THE PAINFUL REPEATS

Damn it.

It has happened yet again. After two days of overdoing it without intending to I am back to being .. in something of a .. well .. state.

I cannot explain what this is like other than it is extremely .. harrowing.

For twenty four hours I have been in a bad way as I was last time this happened and I feel dead tired and extremely depressed. I am ratty and completely fed up with my situation and where I am and in all honesty .. others are not making it easy.

For instance I left the house yesterday and hobbled up to a vape shop after deliberating for an hour or two about whether I would be able to do it and how painful it would be. I am vaping more than usual because I stopped smoking about five days or so ago .. something else I forced myself to do to stop me going .. well, insane. I have to build my money up for various reasons most of them obvious and am amazed with myself for quitting smoking, if I am honest. Though it has not been easy.

So yeah I left the house and managed to get up there and back again and then back into my room which is tiny ..

  • 6ft x 9ft
  • Contains a bed
  • Contains a 29 inch wheeled bike
  • Contains a TV
  • Contains a PC
  • Contains a Laptop
  • Contains Two Cameras
  • Contains a whole raft of lenses, camera accessories in a large security box
  • Contains several camera bogs and a couple of rucksacks
  • Contains a chest of drawers
  • Contains a couple hundred blu-rays
  • Contains various other things
Plus I have a storage area I pay for each month that contains stuff I simply cannot get into this room at all and there is far too much stuff.
Added to this ..
  • TV signal is non existent half the time
  • Wifi signal fecks up half the time, often half way through uploading my photos and videos
  • Living room is out of bounds due to extreme narcissism of someone else affecting my sanity
I digress .. once again.
So I got back in the room, filled my vape tank with the Dinner Lady flavour of Lemon Tart and had barely vaped half of it when there was an ear piercing high pitched shrieking. It turned out to be the fire alarm outside of my room on the ceiling. I waited for someone to deal with it and then gave up, ventured into the hall and I guessed that I had to press the only button? No effect. So I pressed it harder and the noise stopped and the perforations of my eardrums could start to heal.
Suddenly the narcissist appeared at the bottom of the stairs “The fire alarm has gone off” they said before I answered “Yah think?”. She then asked if anyone had anything producing smoke upstairs to which I said I had quite smoking five days earlier, not that anyone would notice .. because they don’t .. ever. Notice anything. I said no before they then said that it must be my vaping, despite the fact that .. well .. they had just watched me walk in the house. I also pointed out that it can’t. Then they disappeared before someone else appeared in the upstairs hallway saying “What is all that noise?” and do not seem to know a fire alarm when they hear one? I said it was the fire alarm and in an odd dig of a statement, I have had about a few things, they said it must be my vaping. “Oh .. don’t you start!” I said before they said “well it must be, what else can it be?!” before I then said “I have been vaping for six weeks here and it has not happened before and I have also only been back in the house for five minutes!” to which they then walked downstairs.
So far I have been ribbed about my vaping, smoking, diet, drinking of soft drinks and even wanting to catch buses. Plus despite never being registered with a Doctor .. they are also medical experts and can tell you what they do not have.
Yeah .. you could be forgiven for forgetting, if indeed you had read it recently, that I came here with the only one registered with a disability .. suicidal, slashes on my arm after finding out that my daughter has cancer, my granddaughter is Autistic to dangerous levels, made myself homeless again trying to help them and live 250 miles away from home and .. my daughter and I have been lied to, not supported nor given any financial help at all, hence my loss savings, and left for dead by the public services that are paid a large portion of the taxpayers money to help people that are vulnerable.
Yeah .. you might think that people could be a little more accommodating and a little less .. ‘diggy’ towards me and even a little helpful? Yeeeeah .. no.
When I compare this to what I just did for four months and that I felt guilty for leaving when and the way I did, even though my daughter and I were victims of a bunch of evil lies and that is from my evil ex, it boggles my mind. Yeah .. they do not appreciate that either and yet I basically get called a selfish twat to my face and behind my back by the narcissistic one that thinks their mild epilepsy is worse then someone else’s terminal cancer?! Yeah .. no kidding there and I so wish that I was.
Of course yesterday the digging was at a time when I was low and the worst part about it is they should not only know by now that I would be down, because of the two days, but one was told as much yesterday morning. Of course I then get a run down of the latest thing that she thinks that she has and I heard her talking to the waster or a partner the morning before as she was reading things out from a webpage from her phone and I heard “See? It causes diabetes ..”
Yeah .. they do not have diabetes.
They have spent a few minutes hobbling around the house with a walking stick .. I mean who does that? I do not know nor have ever known anyone that uses a stick that actually uses it around their own house! Unless your particularly bad with some affliction. You certainly do not walk around with it one minute and then without it an hour later before then using it again a few hours later. Oddly the two times it was used was walking around the kitchen when she had just called us for dinner so knew we would be appearing. The ONLY times I have seen it in her hand. Also bizarrely it has also only appeared in the last two weeks out of six and since I had my first couple bad days and was limping around. It is a competition with her for sympathy .. except she does not get any and neither do I and nor do I want any. In fact even when I am bad and feeling ratty because no one down here has helped and, in fact, has been quite the opposite .. I get annoyed with myself because I cannot do everything  myself. I so hate being independent, or at least I was to some degree, while feeling like I am dependent, because I have trouble doing things on my own.
Right now I am supposed to be going to my storage facility which I still have not sorted out or moved into a smaller and therefore cheaper unit?! Yeah .. over six weeks.
My own daughter who grew up in a strange land does not understand how some people are with me down here. She does not understand the lack of help, lack of understanding and nor the digs I get about things. She certainly does not understand the narcissist at all.
In fact my daughter wants me back there and I would love to be back there .. helping her .. except ..
  • I need money back behind me – court case over that in a couple weeks
  • I still need to do my work – blogging and photography (see below)
  • My equipment can not be kept at my daughter’s house .. my Autistic granddaughter would destroy it
  • I am missing a PC that can edit my photos and videos (spent allocated money helping MY family)
  • It is a three bedroom house and .. there are five of them, I would make six
  • Public services did not give a shit which was how the liar managed to twist things, lie and drive me away
Oh and two important things to note of late ..
  • The media agent is being an incompetent twat and now very obviously dragging his feet after all his fucking promises have been broken and now looking to be lies .. or he has been paid off which even my daughter is now beginning to think ..
  • A GP Surgery refused to register me and to everyone’s shock down here .. umm .. knew my name?!
  • To the last one my social worker friend went mad over this “How can they know your name?!”
To that last point I told my friend “exactly” but that I already knew and he said “Why didn’t you ask them?” to which I replied “Oh yeah, like they are going to tell the truth and say ‘Oh the NHS called around a load of Doctors in the area and warned us you might walk in’?!”
How can a surgery know someone’s name before it is given to them and especially when my last GP is located 250 miles away in Birkenhead and I am in a surgery in Hackney in central London?!
Even my mother was in complete shock by that t the point where she did not try to take over the conversation and said “What? How could they know that?!” to which I replied ..
“I have told you and have tried to tell you repeatedly for a few years now .. I am public enemy one, two and three to the public services in this country”
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