After feeling the strain of everything the young mum I have been focusing on went out to see an old friend last night.
I stayed at the house with the four children which is one of the many reasons I came .. because there is no one else and she would have been under much more strain than she already is. Already an unimaginable amount.
When she returned a little earlier than I expected .. she said a couple of thing I did not expect and had been dropped off my her mother, who I see waving and I waved back as I closed the door.
Her to revelations came in the exact same line.
“I told my mum .. I just want to die and it is all your fault!”
I sat open-mouthed and simply stared at her for a few moments .. well time just seem to dissolve into the background and it was most likely extended over several minutes.
She went into more detail .. what has been done to her, lied to about the very cancer she is now becoming more convinced she has, while I pray otherwise. Having been subjected from abuse by a number of men before she had even turned sixteen and as a result is now the mother of four at a little under 25. Ages 10, 5, 3 and 2 .. do the math.
Let us just say that I was working on this long before the Rotherham thing hit the news with a few other darker sides to those involved with .. dastardly plans.
That was not even the first time.
I sat wide-eyed as she explained how she had said all this to her mother. Then there was her mother stealing her children. Then there was all the fake cancer scares she had .. we joke that it is around a dozen that she has meant to have. She had recently admitted that she lied about them and only seem to give a .. bad excuse for the very first one. That I would come up to Birkenhead and stay with her?!
Oddly and as mad is it sounds what with everything she had previously done I find myself wondering and feeling a little guilty that I had not. Though I tried to find my daughter when she was 13 and was thwarted by a web of conspiracy, lies and a really bad solicitors practice called Reed, Sternberg, Taylor Gill or .. something like that in Barking I failed. But I still feel a sense of guilt.
I tried to encourage my daughter to come and live in London with all the kids. She said that she would a few times but never did. Yeah it is hard to live somewhere where everyone speaks differently and have different ways of life and attitudes. To those of us from the south we feel like we will get treated roughly, even persecuted as you hear the stories over the years. But going the other way is not as bad. But you never know that unless you have the courage to do it.
Those that have been reading these posts for a long time might have been asking themselves how it is I claim that I am the only one when there is a mother nearby?
Well I can tell you something this mother does not know .. if the social services EVER found out that any of the children had been left with the mother it would count as a very black mark towards the mother of the children. It would also put them in danger. Because she does odd things that .. no one can explain and most women balk at or become enraged when they hear.
Yeah it really is bad and you might think this is so bad that it involved the death of a child? Well .. that came close several times with each of them. One nearly kidnapped at least twice, one not being watched and hit by a car.
The oldest son hates his mother, I am told. In fact when the cancer scare came about the mother recalled that she was supposed to have three injections for HPV and that her mother only took her for the first one and did not bother with the others. On discovering this her oldest son shouted “Why didn’t you take her for all three injections?!” to which she answered “Oh be quiet, things are bad enough as it is!” Umm .. yeah!
I told her that half of that line I had been expecting to happen for ten years. Ten years of finding out about the first horrors and then hearing about a whole series of others over the following ten years and then to be hit by the worst of all.
I do not even have the time to ask myself what it is I am going to do if the worst was to happen!
We ordered food but even while chatting about things and me trying to make her laugh things went .. awry.
AT the end of the meal she was suddenly in pain .. with a hard lump appearing in her stomach which s near an area where they discovered one of the three lumps.
Remember .. she is 24 with four children and no one other than her best friend, Laura. Laura, who has her own issues and bad life to deal with. In fact they were even in care together .. care that was .. bad and mostly responsible for the current woes.
I had expected a moment of realisation for years and I even said “DO you ever remember me telling you that one day you will wake up and ask yourself .. ‘What the fuck just happened these last ten years?’” She nodded.
What I did not expect, though I had heard it from her when she was 13 to 14 several times when I was trying to get her to come down to London, was the ‘I want to die’ part.
That was the moment when time just seemed to slow down to an eventual halt.
I told her there was another reason I was here and that this was to try to help her find something .. for herself.
