Some things feel like an eternity.
It is akin to pain. A small pain that hits deep down inside myself that disturbs me greatly. Because of this I try not to think about these particular things and I try to close down my mind.
Some things and some times these are unavoidable. Sometimes there simply is no escape. Often this is due to others and the vast majority of the time this has everything to do with government, directly or indirectly.
My current situation is down to others.
But I failed to realise that Valentine’s Day was soon approaching. Because and for the longest time Valentine’s Day meant nothing to me.
Love is something that has escaped me for the longest time. Long enough for others to simply not believe you if they discover the truth. The truth is simply disregarded as being too difficult to believe. So people generally do not.
Bizarrely I thought this Valentine’s Day would be a little different to the last fifteen? Well .. there was one year about eight years back that was like another about twenty years back. Both times were a mirror image of each other with two anonymous Valentine’s cards arriving by post. Each one sent by a different person. Each occasion was talked about for weeks or even months afterwards. The senders or admirers were never discovered.
This time around something was .. different. I actually have feelings for someone that I was told felt the same towards me. But I have been unable to .. get into contact with them.
The problem is two fold .. one they have stopped doing something they was doing semi-regularly and .. someone else has not mentioned it to them therefore. Though this culd have occurred via other .. methods. Secondly they have not logged onto Facebook and so totally unaware that I have .. reached out to them.
As far as I can tell, judging from the grey tick not turning blue or into a little tiny icon of their profile image as it does with everyone else, it has been ten days since they have logged on, minimum .. umm I think.
It will be two weeks this Friday the 16th of February. Crap! Another date I tend to forget .. my birthday!
Valentine’s Day gift or birthday gift? Not so bloody likely in my experience!
The thing is and this has been the case for a month now is that all of this in the last month is purely the stuff that I can speak about. There is a whole bloody mountain of things that I simply cannot speak about. Mores the pity!
There is also a bunch of stuff I would like to do but .. the damned weather! It is just unbelievable and even when we are told of a few days of milder sunny weather being just two or three days away it changes to crap weather once it is twenty four hours away?! Twice we have been out whe it has been sunny and mild, not even felt the need to use gloves and upon reaching our destination it has turned cloudy and cold within an hour and come back with our hands completely numb even while wearing gloves! That is the weather taking the piss and that has happened several times, the hand numbing temperature changes having happened twice. Going cloudy has happened three or four times since I got here! That is how bloody bad they are and predicting the weather of late. Funy as they spent a great many tens of millions, in the UK alone, on a new weather computer and they are getting things wrong more times than they ever had before. In fact many here were talking about this cold snap and heavy snow that has been predicted twice in the last month and not even either of those have arrived. At least not in the south east of the UK. But everyone was talking about it so everyone was given the same impression which later turned out to be wrong.
So yeah .. it is bloody frustrating and boring right now and you have nothing better to do than sit around listening to the wind and rain while worrying about the things that are so serious I cannot mention them on here. I just wish something would work out positive for just bloody once! OK maybe I wish a couple of things would work out positive, but that is because one of those is something happening to someone else.
And it is Valentine’s Day .. the one time I have not blocked it out of my mind because for the first time in fifteen years I actually feel something .. in the fleeting moments between feeling worry, anxiety, anger and anything else that comes to mind.
I might actually make someone dinner in a date .. or at least I did think or hope that I might be doing that.
It could be a blessing in disguise .. as it has taken me longer to do the things I need to do and I have suffered with severe back pain for the last couple of days ..
.. so hearing something positive or getting that green light, if it finally happens, might make me want to rush things when I cannot possibly do that. Not right now. But I have the option to do so in a few days time.
I just need a bit more time to get a few things in place and .. allow something to get even closer to reality because certain .. industries are infamous for taking their God damn time.
Peronally I cannot help but think that, thanks to the public services yet again, I missed the first glimpse of the chance of happiness I have had in fifteen years?!