DAY OF BURNING

Whoa I thought I was going to pass out today.

The heat was unbearable for me.

I felt light headed as I limped along to Sainsburys to get some form of food in the house. I then lumbered around Sainsburys then headed home. By the time I had crossed the main road just outside Sainsburys I thought ‘I am not going to be able to do this?!’

I walked across a park and I had to stop several times.

I thought I was just going to pass out.

I had put on three lots of factor 15 sun cream but I kept sweating profusely and it was just running off. In fact I was at a friend’s house for a couple of hours before attempting Sainsburys and 15 minutes after getting there I leaned back on the sofa and he exclaimed “Ewww! Not the sofa!” and I asked what was wrong, thinking something unpleasant had been left on the seat and I had laid in it?

“Your soaked!” he exclaimed again before I said “Oooh no it has evaporated now”

He had noticed how absolutely soaking wet I was from sweat and I said “see? This is what it gets like and it does not need to be this hot either!”

I was wearing a baggy sports vest and shorts too.

It was the worst kind of heat for me … sudden and humid!

There I was dragging my arse back to my house, stopping every now and then to lean on my walking stick will leaning towards the ground wondering if this was the time I was going to pass out?!

Jesus..if I had known I would have not gone out. I had made it to a shop I wanted to get to yesterday to buy some coils for my vape tanks. Even that was hard at 9.45am it was already hot. By the time I had gotten there I had decided I was not getting on another bus while it was this hot. One of the guys at the store was hiding a grin and I asked him “what?!”. “Nothing!” he replied and I guessed it was at the amount I was sweating.

People were fanning themselves on the bus but nobody had sweat soaked arms like I had.

After too long a time I will eventually get used to it … a little. I will still sweat but it will be less unbearable than today. Erm .. I think!

Bit of a pause there, like 12 hours or more, sort of ran out of steam.

Now it is the following morning.

Speaking of steam .. god this weather .. it seems to want to punish you one way or the other does it not?

Got a surprise this morning with some anxiety and panic. It is really weird this crap as it just seems to run under its own power and can go off at a tandem. The deep seated fear is losing control but the panic and anxiety seems to just kick in and when it does you feel as if you have lost control and this makes the anxiety even worse. It is a vicious cycle of ever decreasing circles. The anxiety fuels the fear of not being in control by losing any ability to do anything.

Maybe this comes from being on my own for so long and having to fend for myself with nothing in the way of support? Physically or emotionally?

Even when I have answers I am never happy and maybe it is because those answers do not provide me with a clear path? I am always looking for more to see if there is some chink in the amour I am presented with?

It also does not help that I have become someone who is also fiercely independent because I suffer with something that hampers this in a big way.

Out of the people I lost that I could talk to there are two I would early love to ask questions of that presented similar symptoms to that which I do. But then I ask myself if the answers would be able to provide me with the necessary information to be able to reach new conclusions and show me different paths?

Often in my life it has just seemed that the worst possible things take place for what was unfolding and most of the time I did not even know it. But it happened enough of the time that forced me to question a number of things. Like with the number of people, from a mathematical perspective, that exist today it stands to reason that there will be those that live their lives scarcely putting a thing wrong without even realising it? To us it would seem that there is someone that we perceive to be almost born lucky? Maths dictates that if there is one person at the top of the scale there must also be someone at the opposing end of it?

As an example if I was aware that there was a chance that my soul could return and there was some choices in the matter but had to come back I would choose anywhere but a life in London. Little did anyone back in the seventies that in a few decades time things would rapidly get worse in London, far more crowded and quite so expensive. I had no idea that there was a segregation of groups and that one group would be treated far worse than many others. Even when it occurred there were factors that were not very nice but went in your favour to actually get treated fairly it still made no difference to those treating the groups badly.

This results in feeling ways that contradict the drive to survive .. because you lose the will to do that quite literally. The feelings are that intensely bad. I think about those that ave never had these feelings and I think about just how bloody lucky they are and the fact that they do not even know that they are lucky.

I wish to God they made a machine so that everyone could feel these things. Then someone that can dish out bad news has to be forced to be wired up to the machine, it switched on for ten minutes and then the person told ‘imagine feeling like that for 24 hours a day for weeks or months on end!’

Then imagine that you would like to explain these possibilities to someone when you are going to meet them and yet you have a constant and frequent memory loss where you forget to state certain things that you planned to?

When I was told my housing would become affected I have been kicking myself for week, feels like many weeks, that I did not ask what would happen. My mind should have been consciously aware of the threat of a return of my old anxiety attacks but I did not think to ask. I just said “oh, right”. I did in fact send a couple of emails a few days later when I had then become a wreck but I got no answer. In fact when it came time to phone them when they had told me to they actually thought I had done something they had told me to when I had in fact had not because the Jobcentre had prevented me from doing so.

I have a letter with an appointment on it coming from Mind. Cannot believe I am going to be meeting them again, much different location, after over 20 years. Wait until they get a load of me.

I also wonder whether or not Citizen’s Advice will suddenly realise one ore two things in our next meeting next week?

I only hope that they tell me of the paths I have been looking for that everyone keeps shutting the door in my face over? Otherwise what is the point?

I hope the days where the belief of talking about it makes everything go away? Because it does not and was never going to in a vast majority of cases. If I wanted to talk I would buy a Budgie.

Despite my generous applications of factor 15 sun cream I did get a bit burnt yesterday … well you cannot stop going out just because the sun is in the sky and it is hot, you need to do things as many of you will appreciate. I just hope the burnt bits were not too bad and I can get out of the house?

I really hate sitting around doing nothing but I struggle too find things to do and the weather was recently crap and now that the sun has finally decided to come out and show its face it is far, far too damned hot! I am sure that something like this happened last year too?! I distinctly remember things going from crappy clouded over days to sunny and searing heat?

The problem is I have to cycle to do the things I really want to do, enjoy doing and need to do … I like killing three birds with one stone. Cycling is the light exercising I need to do for my Fibromyalgia as well as being something I thoroughly enjoy and added to that in recent years I have managed to make it … productive too by taking cameras out with me and taking photos and filming wildlife I am always looking out for anyway. Plus when I was the the insomnia years I used to stand a 50/50 chance of actually falling asleep in the early hours of the morning instead of around 3am to 6am. So I was killing four birds with one stone for a long time and how many people could claim to be able to do that? Still in the same bloody rut though.

It is supposed to be bloody hot again today but right now I see a thin layer of cloud.

I was hoping and waiting for a few weeks of sunny weather around 21 Celsius without wind and no distractions or any threats of impending doom. Instead I have had rain, wind, roasting Fibromyalgia hating searing heat with two threats of impending doom. Go figure.

I think that emergency paramedic was surprised I was on my own and had been a long time, good job I did not tell her how long I had been on my own. I fear I might have had to use CPR! Lol.

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