THE YEARS BEYOND EVIL

We have not just briefly stepped ever so slightly beyond evil they have taken ten steps beyond it, keep taking further steps and we have stayed beyond the point of evil for several years.

There is only one thing that even the most naive idiots can take from all this. For amoral people it is not applicable.

They are killing people and they do not care.

What I got tagged in tonight, yeah that is happening a lot, is yet another story of the proof that the government, in this instance the Tories, and their Puppeteers are deliberately killing people.

You would be right for thinking this is because someone has died in a news report and you would be quite right. What you might not expect to read is that his death was not as a direct result of the government or the inevitable involvement in this story of the DWP.

I am so fucking pleased that these days I see the government mentioned, Theresa May and the Tories mentioned but most of all the DWP themselves. Gone are the days where everyone blames Atos, or previously known as Atos Healthcare, and that they need to be reported to the DWP.

I lost count of the number of times I told groups of disabled people ‘Noooo! This is the DWP and despite Atos being an evil company they are merely hired thugs for the DWP and government’.

I pretty much knew I would not be getting close to my goal until I started to see people blaming the DWP and government directly and no their henchmen.

Phillip Balderson was a cancer patient .. declared fit for work and sadly succumbed to the disease before his appeal could be heard.

Nice one Her Majesty’s Thugs and Hatchet Service .. ooh sorry it is HMCTS so yeah it is Her Majesty’s Courts & Tribunal Service but it is more the former in reality than it is the latter.

Phillip Balderson was 46 and worked at a Lake District Hotel. He had Oesophageal cancer which is odd because they suspected I might have that a few years back when I just started vomiting regularly. Still do and go through periods of doing it then it dies down. Never diagnosed properly I do not think .. just listed as Oesophagitis but that is supposed to heal up after taking the Proton Pump Inhibitor drugs but after twenty years never has. My daughter gets the heartburn that I do to.

Oddly I also suspect a head MRI that was performed at Chase Farm Hospital as well as a back X-Ray I know for a fact was performed in such a way that the issue I knew I had would not show up.

I was told that the MRI would be back in two weeks .. a time that normally only suspected cancer results return. Otherwise it is six to eight weeks.

Oddly enough I have just bee through that two week time quote a second time but for someone else I do not want to lose.

It jay turn out that we get that two more ties for two other scans?!

I also stated to you long ago now that those that work in the Job Centres, though there are still some amoral wankers in many of them, were not happy with what the DWP are doing? DO you recall? Well then look at the following quote from the link found below for the Mirror story ..

His daughter Chloe Balderson, 23, said: “He had terminal cancer and they were trying to send him to work. The people at the job centre were disgusted.”

Told you so.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/cancer-patient-dies-before-could-11654734#ICID=sharebar_facebook

Those young and budding history book writers are filling their fountain pens and inkjet printers I tell yah!!

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THE STORM KEEPS ON COMING

Well would you believe it?

I’ve emailed the DWP ministers email .. again. I did this a few years back .. can’t remember why. Might have been around seven years ago or more when I first lost my DLA?

A series of this they suddenly decided to do have each, in turn, had a detrimental effect on my health. It was probably that my health was going that way anyway. After all it is progressive, Fibromyalgia.

Although it may be that the blood pressure is down to Fibromyalgia as well as the postural hypotension, the latter of which first got me in a big way over twenty years ago, the chest thing might not be.

I don’t have my list of possible symptoms for Fibromyalgia. It was in a book I have to a previous, three GP’s back, that I thought was good. Until his father lied to me before he got a call from someone within the NHS who found this blog and have him a call to alert him if been recording him. He thought he we safe after watching me switch off two devices then lied in an hour long row while the team recorder was still going.

I’d loved to have seen the look on his face when he realised that night of posted our argument.

Got a letter three days later kicking me of the surgery.

But if been lied to my the GP previous to him as well as the GP previous to that one along with several hospitals and their Doctors.

Yeah with a 100% record in the last ten years your a fool to expect someone to expect you to be different to the norm over the previous fifteen years. Wanker.

He wasn’t the last one to lie either.

