MY EMPTY VALENTINES

Some things feel like an eternity.

It is akin to pain. A small pain that hits deep down inside myself that disturbs me greatly. Because of this I try not to think about these particular things and I try to close down my mind.

Some things and some times these are unavoidable. Sometimes there simply is no escape. Often this is due to others and the vast majority of the time this has everything to do with government, directly or indirectly.

My current situation is down to others.

But I failed to realise that Valentine’s Day was soon approaching. Because and for the longest time Valentine’s Day meant nothing to me.

Love is something that has escaped me for the longest time. Long enough for others to simply not believe you if they discover the truth. The truth is simply disregarded as being too difficult to believe. So people generally do not.

Bizarrely I thought this Valentine’s Day would be a little different to the last fifteen? Well .. there was one year about eight years back that was like another about twenty years back. Both times were a mirror image of each other with two anonymous Valentine’s cards arriving by post. Each one sent by a different person. Each occasion was talked about for weeks or even months afterwards. The senders or admirers were never discovered.

This time around something was .. different. I actually have feelings for someone that I was told felt the same towards me. But I have been unable to .. get into contact with them.

The problem is two fold .. one they have stopped doing something they was doing semi-regularly and .. someone else has not mentioned it to them therefore. Though this culd have occurred via other .. methods. Secondly they have not logged onto Facebook and so totally unaware that I have .. reached out to them.

As far as I can tell, judging from the grey tick not turning blue or into a little tiny icon of their profile image as it does with everyone else, it has been ten days since they have logged on, minimum .. umm I think.

It will be two weeks this Friday the 16^th of February. Crap! Another date I tend to forget .. my birthday!

Valentine’s Day gift or birthday gift? Not so bloody likely in my experience!

Ugh!

The thing is and this has been the case for a month now is that all of this in the last month is purely the stuff that I can speak about. There is a whole bloody mountain of things that I simply cannot speak about. Mores the pity!

There is also a bunch of stuff I would like to do but .. the damned weather! It is just unbelievable and even when we are told of a few days of milder sunny weather being just two or three days away it changes to crap weather once it is twenty four hours away?! Twice we have been out whe it has been sunny and mild, not even felt the need to use gloves and upon reaching our destination it has turned cloudy and cold within an hour and come back with our hands completely numb even while wearing gloves! That is the weather taking the piss and that has happened several times, the hand numbing temperature changes having happened twice. Going cloudy has happened three or four times since I got here! That is how bloody bad they are and predicting the weather of late. Funy as they spent a great many tens of millions, in the UK alone, on a new weather computer and they are getting things wrong more times than they ever had before. In fact many here were talking about this cold snap and heavy snow that has been predicted twice in the last month and not even either of those have arrived. At least not in the south east of the UK. But everyone was talking about it so everyone was given the same impression which later turned out to be wrong.

So yeah .. it is bloody frustrating and boring right now and you have nothing better to do than sit around listening to the wind and rain while worrying about the things that are so serious I cannot mention them on here. I just wish something would work out positive for just bloody once! OK maybe I wish a couple of things would work out positive, but that is because one of those is something happening to someone else.

And it is Valentine’s Day .. the one time I have not blocked it out of my mind because for the first time in fifteen years I actually feel something .. in the fleeting moments between feeling worry, anxiety, anger and anything else that comes to mind.

I might actually make someone dinner in a date .. or at least I did think or hope that I might be doing that.

It could be a blessing in disguise .. as it has taken me longer to do the things I need to do and I have suffered with severe back pain for the last couple of days ..

.. so hearing something positive or getting that green light, if it finally happens, might make me want to rush things when I cannot possibly do that. Not right now. But I have the option to do so in a few days time.

I just need a bit more time to get a few things in place and .. allow something to get even closer to reality because certain .. industries are infamous for taking their God damn time.

Peronally I cannot help but think that, thanks to the public services yet again, I missed the first glimpse of the chance of happiness I have had in fifteen years?!

