A DAY OF HOPE

Well I call it a day of help but I have this terrible nagging in the back of my mind that continues to be negative.

Today is the day when things could change back around in my favour and I hope it will do so because it could, should, mean the end of the anxiety. Except for that nagging in the back of my mind I have had the last couple of weeks.

It could turn out to be a blessing in the oddest of disguises.

If things go very well and they would have to go very well, it should give me a massive boost that should propel me. I am already thinking that if my feelings get a lot better from a good day then hopefully I will be back on my drive to get out with my two new cameras to get lots of content for my other blogs and my YouTube channel.

Except I see raindrops for the first time in weeks and the weather seem to say we were going to have a couple of rainy days. Still, I am thankful for the cooler temperatures as it was only compounding everything. But it might take a couple of days for the thoughts and feelings to get back to normal anyway and for the anxiety to go completely, I just do not know.

Of course this is all replying on the fact that I get the first actual help after asking for the umpteenth time and over a ten year period.

I have lived here for 9 years and for a couple of years before I lived here I had asked for help for similar things. I would wager heavily that I have made over 200 approaches for help in thirteen of fourteen years and there have been times even before that I have requested help.

Going on ratios when it comes to receiving help from anyone I have had zero percent and when I have helped myself it has been a poor success rate of probably less than fifty percent, though in the recent past this has improved somewhat.

There ave been five legal challenges against me and every one of them has failed so you would think that this time I should be full of confidence? But I wasn’t, got struck by the dreaded anxiety and no one was more surprised than I was.

One way or another I need to actually do something about this condition of mine because it is clear it is not going to go away. Mind you that could all become academic after next month depending on the outcome of the hospital thing. I might not have long to live or might be epileptic and even if it turns out to be the latter it could stop my cycling. That would not be good to live with, let me tell you as I basically survive on cycling during the warmer months when I cannot travel by bus or train.

Ooh my first cup of tea in many days.

Just been looking up what other causes could be behind my seizure and blackouts and I had seen various types I had never heard of and a couple of no-epileptic seizures called PNES and NEAD where the ‘NE’ stands for Non-Epileptic.

I do no know about either of these but my money is on me NOT being epileptic because of when it is tat they occur. It is always from rising and until lately where I was just standing upright from leaning forward a few times have always been from crouching or a sitting position and standing up. It is not spontaneous or random. Almost always occurs from around midday until around 5pm for he most concentrated occurrences. Indeed this is why the GP thought it was Postural Hypotension but they were so strong and I was on the verge of collapsing so many times that I had my doubts about that. Though I never thought of looking up if Postural Hypotension can actually do that ..

Te worry for me is that the fatigue and lack of drive had been kicking in long before the trouble with the DWP started brewing. It was something I had planned to bring up with the GP, despite him having only just become a GP, when the anxiety struck.

I have my list of 7, or might be 8 now, reports printed out and stapled together where they need to be sitting beside me.

I will take all of the reports with me and see what they are interested in keeping a hold of. The reports are for a variety of people I will be seeing over the next four to six weeks. As stated before my memory has been bad a very long time and slowly getting worse. SO I cannot always think of things which as probably screwed up a lot of meetings and appointments if I am honest. It has been amazing how many people do not take this into account. Including friends.

Damn! I just remembered my old phone. I forgot to charge it last night, remembered this morning and then forgot about it again, really that is how it goes, and after being awake for over 3 hours remembered it about 20 minutes ago and then forgot again. I just turned to look at where it is meant to be charging and was not there. So the whole time I have been typing this out, every ten or twenty minutes or so, I had not remembered it once. I forgot to charge my new phone too but that takes only about 20 minutes to charge fully, often less as it is still always 50% to 90% charged from the day before. Without using, my old Moto G runs out almost completely, or does in the middle of the night, and seems to take 2 to 3 hours of charging to get to full. Still I only need enough battery power for the phone to stay in standby for around 5 hours. Or in other words, until I get home.

Really it is mainly because of one phone-call that never seems to come though others might not have my new number as I may ave forgotten to give everyone it. Oh like my landlord! I must do that!

Having serious issues with my ‘H’ key among others. Keeps missing keystrokes and I seem to get letters in spellings the wrong way around. Been happening for some months and is somewhat … worrying what with the other symptoms pointing towards a possible brain tumour, lol. But that is something that will be looked at in two weeks time. Well .. a little less than two weeks and I have a report for that! Lol.

Will NEVER buy another keyboard from PC World.

Sometimes when you have too much time to kill before an important meeting or appointment in can be a pain in the arse. Been debating whether to go to it by bike or bus but I do not want the bike getting stolen, it is a somewhat higher crime area than that where in live by several levels, lol. I thought about visiting some friends beforehand but would be too much. I have been on the bike for three days solid so hopefully the being on foot should not be too bad. Fingers crossed.

I think that may what has been diminishing my drive, at least partly? Lately even the shorter distances I do ave seemed like a ten mile hike for each and every one of them. I think about shopping and then think about the journey to my nearest Sainsburys and I think ‘Ugh!’ It is why I got my old bike out as I am simply not doing things and going places, not that I have a lot to do and I stopped window shopping 6 months ago when a line of communication became cut off. As I have said many times, weather been crap and I ave been .. apprehensive of even doing my work at closer distances since that full on seizure. The thought of damaging the new cameras does not help either! I am hoping for a pill that will result from the hospital appointment that I can take around midday which will stop any blackouts or seizures from occurring? I hope and pray.

Of all the lists of things one would have to hope for and worry about mine are .. starving to death, being made homeless, becoming unable to walk and dying from a brain tumour in that order. Though if the first three start to look likely or even become fact the last would be a blessing.

Hmm August and September this year, 2016, already look to be the most two bizarre consecutive months of my entire life?!

If you had not worked it out, or more likely had it long before you read this, I have a meeting with Citizen’s Advice today. Whether this will lead to any more meetings I do not know but I also ave a Neurology appointment in a couple of weeks. Then another meeting of Minds in early September and whether anything else, oh crap local council .. must do that tomorrow, will occur I do not know.

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