It is stunning what absolutely terrible lies they tell in the public services who then take money from us we are forced to pay, your taxes.

What’s irritating about it is they think they are perfectly within their right to do so and Hippocratic Oath a mean fuck all. Don’t know why they bought when money so easily gets most of them to break these oaths?

Every .. single .. public .. service has done exactly the same thing. Lied, failed cut years or both.

Tonight and after a pause of several days the perpetrator of the domestic violence called up once again. First bring nice, I presume, and then threatening. I don’t even know what that’s were made as they are not telling me.

Over two hundred phone calls were made in one night to two separate people regarding his victim and I’ve heard he phoned someone else too.

Police came other victim came .. Police got called a fat pig twice and .. boom! He gets interviewed. Didn’t find the fucking phone in Walton Prison though weeks after appearing on the TV news making it look like they foiled a smuggling racket using drones.

It just begs belief as does the state of all the public services.

Funny though that Phillip Hammond states that our productivity and uses the excuse that many disabled people are in work.

It’s going to get worse then, is it not? Didn’t his boss, Theresa May, just recently state that she was going to put a million more disabled people back into work. Forced into work is more accurate and a cyanide pill is more humane.

You wouldn’t do this to a dog, let alone a permanently wounded dog!

A dog in pain you would also put to sleep! Cyanide pills anyone?!

So the scum sucking son of a bitch Muslim has a network of friends smuggling stuff and using stuff.

So fucking in your face about it too that they must be laughing like the proverbial drains at the prison staff and the Police. Can’t even find a fucking phone when they have been called fat pigs. The Police called this, don’t forget?!

So along with the DWP, NHS, Local Councils (5 out of 5) and several others I have the Police again (two forces in total) six retail chains, telecoms companies all associated ombudsman and governing bodies and now the prison service too? Yup. Oh I forgot Her Majesty’s Courts and Tribunal Service who were not interested in facts and only interested in trying to get three lumps of mud to stick to me .. unsuccessfully I might add. Oh and as for logic? Yeah despite her way over the top patronising demeanor .. she had no logic of at least we but interested in it.

And the Citizens Advice Bureau got it wrong the whole way, later told they often get it wrong by a solicitor. Great. Got to do that all over again as I’ve heard nothing about any progress from the solicitor, other than fearing for my safety and health.

Is there a public service of the that’s not corrupt/incompetent/failed? I can actually think of two ..

  • The Ambulance Service .. out thing giving the NHS any credibility at all and dead honest, nice and compassionate in my experience
  • The Fire Service for obvious reason but then .. it can’t really be corrupted now, can it? If it is the results would be both obvious and catastrophic

With the latter? Maybe there are ways and maybe others know about these but .. it would be something I couldn’t get close to. You would have to know someone in the service so sang like the proverbial Canary.

So then .. how many numpty naive tax payers still think everything is fine. Even with the limited this they tell you in the mainstream news you have to be stupid to not realise there’s a major problem and the UK is heading towards a dark place.

All because successive Prime Ministers, or their puppeteers, like to throw our money around so the rest of the world this were doing better than we are.

Well we’ve seen where that gets us .. people like this wanker in Walton Prison and other with dastardly plans of death and destruction, tape, mugging, lies and eventually overrunning the UK, whether they admit it to us or not.

But then what do they find when they get here? Not streets paved with gold, corruption, lies and treatment of the poor and vulnerable they actually makes them look better in hardens their resolve, no doubt?

Like I stated already, this country is heading into a dark, dark age.

I’m beginning to think that the anarchists might be right?!

Never thought I’d say that!

Well .. maybe just some of them? Some the time?

Anything is better than this!

Oh and just as I have been reporting on the failures of protecting children in my case .. guess what happens?

It gets mentioned on the BBC News tonight as the main headline!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/domestic_abuse

Oops .. wring link, my apologies ..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-42273893/domestic-abuse-and-coercive-control-is-silent-killer

As I stated for years now my stories appear in the mainstream media, or one very much like them, from a few days to a few years after I have published about them!

THE FIRST BOMB FAILS .. MAYBE

Well that did not inspire me with confidence.

