It is a series of stressful days.

What I am both waiting for and praying for is the finality of it and hope that it changes things as far as stress levels go.

Anxiety is a horrid thing .. if the levels are high enough. You do things that are no longer natural or make any sense. But they happen just the same.

What is annoying is not knowing things. You think an event is the source of your issues, plus my dropping savings that are sinking like a stone, but you do not know for sure.

I am tempted to make a big change myself .. to both relieve the stress, well two lots of stress actually, while getting my savings back up. But there is a stumbling block.

What is annoying is I have four months to do this but I am panicking about doing it now. It makes no sense.

But I will have to do something by the end of January 2018.

But that is if nothing happens in the meantime and I wish I had some sort of sign that something will but .. in my experience things simply do not work out. As both my sister and my daughter like to remind me.

I could email a few places to see if I can do it now or if I have to wait for certain .. documents to be returned.

This has not been done because I have been so ill. It has cocked up so many things it simply is not true!

So I have been waiting for the tide to turn on a number of fronts, well five to be exact.

If a month shows none of these working I am going to have to change the tide myself .. and do something I really do not want to do and lose something I not only really need but may become .. an absolute necessity before very long. But that latter part should be known by around mid January anyway. The results of a test .. except there is another that has already been performed and a possible third.

Damn these current day public services .. they are not fit for purpose even for the most vulnerable of society including children with disabilities.

It would be more humane to hand out arsenic pills or something that would kill you without any pain. Day after day, week after week and what looks like year after year of this sort of suffering is just the worst kind of treatment for another human being. Let alone hundreds of thousands of human beings.

Facebook just fills up with horror stories on a daily basis and it does this across a number of different pages too.

The wait is terribly torturous and has had a really negative effect on me in many different ways. I have to do something to buy me more time. Because others have found ways to take as long as they possibly can to save money .. while others that make bit strides and make some big sacrifices just keep on suffering as well as paying.

I thought there would be help .. I thought I heard offers of help from the social services but it turns out they are not helping. Only in certain circumstances and that now sounds like if my daughter gets ill from cancer. They will help her get the kids to school if she gets too ill.

Except she already has issues and a number of them is from having my disability of Fibromyalgia not to mention the cancer scares. There are other .. issues as well.

Two to be exact but I am not about to state what they are but one can be problematic.

I was disturbed to be told that she did not think she would make it to 40 years of age .. oddly I have doubts of making it into my fifties and I am 48!

I am currently waiting to see if the Venlafaxine knock me out the way they did yesterday. It was so strong in doing that I was completely out of it at the heart specialists and fighting to stay awake but was resting on the handle of my walking stick.

I nearly fell asleep as I was having the first scan .. before I had a 24 our monitor fitted.

So today I thought I would leave them, Amitriptyline too, until the evening a couple of hours befpre I normally go to sleep.

I am also hoping that by taking both at night I wont get one of those murderous mornings I recently posted about. Sometimes the feeling can pass after an hour or so but sometimes it persists al day long.

Fingers firmly crossed!


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