A MORBID FUTURE

Have had some anxiety today and some restlessness and with nothing to do, other than go out and buy tobacco which I am trying hard not to do! Not as bad as previous but unwanted and worrying all the same.

I was writing a post about something I found a distraction while I had some other serious issues going on.

I bet you would find that no matter just how disabled someone is, except the most extreme cases, that they get things done and then sit around for days waiting for someone else to do something?

My own present problem is the fact that I have no confidence in something but that this ‘no confidence’ thing is actually quite widespread in many things. Whenever anyone thinks anything about any given situation it depends on a number of things.

  • The sincerity of those they are dealing with

  • What they have experienced before

  • What they are told or assure

These are three very basic principles but three principles that I for one have noticed very few take into account.

The feelings of both panic and anxiety stem from fear and yet when they occur not many people seem to be well seated to be able to deal with them for you. Their attitudes normally revolve around some self belief or even over confidence in their own abilities. Yet these are never put across to the people that need help.

On the merry-go-round I am on this time I have noticed this and I have realised that what people need are assurances or examples that show success to show that the worst case scenario is not very likely. Of course the reasons why they are not likely are key here.

This becomes a far greater drag when you have a number of other things you have to contend with each and every day and even worse when there are possible blips on the horizon.

  • Two health blips on the horizon, each with its own possibility of being terminal

  • Degenerative health blips aplenty occurring from monthly to daily

  • The feeling of impending doom of being without a home before long

I had one of my brothers find out yesterday what has been going on with me for a couple of weeks now and he said something strange. He works running a Ford car showroom but said ..

“I don’t know what they are playing it but I keep hearing they have been kicking people off for six weeks then taking them back on?!”

I thought that was strange as I was not aware he knew anyone that was claiming any benefits and I only know one other person and that as only happened to him of late. He was a social worker for Camden Council for 15 years then worked for an antique watch shop in Farringdon Road for a number of years until they had to let him go due to the recession.

There is a local sufferer of mental health who has a habit of latching on to me, there is a community of them in a building nearby, but you can hardly ask him about these things.

I have grown to dislike my life and I do not like sitting around doing nothing which is why I blog on so many blogs when I am at home and out with a couple of cameras on my bike when I can and weather permits. Not a great deal of late that is for sure.

I always feel like I should be going out and doing something. I do ave an overactive mind that always wants to be doing something too.

But after the recent singling out of me by the DWP for the umpteenth time I now feel like there are several things I should be getting out the house and doing every single day. When your not doing this or you simply do not know what it is or what more you can do it makes things somewhat … anxious.

But no one seems to get that.

For all these help groups and charities no one seems to understand these three basic things I have listed and no one caters or plans for it. I would imagine they have all these procedures they follow and all these protocols and I wonder if actually dealing with the victims problems comes into these steps at all?

It may be that they simply cannot? Though I doubt this would be the case in every instance and surely if there are contributing factors this makes a difference to it all?

Well I have several contributing factors and I have not had the slightest evidence that anything is different so far.

I spend my days wondering when the day will come when it does?

I have been in this situation roughly around two weeks, since I first approached people for help and advice.

Granted I had been in this situation several times before and all shown in the archives of this blog but they all went very differently. I have no idea why this time and at the worst time it got so extreme.

It may well be that this fizzles out to nothing now but that does not help me right now and I have literally a few days left before I find out. Though I got a text message on a very old phone number not used for years that a decision is made on the 20th July, so three days. But when this decision gets to me I do not know. I guess I can expect to be told by the weekend? But my very last payment of that benefit occurs the day after the decision and therefore will be a gap before seeing the Citizen’s Advice again.

Now I have contacted several others and a couple of these are meant to have advocates and one said to have a legal team or people. I have heard nothing yet but maybe I might get to meet one of them this week, with one in particular I know I can get to.

The rest of the time you should be off doing your stuff and enjoying other stuff. But you cannot and it is like having days being stolen from you. Time being stolen. In essence that is what it is.

As everyone knows you need time to do anything and in this digital world where there are no hoards of bloggers because everyone has a smartphone in their pocket you need more time than ever before to get anything achieved. Or even get up to a level that becomes noticeable.

When I say ‘noticeable’ I really mean that enough people are aware of you that shows that your heading in a direction … a good direction or the right direction.

Another annoying and rather unwanted distraction is this weird irritation I have around my eye as it has been playing up more and more the last few months.

It should be some replied that I finally have a hospital appointment about it after mentioning it to several GP’s over the last 4 years or so. Would be just my luck, perhaps a gift, that it would turn out to be a tumour or growth of some kind that needs an operation. Yeah that being a gift does sound strange but when everything has been as difficult as it has been at times you get fed up with trying to find or fight a way out of it. Especially when it is down to finding other people to tell you what to do, help or even act for you and they are few and far between.

Well almost non-existent to be honest and if the Citizen’s Advice comes to nothing then it would have been completely non-existent.

There are times when I think that despite my blogs it would take nothing short of my death for things to change?

