CLIMBING UP, SPIRALLING DOWN

This spinning limbo just never seems to end.

That might some like a throw away line but it is the 6th November, 2016 today and the likelihood is that it WILL last between 2 and 6 weeks longer and started back on the 19th July.

Though there is an argument it started long before that. The assessment date I never attended.

That might seem the reason why to some people except for two things.

If your not aware of it every single assessment is a cheat. After all why would my GP now announce out of the blue when I ask him whether or not I am fit for work any more he says it is the job of the DWP?

The other reason is that I have NEVER attended an assessment, at least not for over ten years. I think I attended one in a place called Lisson Grove around 13 years ago when the first of the pains in my feet started to affect me. Except I never realised at the time I was thirteen years away form diagnosing what this was and that it would be ME that diagnosed it. Oh and do not get any stupid ideas about that as it was later confirmed by Guy’s Hospital,, if you did not already know this.

I will never forget the patronising roll of eyes and “Huh” when I answered no to not being assessed for PIP by Judge Miss Mark of the HMCTS … though I myself use the term ‘Judge’ loosely here as in my opinion she was a bade one on a number of levels. Not impartial for a start. DWP not having Doctors and everyone knows it coming in second and the list goes on.

I now realise that there is an absolute NEED for Judges to go through a list with a defendant as to WHAT evidence they have received from you, in are there is a mistake or they are lost in the post.

Now you might ask yourself what is it that makes me state that this is a need? Well because currently it looks like they have booked three separate court hearings with at least two different judges for the exact same thing!

So I am around the ten week mark into the debacle that is the DWP’s major fuck up into trying to cheat me, along with many others, tick me, make me go away and get out of a period of time of paying me nothing. Their lows know no bounds and this has become shockingly evident since I found a list of people that have died by their hands that is over 70 people long.

Still … it takes focus away from the fact that for the last decade or two the UK population has been expanding rapidly and the numbers coming here to live has been outgrowing the expanding and they have built zero, or almost zero, in the way of social housing. Yeah … that was fucking smart!

I bet the EU never thought of that when they were telling everyone what to do?

So my rent is currently around a week late and two months back it was two weeks late! That is actually my biggest concern.

Two weeks ago I was at my Doctors and I asked for my prescriptions and got turned down for that too! Apparently I was early but I have a very difficult time keeping track of everything. I did not check my pills but knew that I had not picked up a prescription for a while and BECAUSE of my memory … well, I asked when I was there.

So what happened? I kept forgetting to put in my repeat prescription until I had ran out of Propranalol, the ery thing that keeps the anxiety attacks at bay.

Friday night and morning I had not taken a Propranalol pill as I had to go over the weekend without any so I had left one single pill in the blister pack. I figured I would go one day without one and take it Saturday, yesterday, and then I only have to go one more day without one. I was more worried about withdrawal symptoms since an episode around 11 or 12 years ago when I forgot to take Venlafaxine for two days. Yup that was how far back my anxiety attacks go and that was in no way the first. The first was many years before that. Yet another thing linked to my Fibromyalgia I was not going to find out for a very long time, this time more than 15 years until I self diagnosed Fibromyalgia Syndrome.

Over the time I have been posting and mentioned my Fibromyalgia I might have given the false impression that I have suffered with it for 13 or 14 years. No. That was when it affected my feet and I experienced what I call ‘Reversed Plantar Fasciitis’. Even the painful Achilles Tendinitis pains went back before the Plantar Fasciitis pain, long before. Back then I only had to be careful coming down stairs as if they were steep I had a 50/50 chance in the snapping pain.

When I had forgotten to take the Venlafaxine I started to feel really, really ill and really, really dizzy. I hod gone out to do a job for my brother while ill, got back and laid on a sofa for twenty minutes when I suddenly realised I had not taken the pills for two days and wondered if it was down to that? I took them and within 30 minutes I felt much better.

This was the only time I was ever affected by withdrawal symptoms and it was enough to make me remain very wary of ever having them again.

So when I ran out of Propranalol I was like ‘SHIT!’

A good example of my memory problem? Yeah well it got better.

I was changing to wearing a different jacket and as I did so I checked all the pockets of the one I was previously wearing. When I did I remembered there were pills in one of the inside pockets I had forgotten about, but did not remember what they were. As I felt them I thought ‘oh these will be Amitriptyline and Tramadol’. Except when I pulled them out they weren’t these. They were more Propranalol.

Now I know what you might think? ‘Oh so you did not run out of pills when you thought you did and the GP was right?’ Umm .. well in a word ‘no’.

