I do not know how to start.
Despite the fact that it’s not going to be very long .. for once.
I have these .. all too fleeting periods. Periods where I’m not in several difficulties in one period or not a series of other difficulties in another.
One is where I’m very low and feel like my head and my heart are pulling apart at the seams. It’s something very difficult to describe in all levels.
The other is where I’m .. angry .. at everything .. inside. Because I’ve been to those dark places during several separate periods for varying lengths of time. Angry with all those responsible for my predicament as well as those that make my predicament even harder. When they should know to be more supportive and not selfish, egotistical, jobs-worthy, blind and all manner of other things.
It’s been the former for the majority of the last twenty four hours plus and I kind of thought it would have dissipated this morning. Not so far.
Then there are those fleeting .. periods. Periods that I want to remain in. But I struggle to and I’m not anywhere near close to right now. I normally try to do the things I think will get me outta my current situation. My current .. pressures. That’s because this is the only way that I can see of achieving this.
But then there’s the tiredness .. which makes it harder or impossible.
So it’s body, head, heart and as well as all that they’re is this good forsaken tiredness.
The body is several in just pain alone.
Head is .. several.
Heart is a couple.
I imagine seeing two pieces of leather strips together being pulled apart and the stitching unraveling because the pressure is too great.
I often think that if there was a God it would be far, far more humane if I was just struck by lightning. Put out of my never ending misery, so to speak.
Each time some organisation comes along and screws things up either directly or by not doing anything at all. It’s weird, laughable and wildly annoying all at the same time. Then after awhile you manage to scrape or fight your way out of it with very little, can’t think of any .. ever, or no help. But after varying amounts of time and often when you least expect it you end up back in that place again.
In the end you just start thinking, what’s the point?
My own sister said something odd and .. kind of eye opening yesterday while talking on the phone. She was asking me what the current situation was with my daughter’s cervical cancer when she said the following ..
“If I was to tell people everything that has happened to you and your daughter .. they simply wouldn’t believe me”
That statement tells you more than you probably realise. Yes .. it states she thinks it’s utterly incredible and unthinkable but ..
She refuses to tell anyone about us? Because she would be embarrassed? Because they would think that she was lying?!
She wants to try writing a blog about it all!
Then what you have left is people in possession of boxing gloves, spades, binoculars and over inflated egos.
Then chuck in loneliness along with memory problems and you can find yourself cowering in your room in the corner of your current bed. Hoping that your heart stops playing games with you and just .. stops.
Kind of what I’m doing right now and have been for twenty four hours.
Oh how I pray for an end to the endless torment.