Maybe that is just how it is destined to be? Who knows?

Maybe by attempt to help others on-line was always going to turn into my demise and even death on-line to wake people up? To make people care about others more?

To me it always comes back around to everything being negative and impending doom to finding a way to turn it back around the being positive.

The urge is to dig into the skin above the eye socket as well as put pressure into and around the eye socket because it feels like there is something there, like pressure, that needs release. This is my right eye socket, or from the view of someone else, my left eye.

A quick search and something called a Lipoma seems to fit the description … only that with Lipomas there is no mention of an irritation or sensation with other people noticing the lump being literally the only symptom. It basically is a build up of fatty tissues and they do noot seem to know why it happens.

Almost oddly perfect in this is the fact that I also seem to have an issue with my throat on its right side and always had an issue with my right ear, the latter for a very, very long time.

Also weird is that many of my long list of symptoms are either located on my right side or appeared on my right side before later appearing on my left to become bi-lateral, meaning occurs on both sides of the body. Both feet or both legs etc.

So I have an irritation or lump on my forehead and there is such a thing as Forehead Cancer, a type of skin cancer. I feel like I also have a lump inside my eye socket too, it feels like the two things are connected but may turn out not to be.

I am also to have a colonoscopy at some point due to recurring trapped wind type pains that are pretty severe.

But I was socked to find out something extra about brain tumours. Now you may or may not know that I have been having not just a return of my black outs but that these have been rampant and I have experienced a full on seizure, blacking out to the point of unconsciousness and remaining that way for ten minutes, according to Mr and Mrs Harfcell who just froze 100 metres away from me and just watched. The two harfs make a hole in this instance, lol.

So where tumours in the head or brain are concerned it already does not look now sound that good so what if I was to state that I have discovered by a surgeon on YouTube, that brain tumours can cause abdominal pain?!

So now it really does not look good, right?

Well you have to face these possibilities and oddly if you try to talk to anyone about this they tell you you are being morbid and not to think or talk like that. Like not talking about it cures the cancer if you have it!

I know people react like this so I do not even bother to talk like this. They know I have the upcoming neurology appointment and that is about it.

I would imagine that some would panic about losing me or me just not being around any longer as I am a go to person when things get really bad, tricky or something complicated needs solving or an understanding or explanation given in layman’s terms.

That first appointment is in August and I do not know what will happen and nor do I even know if I will have a home around the time I have the appointment. It is likely that I will but just about barely or barely hanging onto it via the help of some other group, body or organisation?

Fingers and toes well and truly crossed here but if I am destined to be kicked out of my home and lose all the tools and gadgets I have worked so hard to acquire to help me and my blogs then a death sentence via cancer might just be more humane than living through all that yet again?

I may even turn out to be epileptic?

Imagine though for a moment . Needing surgery and either being homeless at te time or about to be? All this because they failed to diagnose a condition for over a decade and then refuse to give any support because the name is not as widely known as something like ‘diabetes’?

I have said this before … say the ‘C’ word, diabetes or even epilepsy and everyone is like ‘oooh poor thing … let us help’ but say something rare or they have not heard of and you get nothing more tan a shrug of the shoulders. Sometimes metaphorically speaking too where the attitude is nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders.

It is almost like a ‘get out of jail free card’ whereby they do not have to worry or more accurately seen to worry because no one knows what it is or very few people know of the condition’s existence?

Now I imagine that this is the only concern of just about every charity out there that specifies in one condition or other? Be it heart problems and a long list of other things right around to my own condition of Fibromyalgia?

Ask for money to have a website and write the odd letter to your government asking them to take more notice of said condition? Other than that you contact them for help, they tell you they cannot and then explain how to spot your condition? A bit annoying when you have spoken to one of the top people in the country on your condition and they did not even know the name of the only drugs that deals with the very core of the problem. Yup .. annoying!

Now with this digital age and with the Internet in almost everyone’s pocket if not at home it would be very easy for a list of the world’s biggest companies to spend just a couple of weeks getting everyone aware of a list of debilitating conditions. That is if they did not mind giving up primary advertising space that normally goes at a premium price similar to a telephone number?

Google and Apple are to that you could consider capable of doing this with the number of users they have not just an iny given country but across the world.

So how about on a particular web-page not having some silly logo or some reference to something or the other you have a debilitating condition for a few days or weeks?

‘Condition name and here is what it does!’

Something like that. If both companies did this they would get almost all people on Earth as they normally have an Android phone or an Apple phone. Throw in the other of this particular evil trinity, of Microsoft and you have just about everyone with maybe a tiny percentage that do not have smartphones, tablet PCs or computers.

Do not worry as they are bound to hear about the condition advertised from someone they know that does have a smartphone or PC.

While I have been typing this I have been listening to a brave and poor young girl that had to have treatment on a brain tumour.

The poor girl has an anxiety disorder too!

It is eight months old and I hope she pulled through it and actually scared to look for more videos in case she did not!

This is the second one I was playing as I reached the end of this post ..

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