Well to me.

I have some pictures of the kids .. well the backs of their heads as they walked into the living room and see their presents. Half of which I did not expect to work out of the box and the other half not working by the end of the day.

It has come close on both occasions and not quite through the day just yet.

It is about to be vacuumed in here for the third time today already and we still have a couple hours to go yet.

It was funny at one point when the grandmother and my ex, and great grandmother came with their presents. I had vacuumed .. I think? Maybe it was after she left? Cannot recall as per normal.

Just been told someone is getting in the bath because they are tired. I am not surprised in the least.

It was good seeing the kids excited but .. there is so much work .. on yeah?

So the grandmother was around and was picking things up off the floor ad she said “God, I am glad I don’t have to do this anymore!”

I thought to myself “My God, you have been in here 5 minutes, complaining about the state of the floor .. stating that your glad you do not have to do it anymore and I have been here for getting on for three months, heart and chest issues and now one hell of a anxiety ride to boot!”

They handed me a load of toys to unpack and get working when I am stressed out and tired beyond belief, having anxiety attacks and .. still have this damn Aussie flu virus. That was the second time I had been handed stuff. Some robotic toys were bought from Home & Bargains I told them not to bother with because they will be fiddly, complicated and probably wont work. I had already put together a few things when I got lumbered with that one. Prior to the grandmother arriving. One that the council now does not trust. Which is why I came .. because of someone else as per usual and so often happened in the past.

An end grommit to a shaft for a motor would not fit out of the dozes of pieces that it contained within the confines of its box. During trying to figure this out I was then asked to perform two or three other tasks by the same boy I was trying to do this for. It was insane and there are three other children!

Oh god .. I have just been given another one and this one is a car where the first one was a windmill and I think my brain is going to melt, I really, really do.

I spent all day putting on a brave face but due to the anxiety and chest issues playing up and this damned flu I just kept telling myself .. I cannot do this!

I might have to return by the end of January of things do not pick up, up here in the financial part as I am just haemorrhaging money, more slowly than before but still haemorrhaging money.

I just cannot keep it together and I cannot even retreat to my flat and even if I could .. the anxiety now would just drive me insane.

I am feeling guilty because I do not think I am being a help here any longer and the help they need from me is simply not there anymore. My finances .. yes I could sell my car but if I do that I would end up stranded here and not know how in the hell to get back to London.

It is nowhere near how I pictured it would be and I am going to have to tell them that I feel inadequate .. tired and finding keeping on top of my own health a problem.

This business with the cancer scare just seems to drag on and on as does the business with the children being diagnosed. Well life and health issues do not put themselves on hold until public services sort themselves out and nor do they start when the public services say that they start.

Of course there were fights .. but I am told that is how it is.

I am .. stuck when someone says that because I just do not know. Though I did have younger brothers and a sister and I do not recall it being like this. I had friends with children and do not recall seeing or hearing any stories of it being quite like this.

Never heard of a living room that had to be vacuumed three times in one day either.

Maybe I am just not used to it? Maybe I am just getting old?

Maybe I am breaking the rules of my own health condition when it states that I should not be over doing it? I am also not getting light exercise as my bike is back in London?

Maybe it is a combination of some or all of the above?

Added to this is this damned flu which has hung on and hung on. I am not missing those hospital appointments .. of that I am decided. I have been messed about for far too long about things that should have been checked over a year ago. There is an argument that maybe it should have been long before even that?

The difficulty with he children was not expected and as I stated it has gotten worse since I have been here.

But despite the fact I have thought about going home a great deal .. I always feel guilty about it. But I have tried to get help in all manner of ways but it just has not started to happen.

I figure that if it has not shown any sign of anything positive happening by the end of January then it never will. In which case instead of waiting until it is too late and having to require someone else’s help I should plan my return. There will only be a couple of months left on my tenancy anyway by the end of January. I had been told that the landlord had found someone interested in the flat anyway .. bloody typical as I had been told it had been empty with no interest in renting or buying t in six months .. as soon as I am there .. in a matter of a few weeks someone is supposed to show interest in the place?

This is an area where places can go empty for long periods of time, that much is true.

The cooker also id not work and a very nice neighbour, rather cute too, offered for us to use her oven to cook the turkey so there I was in the front garden .. trying to get a defiant autistic two year old to stay in the house while just cooked and piping hot food was passed over to me a but at a time and I ferried it to the dining room. The turkey itself, pork jackets, sausage jackets, flak jackets or whatever they are called along with some roast potatoes and parsnips.

Ooh I must upload the pictures from my phone and upload them to my crowd funding.

Was thinking that maybe every one doubted the validity of the crowd funding campaigns .. what with their being no pictures of children .. or only an old one on one of the campaigns? Stick one or two on for a month and see how that goes?

As for the myriad of presents .. yeah all cash converter and CEX stuff .. well a couple along with some naff things from Home & Bargains. One I could not get to work.

A few people will be gutted if I tell them I plan to return or am just thinking about it.

I am just really suffering, worrying about my evaporating finances, lack of help, flu and .. feeling like a third and rusty wheel right now.

Maybe that will change in time?

Fibromyalgia really turns into a bitch and then you discover no one gives a crap about it .. though ..

.. I was shocked to see that Lady Gaga had it and talked about it in her video Five Foot Two. He exact words were ..

“I do not know how anyone copes with this who has no money”

It was on Netflix .. my daughter put it on.

I must get back to my flat for a night or two and hope that the anxiety does not go wild on me like it did the last tie I tried to do that?


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