I have an extremely powerful headache!

Any movement of my head and it is as if someone is beating me with a baseball bat.

I am also down … though I have realised I had not taken my pills but it is not that late to make a difference and I am not sure that any that I do take do even make a difference. I have forgotten them before for a day.

I say this because I am feeling incredibly low.

I have just found out that there has been a second still birth in the family in as many years and hearing news like that does not help. Same person affected too.

I have also just come across some other information I did not really want to and I was not feeling good anyway.

How in the world do these things happen?

I have had another family member upset about the way things are going for them and was on the phone crying just a coupe of nights back. In fact at one point I stated that my family does not have a great deal of luck. I get told that night that one family member is expecting a baby and is five months pregnant and two days later I get told that they have sadly lost the baby.

At the same time I am looking over lists and lists and lists of jobs that I think I cannot do, have searches for part time jobs come up with full time jobs and looking at volunteer work where they want you to supply your own car and/or tools for the jobs that you will do?! What?!

Ooh boy this is just too much.

I feel like I am nose-diving again only this time with this very intense headache that is throbbing like crazy and making me wince.

I have a busy two days and then have to see a damn Jobcoach again. Holy mother of God I could never realise things could be so bad … or so painful.

I also have a concern that I will voluntarily offer my skills but that I will be treated as if it was a paid job and that whoever I work for will not be appreciative of the fact that I am offering my services for free. Well I have this damned memory issue and I am worried it will force me to make mistakes that will not technically be my fault.

I have also ran out of tea bags too and finding it hard to get motivated to get some, with with this killer headache and downward spiralling mood.

Every other paragraph I am clutching the back of my neck from the intensity of the pain I am feeling right now. I also cannot help but think about that damned MRI result on my head I have not had yet and wondering if it has something to do with that? The one thing I was not getting much of and have not really had much of for a long time is headaches. But this one is a doozey and seems to be making up for lost time?!

I would not mind but it is not even in the forefront of my mind right now. I keep telling myself that in a few days it will all look different. But one thing I thought might change now looks highly unlikely due to some news I stumbled across.

There is still the meetings I will have over the next two days and another next week and there is this other organisation I contacted I will be expecting an answer from too.

Oh God, the bloody pounding!

EVen when I stopped and thought about what it must be like for my family members to lose another child … bang-bang-bang goes my head.

Another family member has just had her first child and that situation is a mess I do not envy, though I slightly went through similar things many years ago. Arguably worse and that still haunt me to this day. In more ways than one.

Unless this headache eases off I think I will have to forego drinking tea … oh and food as I do not have any and not eaten much lately anyway.

Oh yeah and my damn weight is plummeting … my currently worn trousers did not fit me 6 weeks or so ago and are now hanging on me.

Perhaps that is why my head is throbbing in pain? Maybe the human mind can only take so much before something gives way? Snaps for one and pain for another?

I keep squeezing the back of my neck really hard, it gives me temporary respite but as soon as I let go and move my head …. BAM!

Called up the Universal Credit phone number about an advance and about this letter on Saturday that stated they were still waiting evidence, despite being told Thursday it had all gone through. What happened? I was told first off that I am being charged for the call, so what happened with the free phone numbers they introduced a few years back? Then I was told “Sorry, the system is down, Call us back in a couple of hours”.

Oh … my … God!

It seems like everything everywhere is falling apart and my mind along with it?!

How can it look like there is a way out one minute and then completely fecked the next? I would not mind so much if it was something I had done.

If I can just get through the next eight or so days, hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel? Only problem is I am actually traversing what seems like several tunnels at once.

Typical that the volunteer work asking you to provide your own tools was linked to the local council, just typical that is.

I do not mind doing volunteer work to help people but not when its a large multi-million spending organisation that simply squanders people’s taxes. That was gardening.

I am applying for positions of Mentor and organisations that help people, like carer organisations. I have a wealth of experience, bad luck and horror stories not to mention dealing with a disability when your being kicked in the gonads. So I figured it might be right up my alley?


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