THE TEN BELLS

Now let us see here .. anyone know what the title means?

If you do .. I ended up there today and I was not expecting to. You would think as a Londoner I might have visited these places before. I have not though I know the general area and I knew another place with another name. In Mile End Road. Or so I used to believe.

If you are not familiar with the name of the title .. it is a pub in Commercial Street where two of Jack the Ripper’s victims used to hang out.

I was in Whitechapel and Shoreditch .. basically where a section of my family came from in the East London area and not far from Brick Lane either.

These days I think I think the pub in Mile End Road was just a pub that was not far away from the area Jack the Ripper frequented and tried to cash in on this .. infamy.

From there I ended up in Brick Lane and even in a shop I had not been in for twenty years and I purchased a salt beef bagel with mustard and gherkins. Not as good a they used to be and far, far more expensive.

I was in the area with someone else and had gone several miles further then he said we was going .. ooh boy did that hurt. Like hell. My chest was aching and I had to pause several times on the return journey.

The pain helped .. despite it causing me to pause every now and then.

I have had trouble .. for getting something. Or more accurately .. forgetting someone. I have had this aching .. in an area I did not expect and it has become .. an issue for me. Something I did not expected now mixed up with all the other .. things. It is not a good combination.

Still I acquired a couple of thing that I needed .. that was why I went out. I invited someone else to come along for the walk but .. he wanted to go somewhere after I got what I needed. Only that area he stated I got mixed up with somewhere else and it was further than I thought it was.

Then it turned out that the further location I had gotten mixed up with was not the location I was told anyway and this third location was further still.

These things happen.

But I have been in a mood for .. self punishment. Of late.

However it seems this self-punishment is now for a similar thing in one case, bought about by someone else. In another it is .. umm how can I say .. someone I cannot get out of my head.

Though .. I wonder if this .. dogged stubbornness of my mind is actually helping with another .. pain in my arse?! Lol.

Ooh boy .. how did I end up in this mess?

Because I am an idiot and become more of an idiot when I have too much going on around me which just seems to cause lapses. Memory lapses.

Rushing and too many things at once causes me .. issues with my memory and getting important things done.

To give you an idea despite the freezing weather I actually got out with my camera yesterday to a place that surprised me as there is a small nature reserve near here. Actually spotted Reed Buntings there .. did not get any shots .. a wind started picking up and our hands started to become numb.

Thinking of using buses around the city with the body and some smaller lenses to get some architectural and artistic, or bokeh, type shots. Just get a load of shots of every interesting thing I can come across.

It would be a start.

Though really I need to do this on a Sunday .. when it will be real quiet and the city way less busy.

Annoyingly I do also need to go to a part where my solicitor is located .. but that has to be a weekday and .. well .. I cannot do rush hours and in London a rush hour is now wrongly names because it is way, way longer then an hour. It is way, way longer then two hours.

In fact in the afternoons you can expect it to be busy from anywhere around 3pm and if your unlucky up to 8pm, 9pm or even 10pm if there are any issues with trains or strikes on buses.

So the car in process of being sold .. form for application of new passport to stop the damn ID problem that has dogged me. An application for a new driver’s licence and .. a package to get to to the solicitor’s practice.

I am hoping that the solicitor can help with three other issues. One is my reference and previous deposit on a home of ten years problem. One is my current status and housing problem and lastly is the disability problem.

This then leaves one single solitary thing to sort out. My storage problem eating away at my cash-flow. I need to acquire a van and/or driver. Then go to my storage facility and start to throw things away .. to the local dump. Oh crap .. it will be a van so I might need a permit .. I forgot about that one!

Still I think I might get one or two things done this week and then one or two others done next week if I can focus and not kill myself in the meantime doing too much. By which I mean not aggravating the Fibromyalgia thing and causing too many flare ups?

After everything is done I should then .. be a couple of weeks down the road to selling the car and the courts viewing my medical records.

Once the car is sold, I am hoping that this would be in a couple of weeks, despite other plans being put into place .. I should be free to .. travel around to places much further afield.

Maybe revisiting recent places .. very recent places?

Sheesh! There will be a proximity problem. Well not so much of a problem .. well .. it is a problem .. sort of. Well it was more of an aching and .. it has been the same for weeks so I am kind of used to it. No I am lying I bloody hate it. Lol.

But then maybe I wont go and .. just do the things I need to from a distance?

A heart ache is still a heart ache .. a little concerned that the heart ache might

become stronger if back there with no anxiety?

I am fairly certain it will.

But then maybe by that time I might have figured out that I had been led up a garden path while up there and there is no point.

But I have been led to believe otherwise and as such .. I ache right down to the deepest fibres of my very being and .. long for something.

The trouble is this deep down longing has awoken when I thought it was also dead and gone and am certain that it will never occur in my current area because it did not for so long, so very, very long.

I do not think I can find someone to awaken those feelings the way that this person managed to achieve. But just being .. themselves. Just the mere sight of her or hearing her voice was enough to stir things deep within my soul.

The one night I was in close proximity I had been sent off to do a job for someone that was very obviously impossible. We had tried and tried but could not get this couch up a flight of stairs.

I had become dizzy and almost blacked out several times. Upon my return someone was inside the house and I just wanted to collapse onto the carpet and .. die .. or sleep for a very long time and was fighting to stay awake. To catch glimpses of someone and I caught the glimpse of a beautiful smile and a look I had not received for a very, very long time.

I cannot think of a better definition or more accurately an anecdote to describe being unlucky.

Only in this case I have been unlucky in a number of ways that are the worst possible and all at once too.

Hmm maybe being in the vicinity of Jack the Rippers hang outs was apt in my case? Well after all he did have this habit of ripping out organs.

I recently had my heart ripped out!

As for The Ten Bells? Yeah well I felt I had ten bells kicked out of me while having my heart ripped from my chest.

What a crock!

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THE TALE OF TWO BROKEN HEARTS

As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.

I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.

I have not told all on here.

If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.

I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.

Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.

I had to make them make a promise.

I told almost all of it.

As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.

There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.

Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.

It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.

As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.

It now looks like that was engineered too.

We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.

I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!

Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.

So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.

I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.

To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.

I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.

I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.

I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.

I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.

That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person’s name and their face and how I would miss it so.

I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.

As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.

I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.

That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.

That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.

Am I not the unluckiest man alive?

Am I not the very definition of the term ‘loser’?

Right now it would certainly seem so.

My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend’s girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”

My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.

I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.

The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.

He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..

I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.

I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?

A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.

Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.

But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?