It was probably less.

It felt like a lot more.

I had a day of anxiety attacks that ebbed and flowed. A certain phone number was always in the forefront of my mind. I had eaten nothing and nothing to eat. I thought about leaving the house to retrieve some food but I simply did not care enough.

After many videos on super heavy elements and quantum mechanics I got the phone-call.

It was one of my brothers with a serious voice and telling me he needed me to be ready. The phone-call ended.

I had spent the day fighting off anxiety attacks and trying to remain focused and interested in the videos before me. Suddenly everything just .. changed.

I had received a message a couple of days before telling me one brothers mother-in-law who has bad Multiple Sclerosis had been taken into hospital as had my sister, due to give birth for her first time ever.

I sat … anxious and silent.

I thought about that I was anxious about and then the serious tone of my brother’s voice.

Something … somewhere … had gone horribly wrong.

It was not that long ago there was another birth in the family and that one ended up with a stillborn child. Surely this could not have happened again?!

Then I wondered that it might not be the baby but my sister instead? Then I thought about both of them?!

I paced around my messy home.

My anxiety switched its reasons but remained just the same.

I realised I might be out all night … if the worst had indeed happened. Instead of pacing I watered some orchids and my amphibians. That would keep me busy until my brother arrived.

Finishing I then sat down on my sofa to roll yet another cigarette. I took a lung full and thought before actually producing a single tear. Surely my family cannot be this unlucky?!

The phone rang to let me know he was outside.

I walked the path to his car with some heightened fear of what I was about to hear.

It turned out that his girlfriend’s mother had taken a turn for the worse a couple of times and the pressure on his girlfriend and him had lead them both to breaking point. They had also just had abuse thrown at them by a new neighbour whose family seem to think they own a parking space outside their flats. The Police were involved. He had my nephew with him and had to pick up his daughter from school so I came went with him as someone to talk to and some support. I hope that I was.

I was relieved not to be told that someone had died!

My sister is still in hospital and I can only hope and pray that all goes well with them and my brother’s mother-in-law.

I stated at some point inn the evening that I just could not believe the trouble we had been having and it was like there was some shady government plan carried out to release something into the air or water supply. So many things going on or wrong at once.

We ended up at McDonalds and I had an attack of pain in my digestive system. I should have seen that one common and make the mistake I always make. Had no food yesterday and had not eaten today and ended up at McDonalds. A very big mistake I should have learned from long before now, but with everything going on I simply did not think.

If that was an hour it was surely one of my darkest ones.


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