The heart clearly on the sleeve.

Right at this moment as I type this, likely 24 hours before posting, I am inbetween appointments and I mean appointments on the same day.

I met with an assessor at Mind and spent most of it blowing her mind and having her punching the are with a much exhaled “Yes!”

We did not cover everything about me and that usually takes well in excess of two hours and we only had an hour and it was an initial assessment.

She spotted something about me physically.

She came to many realisations about me intellectually that amazed her and I always find it uplifting when people realise that.

To her horror she found out what had been done to me over and over again and in the different ways I was affected.

She reeled in what seemed like a combination of surprise and glee at what I have managed to do with a certain situation I was involved with documented much on here and over for some time and the blogs. She did not ask for the address, like the Doctor at North Middlesex Hospital did, so her punching the air was something of a surprise.

Maybe I will get asked for it at a later date?

Maybe they already knew of my blog and had wondered if it was me and why she punched the air?

Hmm that would be very cool.

I do not exactly hide my real name on-line … tooo many sad and bad people do that and gives off the wrong signals. I do however, have an on-line nickname and … well … that is pretty much obvious what it is. Lol.

Nearly forgot my rent, yes I finally have it, and had to jump off a bus before it carried on its journey! Damned fibrofog is a pain in the arse.

Did a bit of a hobbled journey home that has buggered my legs and feet and made me feel 80 once again. I did this to switch to my bike for the remainder of the day and to get to my second appointment.

I cannot help but think of the times my life has been documented. I am sure that there will be more times over the coming weeks? There may be more in the coming days arranged before even the end of today?

In fact I am even sure a report is being made about me to be passed on? Judging from something the assessor said to me.

In times on many occasions my mind has been documented. Each of those times they were many things not known.

I feel so tired.

Almost always so tired.

Journeys I make and places I go. Each time looking for answers. Each time like an outstretched arm from the darkness. Hoping for someone with a light.

Fast forward me suddenly waking up wondering where I am and realising I have a little over half an hour to get to my second appointment, that was actually scheduled for ten minutes earlier than the time I had I my head and I am back home.

“I hear you have been to A&E?” I am asked by the GP.

“My God, they work fast! I was not even they told GP’s anything.” I answered. I have never been to hospital in my life and then have a GP mention that I had been to one. Ever.

I had made the appointment to ask about the Diverticulitis Colonoscopy which I am told yet again has actually been referred. I did think he had said this last time I asked him a month or likely two months ago. My memory, you see? He did the fingers in the waste and asking you to cough, thing, where he has something hit his fingers which should not happen apparently. I get a popping there rather like a hernia, though in my right waist I am not familiar with any hernias that occur there and I pretty much thought I was familiar with every type of hernia. I have two and have had one repaired, you see?

I did tell him I had been to Mind earlier that day and when he asked how it went I said I think I blew her mind?

I had told him that I had been having troubles for sometime but am so fiercely independent and I might mention it but I never push hard for it. Help, that is. I did, after all, mention to him that I needed help and he suggested I speak to Citizen’s Advice. I now remember that we spoke about that at Mind and they said “Why would you talk to Citizen’s Advice about that?” with a confused look and grin and I said “I know, right?” before I then said “Well they will just do about anything to save money or stick to what they have been told to do by the NHS, corruption and all that” and she said something about how terrible it is in the UK.

Blimey. It is only Thursday and from last Saturday onwards I have had one, very good, nurse, one, also very good, Doctor and now a Mind assessor all state about how bad things are in the UK?!

Blimey! Maybe the message is getting through and it IS sinking in?

Wonders never cease!

AS strange as it may sound … hearing these three people say these things has actually had a positive effect on me, without me realising to begin with.

I think part of my problem within the annals of my mind is knowing the truth but thinking that I am so utterly alone and feel cast adrift on a vast ocean and feel the only one.

I was asked if I was getting any counselling and I said that I was but I was told I would have a bit of a wait. I do not know whether that was a kid of do not expect something imminent and would be a couple of weeks or another six weeks like I waited for the assessment?

As well as the DWP now asking me for a second assessment in just a few months, despite the fact that there is now going to be a court hearing, I have had a phone-call from the DWP to say they are sorry but they seem to have lost my claim for ESA.

Remember this is with me doing everything I can and even getting advice from the Citizen’s Advice Bureau. So no doubt in around a months time I will have my Personal Independent Payments stopped and there is a race to see if the ESA will pay me money before that takes place?!

Hmm … did I mention the GP? Looking surprised at the fact I have already had an MRI and the results coming through in as little as two weeks?

God, I am tired.

Surely life is not meant to be this bad or hurt this much?

My life currently is an absolute polar opposite to what I thought it would be this time last year. With everything that took place last year I thought I would be riding it high during 2016 and that whatever time I had left in this world would be a damn site easier. But no.

Oh and would you look at that? I have just right now had the court date come through the door and it is about the same time that I will lose my PIPs, or shortly after the court appearance.

You know I took one look at the letter and the court date and I just got this really unnerving feeling and a thought crossed my mind. I hope it was just nerves but I thought ‘They are corrupt too, I am going to get screwed’.

Perhaps it was the rapid date and the lack of any mention of their previous serious error in stating I was losing my PIPs before I even received a letter for the assessment of PIPs? The fact that the court date will occur before I have even had my ESA application processed is something of a concern too.

I am getting stress out right now as I have been looking for the letter of the assessment request by PIPs to attach on this post but cannot find it.

Oh, turns out I already scanned it.

Oh well, looks like I will finally get my wish to see of the courts are up to no good too, well at least this … small tribunal? But one small court being guilty brings the rest of them into question, right?

God, I cannot keep track of all this!

One thing at a time, Martin. Neurophysiologist next and it is probably curtains for me anyway judging how bloody rapidly the NHS have been moving over my symptoms and head MRI?

Part of me still hoping that something terminal is found to force all this to be over. May sound extreme but it has literally gotten like that and my recent anxiety attacks along with their intensity has made me realise this will just keep on repeating until I find a way out of it.

Unfortunately my books and the blogs were supposed to be a way out of all this, with the help of a little court case that was supposed to end at the end of 2015, but it seems that was not to be.


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