I didn’t know what to title this one.
We humans are funny ..
We praise the miracle of our bodies desire the fact they are littered with flaws, fragile and need to exist within a very controlled environment.
At times, such as what I’m going through, you go through a series of things that brings about something akin to torture. This drives people to take very dramatic and confusing, to some, actions.
When you’ve eventually .. resigned yourself to this you start finding some things .. appear .. weird to you.
There are things that are going to happen that you don’t bother with as your not going to be around to appreciate them. Or not be in a position to appreciate them even if you was around.
The strangest things can also be .. comforting.
I’ve given up .. in many ways and yet I find watching back and white movies, film noir if I can find it, it is strangely .. comforting. At times. I have asked myself if this is something I’ve done previously and this might be why?
Sometimes it is difficult following the stories .. not that they are hard .. just hard paying attention at times. Watching my movies is simply not going to happen. Though I might just watch Spiderman Homecoming a second time?
In preparation that something might occur .. earlier than you thought you tend to start making .. preparations .. for might occur after any event. I’ve been through a few things and cleaned, let us say, a lot of things out. Into the trash. A .. lot of things.
Then there are things you don’t think about until later .. like a hell of a lot of recordings I amassed I never got to publish online as I had planned to last year and this year.
In fact I stated to a couple of people just recently .. it’s like everything that could go wrong did go wrong and you have to think it’s by design?! No way this many things goes wrong and it’s merely coincidence?! Last time I thought something like that it was over my symptoms. I put it to Doctors that they all must be linked and I’m told it’s not possible. Thirteen years plus later I discover they are and I have Fibromyalgia which is the cause of the state I’m in now. With a little help, no doubt?!
I’ve told Doctors for years I need help and on so many areas too. My memory. My feet were I’ve even requested them to be replaced my robotic ones. Could do the same with my back and shoulders too. A few other areas could easily be added to that list.
Then there’s the fact that I just get so tired .. which I combat with cycling .. except I can’t where I am currently trapped.
It’s impossible even for your average Joe. Too many things for even the sanest man to deal with and I don’t appear to be the sanest.
Then there’s all the niggling little things that drive me nuts. I have all these .. aversions to that seen to shoot to into phobia land. So maybe I have had phobias too?!
I suppose my issues are to do with this country, it’s attitudes of central and local government and .. the NHS and DWP.
I personally think that the way they treat people and what they are getting up to is downright despicable and nothing short of evil.
To be forced to go through the absolute roller-coaster of heightened feelings I’ve had over and over again is .. like a prison sentence from hell.
When I’m watching American westerns I can’t help thinking how life was easier. Big expanse of space. Reliant on yourself to survive. Only bullets to worry about. Yeah .. someone with a gun or several with guns would be far easier to face than the public services in the UK right now.
I sometimes fantasise about travelling forwards into the future to see if anyone has discovered the whole story and to what is going on right now as well as who is behind it. Would dearly love to see that occur.
Despite that fantasising I can’t see it happening anytime soon. Yes there has been report after report of things the government and NHS have conspired to do. Obviously this was to help the DWP as well as Local Councils. As I stated all along in here .. ‘the evil trinity’. But it’s still not a big feature in the mainstream news when it should be a constant feature for weeks, if not months.
Then there was that .. election. I didn’t even know it was on and I didn’t care anyway. People will still vote for the two biggest and corrupt parties. They will still bicker and make fools of themselves in the news studio. It was even obvious that the number voting for Labour would drop a little. Because of the man the uses Prime Minister’s Questions in the House Of Commons to run off a series of sound bites. The lefty overlord that doesn’t give a crap about his own people. Only their control. Well Mr Corbyn .. they only vote for one of two mostly and as I’ve been complaining about for years and .. well you haven’t been able to do that. It’s only one direction, for the love of God.
Yup .. was not interested. Full gone conclusion with the same old sound bites and arguing.
Sometimes I think it’s all the smart people that have stopped voting?
Still, I thought, what does it matter to me anymore?
I’ve tried and tried and tried and get told this is going to happen, that is going to happen .. your going to get help with this out that and then it all evaporates. Time and time again.
Like I said .. as if by design.
Well .. I said I have one course of action but technically it’s two. Well ones that are within my power at any rate.