I missed a phone-call back from a gentleman who seemed to be helpful and working for the local Citizen’s Advice Bureau in Birkenhead.

He admitted that the situation was a bad and confusing one and said he needed to speak to others.

When he called he did that bloody thing that annoys me with the telecoms companies .. he left a voice message when I never listen to voice messages .. EVER.

It is well known that the mobile telecoms companies leave this on deliberately and has been complained about for years. Yet they still do it.

So I managed to send them an email via their webpage form and asked if he could call me back or arrange a meeting, as I was sure they would realise their had been a major mistake here that had cost me thousands of pounds and climbing.

It was not long before I got a phone-call from their office and was asked how they could help?!

What?!

I have sent no less than two emails to them and spoken on the phone at length about the problem and she asks me how they can help?!

I told her I had already explained this to someone called Steve and she made excuses that he was only a volunteer, umm .. aren’t they all? She went on to say that according to what he had put in the notes I was getting the correct amount of Universal Credit?!

I said “Well that is NOT what he said on the phone and as I have had a letter stating that I am getting the exact amount as what my rent is .. this obviously is not right” She asked if I wanted an appointment. Well .. duh!

Then she became patronising by telling me they cannot help with the other things I spoke about in the email .. which I did not include I this request to contact me!

The other issues she was referring to was me purely explaining why I am here who I am helping and that the other authorities are not helping us with those issues either.

In other words ..

  • I have a disability

  • Which involves pain

  • I am being investigated for chest pain which I have right now

  • I have short term memory problems

And ..

  • I am here to help my daughter and grandchildren

  • There are two autistic children out of four

  • They have been subjected to domestic violence

  • There are some serious health concerns, that have us both scared

Among other things but that is basically the gist of it.

Having lost all faith and trust in absolutely everyone a long time ago and very late I the game admittedly .. I set up a Patreon account for myself and a Crowd Funding campaign for my daughter and grandchildren.

Due to some lack of communication with GoFundMe I decided that after suspending my account they were asking too many questions and it was not going to be allowed. For whatever reason but they seem to think I was raising money for someone to defend themselves in court? Umm .. no.

So I went to the British Crowd Funding site called Just Giving and set that up. No problems with that and I put a lot of content on there.

Then very late that night I receive an email from GoFundMe informing me that they had now approved my account?!

So the next thing I thought? ‘Oh .. now I have two crowd funding accounts .. is that even allowed?! Great .. now I am going to have to remember to email them and ask them about this?!” Talk about hard work!

Then while looking after the youngest grandchild, which I often do, while my daughter takes two others to school, the oldest now going to school on hi own, I decided to hoover the living room.

Often it ends up looking like Beirut on a rough day.

The children make more mess than your average children, well three of them do, and if your not careful and after demanding another packet of crisps or a drink the youngest can then just decide to empty the packet she has mashed into small pieces anyway all over the sofa and carpet. That happens at least once a day. On a good day there wont be too many when you decide to vacuum which you have to do twice a day and it still ends up looking like Beirut by the time they go to bed .. ooh robotic vacuums? Oh but they will destroy those. Within hours. Electronic toys enter the house and within a few hours one or two things on them are no longer working. If they fight over something, does not matter to them who it belongs to, it can get broken completely.

Except for the oldest one. Although he gets his stuff stolen or broken by all the other three.

In fact a favourite trick of theirs is to switch off his Xbox at the wall. He often comes in with one or the other and begging we keep her in the living room.

We have both talked about finding work, while someone we know seems to throw the opportunities away!

But the way things work now .. you cannot really get anything part time and earn anything substantial and what with our disabilities we need a car to do anything. Unless you can find work very nearby that includes no travelling around to places. Unless the organisation you work for does not mind relying on public transport in its daily rotas?

I was just talking about finding work with someone and they asked me how many hours you can work before your benefits get deducted. The benefit they are talking about I said I did not know but would look it up .. when it suddenly occurred to me ..

If I or anyone else was to find work who was having their benefits, the living side and not the housing side, deducted because they are holding money you had against you .. what happens then?

Think about it in what appears right now to be my case ..

  • After being told I would get £600 as a first payment ..