You see I ended up in Accident & Emergency at North Middlesex Hospital awhile ago now, a month maybe? When I did I had several things stated to me, one that I posted about at the time was that the DWP should NOT be coming anywhere near me with my medical records and put his head in his hands and stated “What ARE the publicc services DOING in this country?!” The other thing he sis was question WHY my Doctor had given me the Propranalol pills that he did, time released capsules. He gave me to things … one was Daizepam, which helped me get through the court hearing (hearing? Lol) and the other was 40mg Propranalol to go with the 80mg Propranalol I already had. They were intended as an addition to the ones I already had.

Now I had taken these for a few nights then must have thought I was going somewhere overnight and put them on the inside of my jacket pocket. I then totally forgot all about them.

I am really, really bad at taking pills at night!

I am not that good at taking them in the morning either and mostly only remember if I am leaving the house as this seems to spark off something in my memory probably because I have now been doing it so long.

However all this was after running out and missing a pill and Friday night and Saturday morning I felt anxiety and panic. Hmm I am now remembering that someone referred to my anxiety attacks as panic attacks. A medical professional I think but as I have also experienced ‘Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs’ and it specifically states this is because of the strong anxiety that Fibromyalgia can cause then I can only assume that my description was correct.

Annnd this is how it has gone … up and down, up and down for week after week and month after month.

The other thing I do not talk about much is my appetite and I reckon I have lost more than a stone in weight in the first month alone. Trousers I previously could not get on me are now hanging on my hips, lol. This always happens when I have these attacks. It is really annoying for a number of reasons. Buy, hey? At least I spend less money!

It is strange when it happens. I go right off food and the only things that are tempting in any way are things that are not good for you, mostly, and too expensive to buy regularly. Except for one thing provided you do not do it every day.

This happened yesterday when I cycled past a Kentucky Fried Chicken on my way to Sainsburys, bought a loaf of bread and crab paste and then stopped at my local, not KFC, fried chicken shop on the way home.

I can often go a whole day without eating at all. Needless to say my weight is still coming off … just slower than it was previously.

Now added to this is my back pain which just like the head MRI and EEG an x-ray by the NHS found nothing, other than Ospteopenia. But then they went out of their way…no exaggeration, to lay me down on my side in a foetal position to x-ray someone’s back? Funny as when a Chiropractor did it they did it standing up, weight bearing, and found not one but two things!

Hmm .. now THAT sounds familiar? If it does to you then you must have been checking back with this blog a few years and if you have you must have come across dozens of things that sounded familiar? Including things you remember later on appearing in the news?

Yeah well I had an ultrasound on my groin that when I saw the specialist he was “…pleased to tell you the ultrasound was completely clear”. My response was “Umm, what?! My ultrasound? The ultrasound I was PRESENT at?!” to which he then sat bolt upright before I continued “there was a black lump where I am experiencing the pain and a new inguinal hernia on the opposite side!”

I am not going to go into that in depth and how I was kicked off a GP Surgery that refused point blank to listen to the recording of the specialist admitting he falsified the test results.

So my back. I had been sleeping on my sofa for many weeks, something else I end up doing when the anxiety strikes. I managed to make my way back to my bed a few weeks ago. Then I started waking up in the morning with my back pain.

After several more days I started waking up in the middle of the night with my back pain.

The night before last I started to experience back pain before even falling asleep and I grabbed my bath robe, rolled it up and placed it under my right hip as I lied on my side to ease the pain, which it did.

When the pain strikes it does not matter whether I lie on my back or sides it is still aggravated but lying on my back it can be really bad.

Yeah my friend is right … there are a lot of things on my mind I am thinking and worried about that I should not be.

Being messed about and CONSTANTLY lied to by the NHS and its Doctors, while they are paid stupidly large salaries, is what really grates on me when I think now that they want to stand behind all disabled people with a whip!

A fucking WHIP is NOT what is needed. It is GENUINE help, are you reading this Scope? Either give people the medication they need or fund cars!

I need one of two things and I would be able to work full time and I have absolutely HATED not having anything to do! Really, really hated it. It sets of my depression if I am honest and all this has kept me out of aa close relationship for so long I can now never ever have another one.

Yes, that is how bad it has affected my own life … even told that … Judge that but she did not bat an eyelid! If you cannot use that as a damned good reason I simply do not know what you can use?!

I had thought I would get out of all this myself. That was the plan all of 2015 and my vision for 2016 was very, very different from what I ended up with. Such polar opposites it was almost as if it was by design?!

In fact almost every day of this year of 2016 I have told myself it was by design.

I should have been on top of the world and look at this post alone?

I do not possess any illusions to 2017 though the law of averages and little bits of information this year do suggest 2017 will be better?

Though at the moment I am wondering whether or not at some point I simply will not be able to sleep in a normal bed ever again.

Oh but then I can always go to the Doctors about that … oh wait?

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