As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.

I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.

I have not told all on here.

If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.

I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.

Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.

I had to make them make a promise.

I told almost all of it.

As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.

There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.

Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.

It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.

As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.

It now looks like that was engineered too.

We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.

I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!

Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.

So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.

I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.

To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.

I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.

I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.

I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.

I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.

That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person’s name and their face and how I would miss it so.

I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.

As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.

I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.

That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.

That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.

Am I not the unluckiest man alive?

Am I not the very definition of the term ‘loser’?

Right now it would certainly seem so.

My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend’s girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”

My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.

I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.

The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.

He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..

I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.

I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?

A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.

Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.

But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?



Why do I say the things that I do?

Why is it that I sound cynical about everything?

It is not someone being cynical … it is speaking from experience and I realised that before very long if I approached everything with a cynical attitude I was hardly ever being proved wrong.

That is just how bad things were, are and getting worse.

It is why I voted to get out of Europe.

I ask myself if I made a mistake and will continue to do so.

It is why I will be paying close attention to what those running the country will do over the next couple of years.

I also imagine it is highly likely I will be sending letters to both Nigel Farage in time and likely to the next Prime Minister, whether this is Boris Johnson or someone else.


  • Picked on/bullied continuously at school by Jamaicans (never affected me but not good)

  • Parents divorced after years of fighting

  • Knocked off racing bike by a car about 13 years old (along bonnet, up windscreen onto roof then off the side) which would come back to haunt me later on in life

  • Kicked Out 14 (after row between mother and father)

  • No Qualifications as a result

  • Kicked Out 15 (I never broke laws or had bad habits by the way – by grandmother)

  • Left homeless by Local Council (Brighton and forgot about this one)

  • Get a great deal of really painful heartburn, diagnosed with Hiatus Hernia

  • Left Homeless 24 with a Baby Girl (Homeless five or six times in total)

  • Court Case for custody while at College (to get into UNI!)

  • Watched Grandmother die in hospital after wrong diagnosis

  • Ex girlfriend stole my home and I was left homeless, while at UNI!

  • Stabbed in back by Middlesex University over Degree grade (Despite Distinction on Thesis)

  • Beaten up repeatedly by ex-girlfriend

  • Along with other niggling pains beforehand my feet start to hurt

  • Found out person I cared about most was raped, had child

  • Dad humiliated on BBC TV for things he did not do (though he did bullshit)

  • I get attacked by bailiffs who take one of a kind £4,400 mountain bike that features in What Mountain Bike Magazine plus 4 other things, they lie and tell me they sold it all for £735 (JBW Group) but I know the bike sold for £2,800 (parking ticket £550)

  • Despite trying hard and using forums I do not get Police interested in bailiif fraud

  • On a forum I get intercepted by a woman claiming my case against bailiffs worth millions

  • After getting details of witnesses and all my paperwork woman who contacted me via Community Action Group vanishes along with my witness (who saw bike sell for £2,800)

  • Person closest to me was abused and held against her will be radical Muslims

  • Found out radical Muslims were asking about Stratford, prior to London Olympics (they was in Liverpool)

  • Eventually get my hands on the Home Office file on one of the radicals I still have today, published on blog long ago

  • Start recording background conversations and sending the DVDs to MI5

  • He was left homeless by a Local Council

  • My father died prematurely at 56 (all 500 people at funeral blames the BBC)

  • DWP Kick me off disability

  • Get involved with someone to start a business but he turns out to have .. problems and a bit child like and a bit of a bully

  • I get stalked and get hate mail and photos over a period of about 6 months to a year

  • Grandchildren stolen by evil ex

  • Uncle dies at 58 leaving me feeling guilty to this day I did not see more of him

  • I decide to start BLOGS

  • Court case gets started up over my grandchildren and failures of the local council

  • After asking for 13 years about my feet I find out most of my 100 plus symptoms are due to Fibromyalgia

  • Court case leaps across five courts (Magistrates, Criminal, Family, Crown, Hig and Supreme Court)

  • I quickly realise upon research that the NHS already knew about Fibromyalgia and repeatedly lied to me through maybe a dozen General Practitioners (diagnosis I made confirmed at Guy’s Hospital but they tried hard not to refer me)

  • I manage to get back on Disability after proving that the DWP are corrupt and when you ask for the medical evidence they burn them (meaning Doctors all lied on letters too)

  • Court case of person close to me is won by person close to me and large damages awarded (or so I am told), they then disappear and still awaiting contact

  • DWP go after my Incapacity Benefit instead of my PIP benefits with via lying along with the lamest of excuses proving they have no medical knowledge whatsoever and no medical professionals … AGAIN! (post later)

  • Capital Punishment is more humane

  • Driven by the thought that these things can still keep happening to the person that is closest to me, others and my grandchildren

  • During all the above series of Anxiety and Panic Attacks, breakdowns and even suicidal periods


  • Paperwork and documents going back 20 years plus

  • Recordings cover several Local Councils, NHS, two Police Forces & others (much on here)

  • Also several retail chains selling refurbished goods as new to me (Littlewoods, Argos & PC World) – missing from that list

  • Did not list all disasters, thought it would be too long, and …

  • Should be mostly in chronological order

  • Ailments: Fibromyalgia (120 odd symptoms), Inguinal hernia Repair Pain, Inguinal Hernia, Hiatus Hernia, Physical problem right knee, High Blood Pressure, Postural Hypotension, High Cholesterol

  • Now having seizures too, falling unconscious


  • Passed driving test

  • Had a daughter (later to turn bad of course)

  • Learnt Wing Chun basics

  • Attended University

  • Got a BSc Degree in Applied Computing

  • Owned two Cloverleaf Alfa Romeos and a GTV 3.0 V6
  • Owned an Audi A6 Quattro
  • Owned a dream one of a kind mountain bike, albeit briefly, that appears in What Mountain Bike Magazine

  • Learnt advance Wing Chun

I have constantly asked myself how common lives like this are and could there be people actually worse than that?

They would have to survive it all of course!