  • I was then in receipt of a letter that stated that I would only get £300 every month

  • Which is my rent amount ..

  • Therefore I have nothing to buy food with or pay bills .. other than what little savings I have left (which often go on my daughter and 4 grandchildren due to lack of help)

  • But Universal Credit states that for every £1 you earn they take 65p .. though I think this changed to 63p .. whoopie-doo!

  • Sooo .. how are you going to afford to even get to work?! Let alone do this with no food?!

Funny how I three conversations the Citizen’s Advice Bureau who receive money to run their operation did not pick up on that either?! Three conversations!

Will they pick this up in a face to face third conversation? We will see.

Whoever thought up of this Universal Credit shit needs to be shot! Truly they do as it seems that every other week I see a ajor problem that actually stops people fro workig as well as killing people.

I want to ask them for a cyanide pill when I am next in the Job Centre as it would be far more humane that what they are doing.

If you did this to dogs the RSPCA would be all over your arse like the proverbial flies. You would be fined and/or sent to prison.

They would put a dog to sleep rather than leaving it to suffer.

I was mopping a floor in a pause during this typing and I kept asking myself two things ..

  • How have I ended up I this situation?!

  • How did we ever get into this situation as a nation?!

My absolutely serious advice is this .. if you have been on benefits and you have received some money and want to go out on your own and make money, starting a business and/or going self-employed .. do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to your Jo Centre for help!!

You might want to keep an eye on your own family members, no matter how close you thought you were as they could end up stealing hundreds of thousands like one did with my own family.

Then when you try to do it with what has not be stolen off you the DWP then lure you in with promises, then cut you loose and .. then refuse you benefits altogether after you have spent two thirds of it on the tools they agreed to and signed off for.

I really must put the business plan up on here and all the recordings I made as well as the emails.

Damn it! Those crowd funding emails!

THE WHISPERS OF REASON

Well this is another black mark for the Tories and their evil plans and the stealth like schemes .. plus for their Puppeteers who must be uncovered at all costs.

Thousands of disability tests are branded as ‘unacceptable’ by the governments very own quality control scheme?

I never thought I would ever read that or that the government even had a quality control scheme?! I want to know where in the hell these quality control people have been for the last eight years and is it only because of Frank Field’s valiant efforts and some crocodile tears that they have now come out and stated something?!

Who knows.

Atos and Capita have never even met their target once, according to the DWP’s current quality control scheme for Personal Independence Payments (PIP)

Bombshell new figures say neither Atos nor Capita – the outsourcing giants paid more than £500m to assess people for Personal Independence Payments (PIP) – are meeting the target of 97% of assessments conforming to standards.

Latest audits show 6.4% of PIP benefit assessments were deemed “unacceptable” in the three months to October 2017.

I would go as far as stating that they are well under for the figure of 6.4% in that last statement from the webpage below. Well, well, WELL below judging from what I have been hearing.

One Type 1 Diabetic I know constantly insisted that Type 1 Diabetics would not nor never be touched by the government and the DWP and insisted that DLA would not go.

Then one day a friend of his with the same condition has him got told he was being transferred over to PIP and had to re-apply all over again. That surprised him. That was around 6 to 8 months ago now.

A few weeks ago another friend of his with the exact same condition but actually missing a leg had his PIP stopped. He got it back on appeal but I could tell from his voice he was now getting a little worried.

A labour voter all his life and after listening to Katie Hopkins in a radio interview recently he stated to me on the phone “You were right. You were right about EVERYTHING!”

What did he do for a living?

Oh he was only a social worker for Camden Council for 25 years!

EDIT: As I stated in a comment in DPAC where I first saw this story ..

.. will it go anywhere though ad will it go far enough?!

http://urthevoice.co.uk/thousands-disability-benefit-tests-branded-unacceptable-governments-quality-control-scheme/

GOFUNDME FLUNG TO THE FOUR WINDS!

EDIT: Now turns out that this account is live .. I guess they looked at the links I proved them to both this blog and my YouTube account and realised I was legitimate?

I had some issues with GoFundMe who seem to be unable to read.