WAAAH!

LMAO!

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A SPECIAL SOMEONE

I sent a message and a request in Facebook..

If someone is reading this as they were a few weeks ago they should .. check out their Facebook page.

I did it last Friday but as I understand it .. circumstances might have kept them .. away?

Something they might have been hoping for was already .. possible but .. well you need to check your page. Lol.

THE TALE OF TWO BROKEN HEARTS

As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.

I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.

I have not told all on here.

If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.

I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.

Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.

I had to make them make a promise.

I told almost all of it.

As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.

There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.

Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.

It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.

As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.

It now looks like that was engineered too.

We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.

I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!

Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.

So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.

I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.

To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.

I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.

I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.

I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.

I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.

That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person’s name and their face and how I would miss it so.

I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.

As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.

I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.

That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.

That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.

Am I not the unluckiest man alive?

Am I not the very definition of the term ‘loser’?

Right now it would certainly seem so.

My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend’s girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”

My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.

I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.

The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.

He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..

I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.

I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?

A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.

Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.

But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?

THAT LOST LOOK OF LOVE

Romantic music swoops and peaks in an eveloping way.

A beautiful voice of a mystery and unknown woman sings out her heart for love and ones mind is drawn in like a moth to a flame. What I wonder that look, looks like and how does it feel to catch the fleeting glimpse that these feelings are held by another?

In a swirling land of wonders can one dare to dream of the perfection that seems so far from view despite the aching of touch that brings the tiny shudders lost for so long.

Like windmills on a hill top the wheels of time continue to turn on unabated without once slowing to allow one time to break away. Time so precious to few are granted for many and the times that tick by graduallly stealing away from one the possibilities that abounded of years gone by.

That look I loved within ones eyes seem but so lng a distant memory. Buried deep in the sands of time wy relentless winds that their view is way beyond obscured.

One wonders if it possible to find one not intent on materialism and able to see the bigger picture that hides from most of us. Many fall by the wayside but one must believe this not always to be true. For all those that intend to use and scheme only deserve the fists of steel there must be many worthy of help. While possible lovers be avoided there must be those that can make one feel again.

For those that have come to know the name for reasons all bad I hope that one comes to know it for the good one can do and the happiness one can bring, though one has ones own doubts to this being possible and lost in ths sandstorm of time.

Entertainment is his solace and undoing complicated and dastardly plans also. Is she somewhere out there and possibly be beyond the sea. Has fate forced us far apart or do we exist under each others noses? Can Old Ken be wrong and the person exists to compliment one another like no other?

Many of the sands of time been wasted away by undeserving obstacles that would leave a negatitivity not appreicated and certainly not wanted. Rendering many possibilities far beyond possibility for the longest periods known.

However this be the year that these bad vibes are cast aside themselves to be buried away in the wind blown sands along with many others.

What little time there exists left to live one fully intends to take full advantage of and do along with achieve many things long desired deep in ones heart.

Perhaps where one can change the lives of those he writes more can be accomplished by those he touches?

For the touch of affection is one he craves the most. All else is rendered just filler one calls entertainment and the occupying of ones mind due to the life others have that are lost and alien to him. What others take for granted in conversation is so alien to him and never having experienced many things that many others do in most lives unless not wanted.

Many bad things could bring down a tower of steel but one learns to box up and place within the dark recesses of ones mind and ther they stay.

Once in a while I let one out … if I really need to show anger to a large organisation and these be the weapons I keep within. At times when they are not controlled the soft and loving touch that would allow one to forget is sorely missed despite not remembering the feeling this brings.

Now the achievements begin to mount up and more heading this way a little more of the darkness is released each time and scattered to the winds to be long forgotten.

Life has a meandering nature to her and she twists and turns about in the winds of change. How this story goes from here on in and for the next five years has me wondering with a new confidence but an air of mystery abounds.

How will I feel when the time comes? Heaven only knows.