There is very little me time, a hell of a lot to do and .. under an immense amount of strain ..
Abused by step-father
Under age mother twice
In and out of foster homes and care
Held against her will by radicalized Muslims in a flat
Domestic violence victim
Four children at 22
Two children autistic
Discovers she has my disability
Mother who encourage the second point
Mother who stole two of the children with the local council’s help
Specific and not very nice female problems
Domestic abuser phoning all night every night from prison
Found three lumps that look suspicious
First lump alone has had Doctors and Hospitals running around like headless chickens
That is just the quick but by no means the full list.
It is what I have been carrying around for twenty years when I first told Liverpool High or Crown Court that if they do this, this young girl will have a life of hell.
Except it was far, far worse than I could ever have imagined.
The sad part about it is that the reason why I ca talk to her is that I have been in this position where you just hate waking up in the morning because you are reminded your still alive and all the shit is real.
Eventually you start to pray that you don’t wake up.
I truly have lost count of the number of times I have been through that.
But because of the lies and corruption of the NHS I only found out that this was down to a condition I have called Fibromyalgia which screws with everything. As well as the pains, skin conditions and short-term memory problems among others, it causes pretty bad anxiety that makes no sense, has a mind of its own and can make the simplest of things like your facing death itself.
I have said it is both annoying and makes no sense because I do not fear death .. pain, yes! But not death so .. how is it that these stupid things can set this off?!
The other annoying thing for me is the extreme anxiety you can wake up with .. often waking you up very, very early .. heart beating like a race horses and you often literally feel like you are going to have a coronary. Or heart attack.
This happened to me this morning and I explained this to the young mother that has been my focus for the last several months. I said I often used to wonder if I had, had a dream that had set it off but f the dream was so bad .. why am I not able to recall it?
I said that I think this damnable thing just plays up whenever it feels like it and that .. if you have any stress going on that is just how it is. Too much to do and too many things to think about and knowing you have the memory issues that, not can but, will screw things up does not help one little bit.
It is odd watching her do all the exact same things I do.
I wish I was able to do something about it all .. I would gladly take any cancers she had if I could.
Even if a member of my family, my cousin Julie Bannister, had not stolen £35,000 I inheritance, did you not read that, I could make life somewhat easier but in the case of the big ‘C’? Not so sure .. not even this first one of cervical cancer. Or is it Uterine cancer that is difficult? Cannot recall and too scared to look.
That £35,000 is off nine of us, just so you know. It was £350,000 that was stolen .. out of £750,000 plus!
I have often thought and talked about a GoFundMe page but that seems somewhat .. self-serving .. well presently.
Until we get the results back in a few days time .. and of course the other results it is difficult to know what to do.
But then there are still problems in the meantime. I told her that I tried to deal with my situations by using both cycling and photography to relax, switch off and get through it with the exercise perfect for lessening our symptoms of Fibromyalgia.
Unfortunately and with the government’s approval for 14 weeks and over £20,000 of m own investment with very little left and being refused UC after being refused Working Tax Credits after becoming self-employed and previously having Incapacity Benefit and Personal Independent Payments being taken away?
Yeah this corrupt government put the fucking tin hat on that too .. something I was hoping that while here I would not only do, in the Peak District and Snowdonia and hopefully Scotland, I would involve the aforementioned mother to see if I could get her into it too?
Just a shame that I places where people are supposed to not only help but be understanding .. they then go and assume that a really bad situation is nothing of the kind, no three adults and four children are not going to be affected by this .. but .. they also do not stop to think about anything else so extreme that you are not divulging in that very public place.
There are these tiny moments when I picture the worst and I wonder if and how I will survive it and how I will cope with the children.
If you see what looks like a statue of a man mid-stride somewhere on the Wirral in the coming months made out of petrified wood? It will likely be me!
I am thinking of a title called ‘The Good Samaritans’ for a few weeks time, if I bloody remember the title idea that is.
I often wonder what it will have included in it?