I have now had two emails fro them and replied to the last one but I am going to assume that as they seem to be unable to read and have had some history with people abusing their service, like a certain Jenny McDermott , an self proclaimed SJW, for example, that they have become .. trigger happy?

So I have started up a different one as when GoFundMe ask for even more .. stuff I am simply not going to bother.

So I have used Just Giving as they seem to be UK based?

If you did nit read the last one .. this is to do with a young mother, my daughter, with three cancer scares .. four children, two of which are autistic and a historical court case for domestic violence against her ..

.. there is a lot more details but will not go into them here. More on the crowd funding page ..

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/martin-haswell

THE UNIVERSAL SHAME

Hmm .. interesting .. verrrry innnteresting ..

Got tagged in this one on Facebook ..

A Tory MP is said to have broken down crying when the effects of Universal Credit on the poor was explained to her. Explained by Frank Field MP and involving some of his constituents.

There is even a video .. though I have not seen it as the audio does not work on this laptop and cannot be bothered to grab by headphones just yet. The headline says it all the the screenshot does appear to show a woman in tears.

Apparently one man had to be talked out of committing suicide and Frank Field was told about a child who was crying from hunger. This was told to him by the organisation called Feeding Birkenhead and they also told how the child was shown a shelf that had both toys and food on it and the child grabbed the food?!

Simply, simply stunning an the new age of historians must be filling their fountain pens and inkjet printers with ink?

I imagine many a book will be penned over the next couple of years if there are not a slew of them in the process of being written right now?

What was said will take you by surprise but this working together excuse falls on deaf ears for me.

Surprisingly the story is run by Evolve Politics which I have linked to previously.

https://evolvepolitics.com/watch-tory-breaks-crying-labour-mp-recounts-horrific-effects-universal-credit-constituents-video/

EXPANDING INTO ASKING FOR COMMENTS

I have decided that due to this becoming a thing ..

.. that I am going to start approaching people directly for comments in situations going wrong.

Like this business with Child Tax Credit and HMRC asking for many thousands of pounds from mistakes several years earlier.

Still cannot get over the fact that they failed to see billions upon billions missing that they failed to see and are now seeing hundreds of thousands or even millions that simply are not there?!

So here is the email I have sent to HMRC.

EMAIL ..

Dear Sir/Madam

I have been reporting about failures and corruption within the pubic services and government for several years now .. I have decided to venture into attempting to get comments.

It has come to may attention and since then I have had a great many mothers speak to me that a large number of people are having over-payment letters being sent to them for thousands of pounds.

This is for many periods many years beforehand to, something that would be difficult to prove.

However .. it has also come to my attention that in a great many cases your demands for money is simply wrong and easily proven.

Would you care to comment?

Yours faithfully

Martin Haswell BSc

PASSING BONKERS

I would like to say that the government are at it again.

But this I am hearing now is beyond ridiculous and is in fact way beyond bonkers.

On the Facebook page called Universal Credit Survival has had a mother post something about receiving a letter about over-payments in Child Tax Credits .. only the bill from the poster amounts to £3,000! It gets better as it is from 6 years ago.

Someone commented that they have had a bill from 2010 and that one is for £7,000?!

I .. I .. I just do not know what to think about all this or even where to begin?

How can you have a over-payment of £7,000 from 2010? What, they over paid her a whole £7,000 for one year?! I doubt that very much. SO was it for several years leading up to 2010? If so why has it taken them ten years to realise the mistake. Also the mistake was obviously theirs, if indeed it is a mistake, so how the fuck can they send out bills?!

Just when you think they cannot possibly do any more to prove what an evil government they are they then go and start pulling this one?!

It gets better as I told my daughter about it and she said she knew and that she had received a letter about over-payments too?! To the tune of £3,500?!

Well if I guess that if HMRC could miss billions in corporation tax fro the likes of Google, Apple, Amazon and the rest a few grand is nothing?!

EDIT: I just read a very good one .. on the page below a lady said you was told she owed £6,000 in over payments between 2008 and 2012 but was 14 years old in 2008 and did not claim Child Tax Credits until her twins were born in 2013?!

If this is not in the news in the next 7 days then there is something seriously wrong with the journalism in the UK!

