just been told someone is getting in the bath because they are tired. I am not surprised in the least.

It was good seeing the kids excited but .. there is so much work .. on yeah?

So the grandmother was around and was picking things up off the floor ad she said “God, I am glad I don’t have to do this anymore!”

I thought to myself “My God, you have been in here 5 minutes, complaining about the state of the floor .. stating that your glad you do not have to do it anymore and I have been here for getting on for three months, heart and chest issues and now one hell of a anxiety ride to boot!”

They handed me a load of toys to unpack and get working when I am stressed out and tired beyond belief, having anxiety attacks and .. still have this damn Aussie flu virus. That was the second time I had been handed stuff. Some robotic toys were bought from Home & Bargains I told them not to bother with because they will be fiddly, complicated and probably wont work. I had already put together a few things when I got lumbered with that one. Prior to the grandmother arriving. One that the council now does not trust. Which is why I came .. because of someone else as per usual and so often happened in the past.

An end grommit to a shaft for a motor would not fit out of the dozes of pieces that it contained within the confines of its box. During trying to figure this out I was then asked to perform two or three other tasks by the same boy I was trying to do this for. It was insane and there are three other children!

Oh god .. I have just been given another one and this one is a car where the first one was a windmill and I think my brain is going to melt, I really, really do.

I spent all day putting on a brave face but due to the anxiety and chest issues playing up and this damned flu I just kept telling myself .. I cannot do this!

I might have to return by the end of January of things do not pick up, up here in the financial part as I am just haemorrhaging money, more slowly than before but still haemorrhaging money.

I just cannot keep it together and I cannot even retreat to my flat and even if I could .. the anxiety now would just drive me insane.

I am feeling guilty because I do not think I am being a help here any longer and the help they need from me is simply not there anymore. My finances .. yes I could sell my car but if I do that I would end up stranded here and not know how in the hell to get back to London.

It is nowhere near how I pictured it would be and I am going to have to tell them that I feel inadequate .. tired and finding keeping on top of my own health a problem.

This business with the cancer scare just seems to drag on and on as does the business with the children being diagnosed. Well life and health issues do not put themselves on hold until public services sort themselves out and nor do they start when the public services say that they start.

Of course there were fights .. but I am told that is how it is.

I am .. stuck when someone says that because I just do not know. Though I did have younger brothers and a sister and I do not recall it being like this. I had friends with children and do not recall seeing or hearing any stories of it being quite like this.

Never heard of a living room that had to be vacuumed three times in one day either.

Maybe I am just not used to it? Maybe I am just getting old?

Maybe I am breaking the rules of my own health condition when it states that I should not be over doing it? I am also not getting light exercise as my bike is back in London?

Maybe it is a combination of some or all of the above?

Added to this is this damned flu which has hung on and hung on. I am not missing those hospital appointments .. of that I am decided. I have been messed about for far too long about things that should have been checked over a year ago. There is an argument that maybe it should have been long before even that?

The difficulty with he children was not expected and as I stated it has gotten worse since I have been here.

But despite the fact I have thought about going home a great deal .. I always feel guilty about it. But I have tried to get help in all manner of ways but it just has not started to happen.

I figure that if it has not shown any sign of anything positive happening by the end of January then it never will. In which case instead of waiting until it is too late and having to require someone else’s help I should plan my return. There will only be a couple of months left on my tenancy anyway by the end of January. I had been told that the landlord had found someone interested in the flat anyway .. bloody typical as I had been told it had been empty with no interest in renting or buying t in six months .. as soon as I am there .. in a matter of a few weeks someone is supposed to show interest in the place?

This is an area where places can go empty for long periods of time, that much is true.

The cooker also id not work and a very nice neighbour, rather cute too, offered for us to use her oven to cook the turkey so there I was in the front garden .. trying to get a defiant autistic two year old to stay in the house while just cooked and piping hot food was passed over to me a but at a time and I ferried it to the dining room. The turkey itself, pork jackets, sausage jackets, flak jackets or whatever they are called along with some roast potatoes and parsnips.

Ooh I must upload the pictures from my phone and upload them to my crowd funding.

Was thinking that maybe every one doubted the validity of the crowd funding campaigns .. what with their being no pictures of children .. or only an old one on one of the campaigns? Stick one or two on for a month and see how that goes?

As for the myriad of presents .. yeah all cash converter and CEX stuff .. well a couple along with some naff things from Home & Bargains. One I could not get to work.

