THE OLD ENEMY

For the first time since I started blogging I am having an old health problem dog me. That problem is anxiety attacks.

The intelligent part of me simply fails to understand what is going on with itself. Literally.

Today I am having a bad morning.

What was happening previously was that I was awaking as I used to with the all too familiar pangs of anxiety and as I said to friends … weird because you feel them before even being able to consciously think of anything.

This does suggest to me that something is going on that cannot be controlled … at least not consciously. Anyone that has experienced this will know all too well what a living hell it is. To the degree that you want to take the ultimate step to stop from experiencing it and is one of those things that get me annoyed whenever scientists talk about how perfect the human body is. Not in my mind it is not.

I do not know why I experience these feelings and I wish I did.

Fibromyalgia Syndrome is the only thing I have ever come across that goes some way to explain why they are happening but not thee cause. Or more accurately where the human body or more specifically mind that is going wrong or how.

I have been out of the house and over doing things helping someone out I know. A job that we did before in merely a couple of hours has been dragging on for three days. Each day I have over done it which leads to many things going on. But feeling anxiety in the morning I was only thankful that I had something that got me out the house to do, be around someone else and therefore take my mind of the anxiety. This helped to alleviate it.

I have also had a meeting with the Citizen’s Advice Bureau who have been helpful, thankfully and to my surprise as I was frustrated with them previously. Over not knowing or knowing how to do with bailiffs breaking several laws and defrauding you along with physically attacking you. Before robbing you of £4,000 for a parking ticket. That caused an unbelievable amount of anxiety when I realised that laws only exist for poor people. The reason I have still not worked out as yet … the others my have done and would be interested in hearing various theories.

It does not work out in any other way as intelligence has nothing to do with it, if your fair game your simply on someone’s hit list somewhere.

Though the meeting with the Citizen’s Advice Bureau was helpful they also revealed something in the hour long meeting. This was merely met with an “oooh … typical” response from me. But since leaving the meeting has gradually played on my mind.

This is all because if the DWP being unfair and entirely unreasonable in both their demands and opinions while not actually answering a simple question I had put to them several times. The Citizen’s Advice answered that one almost immediately. They did this by telling me that I could not be getting Incapacity Benefit as it stopped years ago and then a few minutes later stating that this problem I have was occurring because I still received this benefit and that they were transferring me over to Employment Support Allowance. This made complete sense. However and despite asking the DWP four times why I they wanted me assessed for a benefit I do not receive I got no reply. I stated that of course they see the switch over from IB to ESA as an excuse to try and save money by making someone’s life a living hell for the umpteenth time.

No what it was that was said is when I was asked if I get help with housing to which I answered that I do. “Oh they will stop that” came the response to which I said this was typical.

This had not occurred to me … but it bloody well does every minute of every day now!

SIGHS

Once I was away from the centre I was thinking about the consequences of this. Once again and despite my many efforts I am being faced with this once again. I wish he had not told me that.

Still I keep telling myself that they are willing to help me and that they were confident sounding about getting the decision of the DWP reversed. One friend and one family member have been telling me the same thing but so many times in the past things have gone wrong no matter what I have tried to do. I have said to them that it should be different and not as bad because this time I not only know what my ailments all are but I proved them and got official diagnosis for them too. But one particular diagnosis was only listed as the pain I get and the diagnosis exists only in the recording of Guy’s Hospital diagnosing my Fibromyalgia Syndrome at the same time!

I have one friend who has been telling me to get inn touch with the Doctor at Guy’s Hospital, or his secretary, to tell them of what has happened in the hope of getting a letter from a specialist to stop the nasty, inhuman and amoral DWP from doing that which they are attempting to do?

I will do that over the next day or so.

Got a new phone but wondering why I did, though the old one was seriously playing up along with refusing to charge, or discharging quickly on occasion.

I have also been smoking!

AS for the anxiety … its like your heart is made out of elastic bands directly linked to your nervous system and a gorilla is swinging around on it! It is quite horrible and I often wonder what is worse … the worst pains I experience or the strongest feelings of anxiety?

I am often undecided or change my mind depending on which I am experiencing at the time.

If there exists sufferers of anxiety attacks that have this feelings over things far less serious than those that bring mine on … my bloody word I feel for these people. I find it difficult in the rare occasions I get these finding a way to both live with them and perform normal daily functions with them!

I will lose weight, of this there is no doubt.

It was thinking of fellow sufferers of the things that dog me and the victims of things that I was victim too that got me thinking about blogs in the first place.

I have spent nearly four years trying to help others and now find myself in a pace I never imagined I ever would again! Yes the very thought of where I am right now is both astounding and quite unbelievable and thought these feelings I had seen the back of once and for all.

I had taken some extra Amitriptyline and am wondering this morning if I forgot to take my pills yesterday or even Thursday, day before yesterday, when I was panicking bout getting to the Citizen’s Advice on time, whether I would get struck down and not get their at all and remembering all the things I needed. Or even if I had thought of all the things I would need?

To the latter statement … as it turns out I had too much. Better to have too much than too little.

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