Things are not .. good.
I have been inside this tiny room for twenty four hours and last night .. well it just was not a good night.
I felt out of it all day along with feeling down and as the day and night went on the further down I went. I also did not sleep so I kept going down and in the end you reach that inevitable point. It is odd because I was having something that is not the same as what I call anxiety. Panic attacks maybe? But it was enough to get to that point you always seem to get to .. when yo want it to just end.
I had thoughts about it ending .. but .. hurting someone else is always the thing that is the forefront of my mind.
But I kept thinking that there had to be a limit? Surely you can only endure so much before something else .. gives way? Maybe ones sanity? I would not like that but .. I have to think that maybe losing one’s sanity in times like these is the minds self-defence to the pain?
I tossed and turned until around 6am ish and added to this I kept needing to use the lavatory and .. I must have used it around six or seven times between 11pm and 7am? I started to wonder if I had prostrate cancer and wondered if I would actually care if I did?
You have times in your life when good things happen and you are supposed to cling onto these things and remember these things. Except the only good thing that ever happened to me has had a life more miserable than mine and being put through a living hell. They also have a question mark over their own life as well as ones over their own children. They also have no one other than me to rely on and I have not been great, though not for the lack of trying. Despite my many .. handicaps I have tried to ignore them and this is why I am paying right now. Because I moved and I tried and am even still willing to do it. Unfortunately and like almost everything else in life this cannot be done for free and nor can it be done without help and support. We have none of those three things right now.
I am also not .. being offered help in any way shape or form and it is almost like now that I am here the problem is solved. No .. it is not. I mist admit I thought it would be for the most part. I thought I would be a lot calmer but .. I am not.
My chest felt like it was caving in on itself last night and all through the night and almost up until midday.
God, I get so tired of feeling like this.
I have no energy to do anything and the very thought of trying to do any of the things I need to do just .. makes me want to curl up and die and .. I do not know why. Well I do know why, I just do not understand why one’s own body can work so hard against itself. That goes double for one’s mind too and it is here it is the most confusing. I am consciously wondering using a portion of my mind how another part of my mind is working against itself.
Others do not understand it and it has been suggested to me by someone that does not want to hear about people’s ailments that I ‘eat healthier’. It is frustrating when people make statements like this. It is a lack of restorative sleep that causes my issues, well almost all of them, and that in turn obviously causes chemical unbalance in the brain. That is a chemical unbalance and the only drug is not allowed and this means it would be just as ludicrous to suggest healthy eating could cure or keep down the symptoms of many other things. Health conditions that no one in their right mind would suggest a healthy diet could alter in any way, shape or form.
The house I am in and those that I am staying with do indeed compound my issues and exacerbate my symptoms. I did know they would all be difficult, all three of them, but I had no idea how much so. One is always a pain and always has been the exact same pain while with another it became immediate within a few days things are worse than they used to be. Seeking attention over anything and now with a mild health condition that they claim is worse than terminal illnesses yu cannot say five words without hearing the word ‘epilepsy’ bought up. Well no five words with anything to do with any symptoms that is for sure and they then just want to talk about this one single symptom. One that I have long since been having among many dozens of others. Then I have had someone else gets a bit frustrated when I am on the phone to my daughter. I have told them how serious things are but .. they have still gotten frustrated on one occasion.
Yeah .. so when things get down .. I do not want to do anything, go anywhere and nor do I even want to venture outside the door of the room I am staying in. Which is, I might add, a matchbox.
I will never figure out in a million years what possessed them to design these houses, the two tiny rooms and the absolutely tiny car park. In fact it is safe to say that the very design of this estate is compounding my issues.
Why is it s hard when you have these feelings of suicide?
I will be getting low on pills before long too and the thought of even going to a local GP is driving me insane.
If you cannot do it alone and you cannot get help and you cannot abide living this way .. then what choices are left to you when your feeling like this?
This country really has done a whole series of numbers in its own people that I am sure the historians of the future are going to have a field day with.
Added to all of this is the intense back pain and all the muscles in my legs aching like crazy on and off .. something that the magnesium I have been taking in the vitamin pills seem to be wearing off when it comes to keeping these aches away. That in itself is somewhat .. worrying.
No .. things are not good right now and they went from bad to OK to bad to looking good to OK and now back to really bad. In just five damn weeks or so.