A few people will be gutted if I tell them I plan to return or am just thinking about it.

I am just really suffering, worrying about my evaporating finances, lack of help, flu and .. feeling like a third and rusty wheel right now.

Maybe that will change in time?

Fibromyalgia really turns into a bitch and then you discover no one gives a crap about it .. though ..

.. I was shocked to see that Lady Gaga had it and talked about it in her video Five Foot Two. He exact words were ..

“I do not know how anyone copes with this who has no money”

It was on Netflix .. my daughter put it on.

I must get back to my flat for a night or two and hope that the anxiety does not go wild on me like it did the last tie I tried to do that?

THE LONELY HOUR

Of all the oddest things to hear spoken about in the news media one I never thought I would ever hear is that of loneliness.

Especially being named as a health problem and hearing the word ‘death’ used.

Loneliness is the strangest of topics and yet as the years have gone by I have cine to realise it’s one of the easiest things to put rhyme and reason to. This does not provide answers, only the causes.

I have sat and watched people for decades and still do today get drawn back into their own worlds and away from others. This normally starts out with friends or more correctly, loose acquaintances before affecting closer friends and eventually family members.

To me this appears to be the same issue that dogs most of the world as far as it’s leaders are concerned. It comes down to us falling back on the one dark area of us all we try to pretend, or just shore an outward appearance, of being far removed from.

Us behaving like animals.

We gravitate towards the things that interest us most. As you get closer you inevitably become more focused on this. As we direct more of our focus towards these things it therefore is easy to understand that other things will lose our focus.

We only seen to be able to take on so many things in our lives.

This is compounded by the fact that we are expected to take on mid and more work and responsibility while others, like public services fur example, shed off more and more info our shoulders.

If we go back several decades to when our parents were young or better still our grandparents there was far less to deal with. All you have to do to see this is to compare the number of bills someone in the 1960’s would have to pay to that of today.

The one bill that everyone today would likely have that never existed a few decades back is, of course, that of the mobile phone.

If I then turn to one other thing that was not around a few decades back this one thing alone not only has it’s own bill but to that are connected many other bills that could run into a dozen for some people.

The Internet.

Companies use crap packaging because it’s cheap and the general public are now meant to not just post for this but use our own time, therefore less of theirs, to divide it up for those paid to take it away.

The list can go on and on and on.

For me … well I’m a little different and I have a long list of interests with many in sciences, martial arts, cycling, nature and would love to travel more. I also like a few of the typically seen as ‘male’ interests too. Making myself different further I am interested in areas, especially technical or at least would be, in other things. In other words if I dated someone who was a meteorologist, volcanologist, marine biologist or one other in another long list I would show an above average interest in what they do.

Yet along with one other thing I should have been doing, or at least had, over the years I have been without it. These two are linked, despite the fact I have deliberately not stated the other, in a peculiar way.

I have, regardless of people regarding themselves with more intelligence than they deserve, been single for over 13 years … I think … at last count … and I can’t remember when I last counted! Lol.

It is for this reason, at least in part, that I have learned everything I have done about corruption, acquired all that I have and published soon that I have. I have been aware of this for a fair old while.

But now they are speaking about loneliness in the media? Not sure why the word ‘death’ was mentioned.

I can’t imagine myself being anything other than alone. I also wonder what others will think about if they hear of the topic in the media? Likely not very much.

In recent times I’ve been glaringly aware that my conversation has not been welcomed because before long I’d be doing and acquiring many things they used to have or dreamed about. So much so that it became obvious with some that they didn’t want it to happen. This topic was even brought up with one person and he said this was natural human behaviour. Of course I had no doubt this would happen online with some people. People would simply refuse to believe what I was saying and all that I was doing and had done. This is why I spent several years gathering as much evidence as I had.

I still one that people would be resistant to believing to the point of absurdity and even being rude and insulting. This means nothing to me and will only serve to be self destructive.

Very recently there was world war three in my world and I stood on the bylines despite being in the front row.

Yesterday I found out that something was said and that something rather big and surprising had happened.

“I didn’t realise and cannot believe how much Martin had changed” was said between at least two members of my family.

Someone else then said “I think Martin changed a long time ago!”

Only a few weeks back it was Theory City among these family members and like always the winds whisper gently in my ear. Though not as much as they used to judging from some of the things I got to hear lately.

I had also been praised repeatedly by someone who normally does the exact opposite. Because I helped him, or rather his son in a situation that got completely out of hand.

