I finally got to the GP Surgery again today and I am back again on Thursday. This time I finally took in the two … umm samples they wanted for testing and they took a load of blood, which would have been collected midday today.
Damn, that means they will phone me again after the weekend to get me in again?! God I hate all this running around and I will have to do more with two hospital referrals!
Back to the grindstone I thought I had finally escaped.
It is funny the things people say without thinking. I was getting the sort of usual crap off people I was expecting, due to being discarded and not thought about. Someone asked if I had heard anything and then remarked about how horrible it was.
I then pointed out that we do not know what had happened yet and that there were more than a dozen possibilities and I knew them all. He then replied with something I will get to right after reminding visitors here of what I have said over and over again which I have told people I know over and over again and they seem to forget.
I am interested in facts only.
I have stated, if you search this blog, several times that I am not one of these usual conspiracy theorists as governments have intentionally labelled them as mad.
But I do have theories on conspiracies and 90% of them I have gone out and acquired proof on and it is as simple as that.
Now I was speaking to another friend of mine who I first suspected had been told that I heard him say not very nice things about me on speaker-phone and then had confirmed he was told I heard it all. They seemed relieved I was talking to them but the truth is that was what I expected to start happening. They know this now and realise. So I had to play some jiggery-pokery and bobbing and weaving this last week. It is not over yet.
I told this friend that when I was explaining to the other mutual friend that there were possibilities he replied that ‘your just making excuses for them’.
I am still protecting someone and something and I do not even know if there is anything there to protect?!
I pointed out to my friend today that our other friend stated something that did not make sense as I was merely pointing out that I cannot decide on anything because I do not know the truth. I have a list of theories and one of them is correct. Until I get absolute confirmation they remain … all remain as mere theories.
How could that be making excuses and how does making excuses come into play at all when your someone only interested in the absolute facts?
I remember thinking ‘Oh some I am supposed to start slagging them off, calling them names like ‘selfish’ and ‘cruel’ because this is now what you think?‘
So I go with cruel, selfish and nasty and wind myself up over the situation and then what happens if it turns out to be one of the other theories I think it to be?
It is certainly not what I was told and this is the upsetting part. It isn’t the money I paid out which has left me struggling for eleven months now, oh no.
It is being cut out, lied to and made to look like a fool and left to look like a fool for God knows how many months.
In those months having people press upon me their opinions and want me to start believing the worst when I do not even know what has happened or why?
*Sigh* … people. They just do not think sometimes and get tired of it, pointing out the flaws in their theories that shows they have not thought it through, which they then do not like and then want to argue the point when they have no foundation to their argument whatsoever. Except for the actions of another party they have not even met or spoke to.
I am, however, hearing something from people more and more and have been told this by no less than four people now …
‘You have gone on and supported this emotionally and financially along with being prepared for this all your life. No one would have done as much in this case as you have done. You have done nothing wrong and acted exemplary. No one could judge you in this case, no one at all!’
Yet I always answer ‘So why do I feel like I have not done enough?’
Also if I am being punished I have absolutely no idea why but come come up with something that is misguided. In fact I could probably come up with three things as I just thought of a second.
What I am worried about is that all my hard work and waiting will be used to flush out someone else in the hope that they will change, be the person they want or keep someone they want, at my expense.
Now that has the potential to not only end really, really badly but have me scouring the entire UK for someone I would highly likely want to kill.
I do mean that literally but cannot say for certain until it happens, if it happens but it is highly likely.
I will then end up in the papers using all the skills at my disposal but for all the wrong reasons … yet as I told a friend today it is likely that the the entire nation … well 90%, that this will for for all the right reasons?
Wont be any consolation if I am in jail, though likely wont be there too long?
Another day, another check on-line and another blank.
I am now worried that I will end up setting fire to a bridge that can never be rebuilt?
When the nausea I am feeling is not whacking me out that above is on my mind the whole time, except even that annoys me because there is nothing I can do about it.
What has happened has happened and I simply have to wait to find out and then move on.
Only for the first time in a very, very long time my Christmases might actually start being ruined again. Might only turn out to be one but it could end up being two?
As ever I have plans going through the motions and plans about to be set in motion that should avoid the ruined Christmases. They could prevent both but should certainly prevent he second Christmas?
Oddly enough and many years ago I had a whole string of Christmases ruined and it was more than five years before I started enjoying them again.
Even more bizarre was the fact that I thought I was really going to enjoy this coming Christmas! Now I think of those damnable mice and their concocting.