I decided to type this out even though I did not feel like it.
I had toilet issues last night, did not get much sleep and woke up with stomach pains and ended up in the toilet .. again .. for an hour. I have to go to two hospital appointments today and try and get a hole of the Doctors Surgery.
I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn’t. I have felt like .. well I feel like I am dying.
My chest is playing up, my anxiety is playing up .. like bloody hell and I feel rotten from still having this flu.
Normally I would not attend a GP Surgery or a hospital with the flu but .. this is killing me and has dogged me now for three months.
This just is not right.
So I am going to beg the hospital to help me .. because I really feel like I am at death’s door .. I really thought my number was up a little earlier and I just wanted it to happen. It is so annoying when you get this low a feeling with as much discomfort and anxiety as this and your body just wont give up. Die in other words.
My heart is pounding through my chest which is odd because in my second appointment I am to have an ECG fitted for 24 hours.
I do not know what the first appointment is for but it will involve some begging.
I did also manage to get a hold of my GP Surgery, after screwing things up last week by not knowing what day it was as per usual.
When I did ring the surgery I was a bit confused, not familiar with their answering messages anyway not being here that long.
The Doctor is going to ring me today but I did warn them I was in the hospital at 2pm. I asked them to make a note of that .. hopefully they wont ring me when I am there and I miss the damned call .. making a second mistake inside of a week!
I am out of some of my pills, you see. Most importantly the Propranalol and Diazepam as despite some others stopping me from dying early .. the statins for my cholesterol and blood pressure pills .. it is the anxiety and absolute dread long with the chest pains, heart palpitations and the feeling if skipped heart beats that are primary to me right now.
I also do not feel safe enough to drive so I am going to walk to the hospital with my trusty stick. Unless something changes between now 9.47am and 1.15pm when I have to leave.
As I stated previously I seem to have had a third appointment made for me for the 4th or 5th January, cannot recall as usual, and not sure what that is about either.
It is a shame that one of my plans did not start to work .. it would have prevented these horrid feelings from taking place but then the same could be said of two public services, the NHS and DWP and now I am at the point where begging is going to be used.
I am praying that a working pill is provided that can deal with the stronger attacks .. but it may be that I need some sort of shock treatment on my heart, I think that is what someone mentioned?
cardioversion or catheter ablation, or surgery – British Heart Foundation
So those are the .. things mentioned though it did also state a pill too.
I am secretly hoping that the levels of anxiety are being caused by the irregular heartbeat and that any pill or procedure will cure it?
If they had found this, or indeed I had spotted it on my blood pressure monitor, they could have sorted this before I moved here. That could have saved me a whole heap of pain and suffering and allowed me to help more with those I came to help.
This .. bloody .. country.
Everything I have ever done seems to have outside things go wrong to screw things up i the worst possible way.
Even the IT market crash just as I got my Degree .. where I was living with a woman who had a history of beating up boyfriends who then continued that tradition with me. Only found out about her history AFTER I left her in Bristol and her sister, till on my Facebook today, told me about it after she told me she was shocked that I had left.
Oddly enough as i was explaining to my daughter .. that is when the Fibromyalgia I already had without being aware of it really kicked in.
A week after I returned to London my feet started to hurt .. well the right foot started to hurt as I was trying to get somewhere. This continued on and I started to ask Doctors about it. Different parts of my feet started to get affected and eventually the other foot become affected.
As it turned out and after 13 years of asking ad with more symptoms cropping up to add to the tally from time to time I self diagnosed it before having it confirmed at Guy’s Hospital. Then as I read about the condition I realised I had been affected by it for around a decade before it affected my feet.
After a horrific event, cannot even remember what it was, the anxiety thing started up. This just kept returning over sometimes stupid things and sometimes without any reason at all.
I so want to plunge a knife deep into my chest it begs belief and I find that so strange .. how can one be suffering so bad that they feel like they want to do that?!
The only thing preventing me from doing that is the fact that I am not alone and am supposed to be helping others.
But the strangeness of my surrounding area along with the fact that I am well aware that my memory can have me confused is making things worse, I have no doubt.
I am even terrified of getting to the hospital on foot .. in case I get confused and .. lost! How stupid is that?!
While back in Enfield I even got confused with places that were familiar to me. Once I even ended up on the wrong side of town and thought “What am I doing here?! I should be several miles away!”
I used to learn areas so fast years go and I have been here previously, been here for three months and feel like I barely know anywhere.
My daughter bought me a diary as a Christmas present because eve she has noticed my bad memory and asks me days after I should have done something whether I have done it or not!
She has the same symptoms, that much I have noticed. But she is not as bad as me and of course she knows this area and grew up in it. But she still gets panic attacks over things .. like her domestic abuser talking like he is getting out of prison for instance.
Just got a call from the Doctor and I am to be there at 11.10am .. a start I guess.