Take a look for yourself ..

https://www.facebook.com/groups/312769902184307/?multi_permalinks=1374255976035689&notif_id=1512456958608554&notif_t=group_highlights

WHEN HELL COMES TO TOWN

After feeling the strain of everything the young mum I have been focusing on went out to see an old friend last night.

I stayed at the house with the four children which is one of the many reasons I came .. because there is no one else and she would have been under much more strain than she already is. Already an unimaginable amount.

When she returned a little earlier than I expected .. she said a couple of thing I did not expect and had been dropped off my her mother, who I see waving and I waved back as I closed the door.

Her to revelations came in the exact same line.

“I told my mum .. I just want to die and it is all your fault!”

I sat open-mouthed and simply stared at her for a few moments .. well time just seem to dissolve into the background and it was most likely extended over several minutes.

“What?”

She went into more detail .. what has been done to her, lied to about the very cancer she is now becoming more convinced she has, while I pray otherwise. Having been subjected from abuse by a number of men before she had even turned sixteen and as a result is now the mother of four at a little under 25. Ages 10, 5, 3 and 2 .. do the math.

Let us just say that I was working on this long before the Rotherham thing hit the news with a few other darker sides to those involved with .. dastardly plans.

That was not even the first time.

I sat wide-eyed as she explained how she had said all this to her mother. Then there was her mother stealing her children. Then there was all the fake cancer scares she had .. we joke that it is around a dozen that she has meant to have. She had recently admitted that she lied about them and only seem to give a .. bad excuse for the very first one. That I would come up to Birkenhead and stay with her?!

Oddly and as mad is it sounds what with everything she had previously done I find myself wondering and feeling a little guilty that I had not. Though I tried to find my daughter when she was 13 and was thwarted by a web of conspiracy, lies and a really bad solicitors practice called Reed, Sternberg, Taylor Gill or .. something like that in Barking I failed. But I still feel a sense of guilt.

I tried to encourage my daughter to come and live in London with all the kids. She said that she would a few times but never did. Yeah it is hard to live somewhere where everyone speaks differently and have different ways of life and attitudes. To those of us from the south we feel like we will get treated roughly, even persecuted as you hear the stories over the years. But going the other way is not as bad. But you never know that unless you have the courage to do it.

Those that have been reading these posts for a long time might have been asking themselves how it is I claim that I am the only one when there is a mother nearby?

Well I can tell you something this mother does not know .. if the social services EVER found out that any of the children had been left with the mother it would count as a very black mark towards the mother of the children. It would also put them in danger. Because she does odd things that .. no one can explain and most women balk at or become enraged when they hear.

Yeah it really is bad and you might think this is so bad that it involved the death of a child? Well .. that came close several times with each of them. One nearly kidnapped at least twice, one not being watched and hit by a car.

The oldest son hates his mother, I am told. In fact when the cancer scare came about the mother recalled that she was supposed to have three injections for HPV and that her mother only took her for the first one and did not bother with the others. On discovering this her oldest son shouted “Why didn’t you take her for all three injections?!” to which she answered “Oh be quiet, things are bad enough as it is!” Umm .. yeah!

I told her that half of that line I had been expecting to happen for ten years. Ten years of finding out about the first horrors and then hearing about a whole series of others over the following ten years and then to be hit by the worst of all.

I do not even have the time to ask myself what it is I am going to do if the worst was to happen!

We ordered food but even while chatting about things and me trying to make her laugh things went .. awry.

AT the end of the meal she was suddenly in pain .. with a hard lump appearing in her stomach which s near an area where they discovered one of the three lumps.

Remember .. she is 24 with four children and no one other than her best friend, Laura. Laura, who has her own issues and bad life to deal with. In fact they were even in care together .. care that was .. bad and mostly responsible for the current woes.

I had expected a moment of realisation for years and I even said “DO you ever remember me telling you that one day you will wake up and ask yourself .. ‘What the fuck just happened these last ten years?’” She nodded.

What I did not expect, though I had heard it from her when she was 13 to 14 several times when I was trying to get her to come down to London, was the ‘I want to die’ part.