Who said this to me?

The other person in the world war three scenario.

The other thing they realised over that ever so short and significant period in time is that I was not in the mood they was expecting. Not even within a million miles of that mood.

In trying to get through to people now eager to hear what I know, what I do and how I am like I am today I told them the how’s and the why’s buy told them I was not going to pretend it was easy. I explained it’s not something you can do overnight. Or two dozen nights for that matter.

I also realised that the real culprit, who I had singled out in my mind only before world war three even ended, was trying to close ranks and divert suspicion. Because I had deliberately asked them a question I already knew the answer to and I told this warring side about this. They were initially dismissive when I mentioned it before. Not any longer and I told her that you can’t see clearly when your like that.

I also told both of them that the one that overreacts first … LOSES. The one that remains calm in any conflict will win, by default or otherwise.

I think they left realising I had changed more than even they had previously realised.

This was one faction that I knew would be a headache because of the fact I had not gone on the traveling I was supposed to. The traveling plans I had alluded to on here since last April, 2015.

Rather surprisingly I completely defused a situation, well as much as was possible, and in the process showed a whole bunch of people enough to stop and take notice.

A shame I cannot do this with everyone. Still, it’s a start that I didn’t expect to reach until later in 2016. Much later in 2016.

The other problem factor, well in my own continuing endeavours, may have been sorted out too, thigh there will still be others. One with their own theory that I quite calmly blew into pieces. Not realising I had he said “… but not lately …” to which I said “Umm, yeah … lately. I just decided not to talk about it”

This not only told him his theory was dead in the water but that maybe I can read faces and body language as well as I say I do and van yell what people are saying when I’m absent, like I I say I do?

Hopefully.

But I can’t imagine myself being that lucky twice in a matter of days and over the time I thought would be the hardest of all and had wondered if I would get through in one piece?

A couple of weeks could, of course, see us all back at the beginning.

Why do these troubles plague, dog and bother them and therefore me?

Well they have too many things going on in their lives and too much stress and pressure.

I’ve had nightmares like this in spades and for over two decades, three even but I spent 8 months, thanks to idiot court judges, on the precipice of ending all my issues quite literally overnight.

As it turned out no one wanted to hear that.

So if you won the lottery you might want to think carefully before telling anyone!

Someone told me that this was good everyone is. I asked him for an example of me being like this. He couldn’t think of a single time, to his surprise.

But I’ve gone a long time with very little. I have more reason that anyone that I know or ever met to act this way. But I don’t.

So being single … well … it’s not easy and its been a long time, I won’t deny that. But I didn’t allow ask that time to be wasted. I wanted to do some very big things and knew I was capable.

I’ve been busy buying some things, not air quickly enough but better late than never, now that my money is my own again.

I’ll spend the next month buying some things.

The plan was to buy an Astell & Kern music player but I’ve decided that desire his much I want one it is something that will not be that productive. Well … beyond doing a video and blog review of it though followed by new headphones.

As I stated, I’ve decided not to do that. Instead I’ve decided to go for some gadgets, five thus far with two electrical, that will make those unproductive periods far more productive.

I have my eyes on at least three more electrical items and several other accessory items. Then in about a months time I can get around to putting these at work.

Plus an unrelated item also electrical linked to something else in the house I will start work on, rearrange and start providing videos of.

That’s two completely new branches, subject material, for me to include to help boost everything and hopefully the wildlife area will be productive this year where it was crap, due to weather, last year?

How do you deal with the loneliness? Keep busy doing something you enjoy, even playing video games, lol.

These days and for me it cannot be just this thing or that thing and has to be many things.

The other option is to find people or a potential partner where the attraction guess beyond looks alone, something very few I know do. I only want someone with intelligence, a spark and with interests that along with mine, complement each other’s.

Maybe people should learn to switch off and tell those ravenous wolves to feck off and concentrate on your personal and social life.

Ignoring the absolute cocks you get online who like to be nasty, abusive, sarcastic and without any intelligence at all who think themselves far smarter than they are and hide behind their monitors under a false name in their bedrooms, of course! *sharp intake of breath*

These people only take up natural resources of this planet they thoroughly don’t deserve. Or just haven’t grown up. Worst still, won’t ever grow up.

Oh and then there are the evil ones, one of those I attack on here, that feel like they have to for something, equally as stupid, in an attempt to make an honest person look like a liar.

It’s quite funny really as I imagined the first few years to be rife with wars of words, that wouldn’t last long I assure you, with morons of one of the above two groups.

