What a day I am having.

I feel like I have been on cruise control while my brain has been in some nether region of my mind I am not familiar with. Even my pharmacist commented on my … vacant … look.

Going to the Citizen’s Advice was a complete waste of time, apart from the fact … hmm … I am having trouble pressing the keys down on my keyboard? They feel … tougher.

Yeah they would not let me in, despite the fact I have a case, and told me they wont deal with me on the phone? I have to take a ticket at 9.30am and I guess hang around they way it was working twenty years ago?!

Except I was asked to go back to let them know how it went on or if anything changed? Weird. They expect people to take tickets and hang around doing nothing just to let them know how things went for their statistics? Weird.

There was even a row on the return bus between the driver and an African woman, driver claiming she had nothing on her Oyster Card while to passenger claiming that she had already swiped her Oyster Card and had a go and stated she was going to report the driver.

I spent the day daydreaming about what options I have left to me. That was all I wanted to hear from the Citizen’s Advice but after two meetings and a couple of attempts to see someone I still do not know what they are.

I am not going to Brentwood. I cannot go to Upper Holloway from Enfield and I am going to court over that and they know it, so why suddenly ask me to go five times the distance? Something would certainly go horribly wrong for me if I attempted that journey and I would certainly suffer badly. So it is going to go the way it always goes and I ask for a Home Visit that they either say yes to and then do not turn up, three times in a row, or they will just refuse or mention a taxi. To which no one on benefits can afford and God only knows how much the fee would be to go from Enfield to Brentwood. Hmm let us see?

It is 21.2 miles if you went by car and around the M25 motorway. Of course no one on benefits, save those that get cars under mobility allowances, which I do not and only have a Freedom Pass, can go by car or even own a bloody car.

You would have to travel right into London to a mainline station I imagine and then a long journey out to Brentwood. God only knows how far the building is from the station. I know people that were asked to go to Colchester, might have been Chelmsford, from Hackney which is central London more or less. I told them not to bother, they will only refuse them Personal Independent Payments anyway. These things are rigged and only exist to make the British public think they are doing things properly and fairly. Even then they argue that if you got there you can do a full time job, though where the logic is in this escapes me and always has. If you do not go they refuse you too and once again only God would know what logic they use for that excuse?

I feel like I am in a daze, have done all day. You do all the things you are able to, contact the people you are able to, go through these horrible limbo periods of not knowing and at the end you end up five steps further back than when you first asked for help!

I spent a lot of the time wondering how I might get by with a part time job and where on Earth I would find one or if I was capable of doing something part time?

I spent much time picturing myself sleeping on park benches and trying to picture a place I could sleep, where I would go during the day and where people that are made homeless actually go? At least here in Enfield?

What I also thought about which always infuriates me is how this is all been happening for years because they wont give me the proper drug of Sodium Oxybate for my condition. They will not even allow me to try the next two drugs on the list that are a best fit for my condition, Milnacipran and Pregabalin. Even today I picked up my repeat prescription and once again there was no Methocarbamol on either of them. Despite asking for it and despite coming off Tramadol at the request of the neurology specialist at Chase Farm Hospital.

God I suddenly feel tired and I am also getting that sleepy feeling that is so hard to fight off. How I wish my body would just completely shut down completely and put an end to the nightmare.

Oops, I fell asleep.

Now I have to bloody well go out and get stuff!


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