That was the moment when time just seemed to slow down to an eventual halt.

I told her there was another reason I was here and that this was to try to help her find something .. for herself.

There is very little me time, a hell of a lot to do and .. under an immense amount of strain ..

  • Abused by step-father

  • Under age mother twice

  • In and out of foster homes and care

  • Held against her will by radicalized Muslims in a flat

  • Domestic violence victim

  • Four children at 22

  • Two children autistic

  • Discovers she has my disability

  • Mother who encourage the second point

  • Mother who stole two of the children with the local council’s help

  • Specific and not very nice female problems

  • Domestic abuser phoning all night every night from prison

  • Found three lumps that look suspicious

  • First lump alone has had Doctors and Hospitals running around like headless chickens

That is just the quick but by no means the full list.

It is what I have been carrying around for twenty years when I first told Liverpool High or Crown Court that if they do this, this young girl will have a life of hell.

Except it was far, far worse than I could ever have imagined.

The sad part about it is that the reason why I ca talk to her is that I have been in this position where you just hate waking up in the morning because you are reminded your still alive and all the shit is real.

Eventually you start to pray that you don’t wake up.

I truly have lost count of the number of times I have been through that.

But because of the lies and corruption of the NHS I only found out that this was down to a condition I have called Fibromyalgia which screws with everything. As well as the pains, skin conditions and short-term memory problems among others, it causes pretty bad anxiety that makes no sense, has a mind of its own and can make the simplest of things like your facing death itself.

I have said it is both annoying and makes no sense because I do not fear death .. pain, yes! But not death so .. how is it that these stupid things can set this off?!

The other annoying thing for me is the extreme anxiety you can wake up with .. often waking you up very, very early .. heart beating like a race horses and you often literally feel like you are going to have a coronary. Or heart attack.

This happened to me this morning and I explained this to the young mother that has been my focus for the last several months. I said I often used to wonder if I had, had a dream that had set it off but f the dream was so bad .. why am I not able to recall it?

I said that I think this damnable thing just plays up whenever it feels like it and that .. if you have any stress going on that is just how it is. Too much to do and too many things to think about and knowing you have the memory issues that, not can but, will screw things up does not help one little bit.

It is odd watching her do all the exact same things I do.

I wish I was able to do something about it all .. I would gladly take any cancers she had if I could.

Even if a member of my family, my cousin Julie Bannister, had not stolen £35,000 I inheritance, did you not read that, I could make life somewhat easier but in the case of the big ‘C’? Not so sure .. not even this first one of cervical cancer. Or is it Uterine cancer that is difficult? Cannot recall and too scared to look.

That £35,000 is off nine of us, just so you know. It was £350,000 that was stolen .. out of £750,000 plus!

I have often thought and talked about a GoFundMe page but that seems somewhat .. self-serving .. well presently.

Until we get the results back in a few days time .. and of course the other results it is difficult to know what to do.

But then there are still problems in the meantime. I told her that I tried to deal with my situations by using both cycling and photography to relax, switch off and get through it with the exercise perfect for lessening our symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

Unfortunately and with the government’s approval for 14 weeks and over £20,000 of m own investment with very little left and being refused UC after being refused Working Tax Credits after becoming self-employed and previously having Incapacity Benefit and Personal Independent Payments being taken away?

Yeah this corrupt government put the fucking tin hat on that too .. something I was hoping that while here I would not only do, in the Peak District and Snowdonia and hopefully Scotland, I would involve the aforementioned mother to see if I could get her into it too?

Just a shame that I places where people are supposed to not only help but be understanding .. they then go and assume that a really bad situation is nothing of the kind, no three adults and four children are not going to be affected by this .. but .. they also do not stop to think about anything else so extreme that you are not divulging in that very public place.

There are these tiny moments when I picture the worst and I wonder if and how I will survive it and how I will cope with the children.

If you see what looks like a statue of a man mid-stride somewhere on the Wirral in the coming months made out of petrified wood? It will likely be me!

I am thinking of a title called ‘The Good Samaritans’ for a few weeks time, if I bloody remember the title idea that is.

I often wonder what it will have included in it?