I have … something … I think it is close to that? I’m not really sure, lol. Something about idiot blog writers … somewhere. Not sure if they was saying I was or it was someone that thinks blog writers are idiots but I got their attention? Lol.

I’m not your average blog writer mainly because I’m not your average idiot. I’m an exceptional idiot!

Oh and I forgot I did manage to see Star Wars The Force Awakens within all of the other shenanigans.

Well … it was kinda OK. Bit weird as I was not that interested, then saw the trailer a few weeks back and was sold. But it was not as good as I was expecting.

Ended like that which I hated Empire Strikes Back for, end of part one crap. Kylo Ren, the antagonist or one of, turned out to be an average boyish looking spotty teenager and the voice was over saturated in the trailer to make him sound more menacing than he was in the film.

My friend laughed and said afterwards “Did you fall asleep?!” and I said I nearly did twice and that’s never happened before on even watching Sandra Bullock’s The Net years ago. That was the first time I felt as if I was mugged going into the building to the point I might take some pepper spray next time.

How tens of millions of pounds hey spent on a film that ends up garbage is beyond me. I don’t normally take notice of what others say but luckily enough was said about Fantastic Four, or Fant Four Stick, for me to save my money. Lol.

Unlike the aforementioned travesty I will buy Star Wars The Force Awakens when it comes out. Don’t read too much into my falling asleep add I do have a sleep disorder. Lol. Still … if it was gripping from beginning to end, which I thought it would be, I wouldn’t get closer to falling asleep.

I will be in the cinema in March and guarantee you I doubt I will even blink, let alone fall asleep. That would be Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice!

I am beginning to believe this may happen with the new X-Men Apocalypse movie too! Doctor Strange too?!

Well let’s hope every time I go to the cinema, which looks to be a lot through 2016, I don’t ever feel I’m going to fall asleep, not even once!

So yeah … Star Wars is OK. I don’t think JJ Abrahams did a good a job with Star Wars as he did Star Trek. But it’s good, just a bit slow in places and I did feel the trailer showed at least most of the best bits. Though there was one nice surprise near the end.

My estimation on who Kylo Ren was, was a little … out. Only a little, mind you. Glad it wasn’t the character I feared it would be, that might have destroyed the while movie for me. Lol!

In fact I thought my friend was mad because he had already seen it and said it was OK. He did day it was better the second time around. I said that I had initially thought he was mad as everyone what raved about the movie but this time he was spot on. He rarely is. Lol.

Well he thought Wolverine Origins was the best X-Men movie based on Deapool, got excited when I told him he had hid own movie and watched the clips, seed the posters and hates it. In his words? Acting like a gay hero and dues not have those blades he had in Wolverne Origins … you can lead a horse to water.

No he is not and never was a comic reader and not familiar with Deadpool. I was a comic reader but not familiar with Deadpool but realise he was popular enough that I should take notice!

My mate? No Katana Swords out good hands … he’s out! Lol!

THE TRIALS OF BEING HUMAN

I am on a bus I’ve never been on before.

Going to a place I have only been to once and only briefly but thought about it a lot the last few years.

It’s the only thing I could think of to do.

I’m having a bad couple of days … something of an understatement I’m afraid.

I’m not going into this right now but will at a later date … except I don’t know when … which is kind of the problem … sort of.

Many of my usual destinations have been totally ruled out for today and the next couple of days. May possibly be longer than that. Again I’ll get to this later ..  umm I hope!

Oddly the place I’m going has a lot of … shops but I have no money presently to spend. Lmao!

I needed new scenery and the pitstop between bus routes seem to suggest this may help?

I’ve found myself in a very unusual hole and it’s one I simply never foresaw. I suspected something like it which would have occurred in five days time but not this and not now.

To say the wind has been blown out of my sails simply would not do it justice.

I’m both depressed and furious in a manner of speaking but it’s the former and not the latter that has been winning that war.

I’ve questioned my faith in human nature a fair deal in the last few days.

I’ve also questioned if posting on these blogs is a good idea any longer? I won’t know the answer to that for awhile either.

I have 48 hours more of this and my phone is playing up doing this as usual but with a new trick of making the keyboard disappear every couple of minutes, like then, for no reason!

My other phone had been running apps on its own and tried to buy music or something couple days back!

Weird, annoying and worrying times indeed.

I dearly hope the scenery is very much brighter 48 to 96 hours from now?!

Bummer.