THE RETURN OF THE ANX

Yeah well I was worried about that zombie like feeling I was having earlier. I thought it seemed a little familiar.

I am having the anxiety coming back.

I have been sitting here zombie watching YouTube videos I am not even interested in and I have noticed my Internet runs out tonight, great timing.

I was meant to go out get some tobacco from the local store but I cannot seem to … drive myself to do it. Feck! God, I hate this shit I really do.

I dated someone years ago that self-harmed. I did not know a great deal about people doing that or why and always thought it was somewhat odd. However whenever I have had periods of anxiety since then,, that were bad, I wondered if self-harming would actually help? I thought that maybe in instances whereby something being wrong caused an overload of feelings that the mind cannot cope with that the self-harming might be a way to … counter act these feelings?

Well it kinda does … momentarily it seems.

I was suffering and panicking that the anxiety would get worse, in which the panicking probably performs another case of self-fulfilling prophecy type thing, when I spotted a pen-knife near where I sat.

I decided to put things to the test and went for the top left shoulder around my Deltoids The knife is not very sharp and take some … effort.

This came about because despite being able to experience very intense pains … there are some things that affect the mins that can be greater than most. There are a few things that have cause so intense pain that it would not be wanted … by any sane person that is. Or really anyone at all now that I think about those pains.

Ugh.

Just thinking about the MRI as I had a call on an old number I have not used any more and I answered it and it turned out to be the hospital where the MRI is being done. It seems they wanted to move it forward slightly. Not a good sign that. Not put it off until the next available day but bring it forward. Not something I have ever had done before, normally when they have wanted to change something they postpone it a couple of days to a couple of weeks.

It is just that I did not sleep good the last couple of nights and I got an immediate depressing feeling wondering whether I will get to the appointment on time? It is a better time than I previously had which was 5.45pm … just early enough that there is a slight possibility of a problem.

Of course this is far the MRI on my head. Ordered due to very frequent blackouts and a full on seizure and though I had just one where I fell completely unconscious I have managed to stop several others by feeling a strong one coming on and dropping my body, to a crouched, seated or just low position sometimes even on my knees.

Along with the irritation on my forehead above my eye socket, pain within my eye socket, hearing problems and nasal problems I have had for a very long time the collection of symptoms do not look good. I have even had stomach cramping really bad and actually read somewhere that this symptom can also be linked to the possible brain tumour? God knows how that one works?

The funny thing is I am not majorly concerned about having something that is terminal and that very likely sounds completely mad.

But the way that I feel right now and just as I have felt in the past like this … you just want it to end. I can honestly say that each time I have been like this I thought it would never happen again once I had gotten through it and that even if I did experience it, it would not be as bad as the last.

But I have not only gone on to experience it all over again but it has been worst with each following experience.

I mean … my legs shut down for Christ’s sake.

When that happened I was shocked on one level but then when I had a chance to think about it and analyse it I was not really that surprised at all. The levels of anxiety were cataclysmic. You cannot do anything and you cannot enjoy anything.

You might take it for granted by thinking about a film that is coming out in several months time that you desperately want to see? Or there might be a computer game coming out you desperately want to play? It could be something else linked to a hobby you have? A doll, a remote control car or plane or even a book? When your fanatical about something sometimes you cannot think of anything else. It is like Doctor Who fans that cannot wait for the next series to be aired.

Imagine for a moment something that affects you this way? It might even be a sports car or something? Just think about the various things that would have you pumped up and excited until you got your hands on whatever it is you want or see what you cannot wait to see?

Right then … now … could you imagine anything ever managing to dowse those feelings?

I have many of them from gaming to music and even scientific discoveries.

I recently got the Radiohead album A Moon Shaped Pool but have not got as much pleasure out of it as I normally would and did not even get it until it had been out a couple of weeks!

Well there is a game I really am fanatical about playing and it has been out and I have no plans to buy it, Deus Ex Mankind Divided. I loved the last one.

I have not watched any of my blu-ray movies for a few weeks. In fact in the last 6 weeks I have probably watched three, the Transformer movies. For some reason, lol. In that time it would normally be between one and two dozen of my movies. Plus I would have purchased three or four and yet I have bought none for a couple of weeks and in the last 6 to 8 weeks only bought Batman v Superman and did not enjoy that as much as I would normally have done.

You start to wonder what the point is. You start to wonder if your going to be living somewhere and not having some threat you can do nothing about looming above you and your life.

The worst part about it is that you do not want to feel nor think like this but you cannot control it and it controls you.

Worst of all, as some readers may have even learnt for themselves, is that you try to talk to friends and family and they just say “Well don’t think like that” and you feel like answering with a sarcastic “Oh well fuck me, why did I not think of that?!” Worse still is whenever you talk to a medical professional and they tell you stuff like that. Or tell you to occupy yourself by doing something you enjoy?! At that point you realise hey either simply do not get it or are complete idiots.

In the end you either try not to talk about it, avoid people so that you do not end up talking about it or you try very hard to hide the deep fear and anxiety you are experiencing. Engaging in light conversation when your heart fells like its clenched like a tight fist and being pulled apart in all directions at once.

Along with the intellectual side of things it is another area where I, or you might even, long for talk with someone … anyone that understands.

So yeah when you think you might be told you have a shortened period of time to live when you feel like this you can easily imagine yourself saying …

“Yeah, whatever. Just give me the letters so I can stop the DWP and Local Council from sticking the knife in and twisting it!”


Any enjoyment or pleasure that you could have from anything in life will just get drowned out completely by the sheer anxiety and fears you experience.

According to books I have read and research done Fibromyalgia affects your ‘Fight & Flight’ responses to which case I might have two or three guys wanna fight me and I will say “Alrighty then!” but then something such as these faceless wankers at the DWP and Local Council doing something to you and you fall to pieces. This can either be extremely fast or might gradually come over you slowly. There is no lesser of two evils with this one. You either feel like you have been hit by a Locomotive or you feel something building up slowly, realise what is coming and start to panick and eventually panicking over when it will level out and will ever stop.

But there is a point … a level. Once traversing past this point everything in your world just melts away into insignificance. This horrid feeling along with the waiting and not knowing just takes over everything.

You start to look for help, you start approaching people and in the first times people experience this they think “Oh once I speak to my Doctor everything will be fine, he will give me a pill to take” but when that does not work you think hospitals, psychiatrists and all these help and advice group that there are so many of it is ludicrous.

I myself have already been through the GP and been given Propranalol and today is the first time that the anxiety seems to have bled through. Maybe I just need a slightly higher dose,, but this does not bloody well help in the here and now!

I have also contacted a few people and have even filled out a homeless persons form … umm thingy with Enfield Council as they seem to take over 3 weeks to answer and I look like I will be homeless in four.

I have also contacted a couple of other organisations to do with being homeless and … well I just hope they are not like the Citizen’s Advice where they expect you to jump through very small hoops?!

And that is most likely why people self-harm? Because overloading emotions, fear and feelings are not going to hold back until someone decides they are going to do something or help you?

Suffering Patient: “Doc! I wnnd to this and I want to do that and I want to die! I cannot stand this feeling for a minute longer!”


Doc: “That is terrible … come and see me in four days time.”


Patient thinks ‘what the feck! I will likely be dead by then?!’


In the end and once you have had these things long enough, provided your still alive, or you have had them return enough times you get forlorn. You start reaching out and asking for help but you know in the back of your mind that all the times you did this previously it did not come to much and took forever to get there.

More terrible examples of the overpaid people of various public services trying to save us money by making us suffer I am afraid to say.

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