So then?

I am feeling quite … odd.

It is like one of my limbos … except this one actually feels more like a limbo than any of the others and I feel somewhat … lost.

I have had everyone bar one that normally does contact me over this and a mate is messaging me right now and I told him I have no clue what is going to happen now.

I just feel dazed.

I am also confused.

I simply do not know what to do now. I have some options open to me … but not much in the way of options and I think I will have to speak to a couple of people I have recently been speaking to, to ask them.

One of them will probably prevent me ever going to court again but in all honesty and as I said to a friend .. there is never a chance that I would use HM Court & Tribunal Service ever again, not after that. I have been told by a few to appeal and I told them that, that was the appeal one friend said it cannot be it is too soon. I assured her that it was and I said “Y’know I thought the date was very quick and thought it would likely be somewhere between November and January”

After all the Citizen’s Advice stated it was far too soon for them to send a representative with me, after initially telling me that they would send one. This is why I complained to Citizen’s Advice about their handling of this.

The failure of sending someone as they said that they would was bad enough but they left my dangling on something that set off my anxiety attacks once again which led to my legs not working for an hour, told me they would likely give in or I would win the tribunal which were both wrong.

Also the more I think about the tribunal the more I realise she failed to ask about or mention in passing, proving she simply was not interested.

I absolutely guarantee she is if the brigade that believes the government is right to screw over disabled people to save money. I have absolutely no doubts that if asked privately she would agree with what the Tories, George Osborne and Iain Duncan-Smith was doing. No doubts. You know when sometimes you meet someone and you just get these bloody big signals from them?

This was all about the money too … not the health conditions and I am pretty sure I did not even utter the word ‘Fibromyalgia’ and I am pretty sure she didn’t either.

Not only was I trying to explain my various symptoms to someone who simply did not understand them or the condition she clearly was not interested.

I simply took the whole hearing as an attempt to call me out as a liar on everything.

So according to her, that … judges logic, I insisted on experiencing a group of symptoms for 13 years, though other symptoms were connected and went back far longer, … yes waited 13 whole years before I then decided to turn around and say it was Fibromyalgia.

I waited 13 years before declaring what it was.

Oh and do not forget I managed to fool and manipulate an entire GP Surgery, get sent to Guy’s Hospital and then fool a Fibromyalgia specialist called Dr Kirkham who was based in their Rheumatology Department.

Yeeeah … if I could do all that I would have been a millionaire well over a decade ago … the fucking morons!

I mean … really?! That is the best you can come up with … really?! Jesus H Christ this country really has and is still going to the pits.

I have just had my landlords, plural, here and they were both astounded as I told them what happened at the court. The … lady of the two told me that I should appeal and that this was terrible treatment. They said I should try to fight it. But what with?

I feel very much burnt out right now.

My tank is empty.

Though I did achieve something I had wanted to for a very long time.

Just that I lost my first case and the situation is … well diabolical to put it mildly.

My word … it is going to take me days to figure out what I have to do or will end up doing and that is if I can think of anything at all.

Not waking up tomorrow would be kind of … nice and .. final.

Except I would have to make some arrangements as I have a … very big collection of stuff I would need to … well think of it as passing on the baton. Not really into athletics but I do not what a baton is. Probably spelled it wrong though? Lol.

I swear to God if I was a religious man I would have sworn to God that I had just had a meeting with the spawn of the devil himself.

The funny thing is that many of the support group for Fibromyalgia I was at looked a damn site fitter than me and none carried a walking stick around with them, though this might have changed over the last year. They are under the impression that Fibromyalgia is a bona fide disability and I hope to God if they ever get their money stopped and attend a court hearing that they do not get the … person that I got.

I could have raised my left sleeve and showed her the many scars and slashes on my upper left arm but I literally looked at her and though “you simply would not give a flying fuck!” and so I did not.

Any time I did try to explain something there was this turn of the head that showed disinterest and whether she had decided I was a liar, for whatever reason or agenda, before I entered the room or not she was certainly giving me every signal that she thought I was.

It was plainly obvious to both see and hear that she was not going to listen nor accept everything and spoke to me in a way that has not been done since I was in nursery school or primary school.

If I was to say it was both patronising and condescending it would be a gross understatement. How she could be a judge of anything at all is beyond me. Maybe she spent all her life handling purely financial cases or something? Or just spawned in hell like I stated earlier?

If I am ever forced, and I would have to be forced, to ever attend a HM Court & Tribunal Service … umm tribunal again I am taking crucifies and holy water.

I feel so burnt out and spent right now. I could really become an alcoholic, really I could. At least it would numb the pain better than any of the wrong crap the NHS gives me!

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