Well it is a funny time I am in and it seems to get stranger all the time and with each day that passes.
I am two days into a five day stint of finding out the truth about something I am now not sure I want to know about.
One truth will be … bad. For me and in many ways. Far too long to explain right now and far too premature to list them. But I have … already.
My odd feeling of nausea that has persisted for days continues. I remembered a time I ravelled to Hertford with a brother in his car a few years back to see his flat. I would no doubt have mentioned it on here and that I was nauseous that I fell out of the car. Literally. I spent an hour on my back in his toilet staring at the ceiling. Like you do, or I do, if I am far too drunk.
Other times I have been all round Kent in a car with him bird-watching and nothing.
The last few days I had wondered if I was able to handle being a passenger in a car and today I was for 2 miles and no I could not handle being a passenger in a car. Even for the first mile!
The rapid increase in nausea from being a car passenger was back with some force and I had to go out of a back door in Maidenhead Aquatics because I thought I was going to throw up. Well I did heave several times but nothing … err surfaced, lol.
Yah, so I seem to go through periods of these nauseating feelings whereby travelling in any motorised vehicle is out of the question!
Luckily … though a strange word to use I am not booked to go travelling on a long journey!
I cannot do it … it is a simple as that. Until this passes and I am sure that it has passed … whatever it is that ‘it’ is.
Yeah and the second day was also without any uplifting events to not only prove to myself but also to others that I have not been taken for the biggest ride in UK history! By the last person closest to you, you would expect.
Yes there are several possibilities as to why, even if many are misguided and just plain wrong.
But some are sort of listening. The friend with the car had to have it explained how bad things will be for me if I was wrong. He said no one would do what I said and be like that …
However … later on he got to hear it first hand himself and I just walked away. This will be something for another time but what took place went even beyond my sometimes wild predictions. I left him standing there with his chin on the floor and looking shocked.
Making us mugs of tea he appeared before me and I simply said “I rest my case about everything I ever said about my fears regarding the piss taking of others!”
He said he knew I was right over what transpired and stated how shocked he was at what was said.
Let us just say it has made things … a little bit … awkward and that is an understatement.
Oh well, I should not be surprised when people live up to my expectations and predictions.
My friend tried to make excuses for how people are and state that it is human nature to be vindictive and take the piss. I simply turned, looked at him and said “But I don’t do it. Name me one time that I have done this?” He thought about it and said “No, your not like that … but most people are”
He is right. Nothing I haven’t mentioned previously several times and then some.
I explained that I am now pinned down … trapped. I cannot do anything nor go anywhere. I cannot deal with certain health issues, cannot escape to somewhere or even do something to keep myself occupied or even cheer myself up if I need to.
I also had a conversation with an otherwise negative family member.
Both of these people tried to reassure me, yes they know the details of that I have alluded to for so very long on here. They both said that ..
“You have done far more than anyone in your situation possibly could. You have done everything that could ever be expected of you and a whole lot more. It has cost you much of your life and a great deal of money and anguish and not many people would have come close to doing what you did. You did way more than enough!”
I said …
“So why do I feel I have not done enough?!”
Logically I know that I have done. I know that in each case I have done more than any one else ever has and I have done this over and over again.
Significantly less than half of it is on here, and my YouTube channel of course. Yup significantly less than half.
Because some things were held back to lure others into a false sense of security and I still am.
Other things were held back to protect others.
Other things were held back to get the timing right to make life easier … buy, hey, maybe in a week or two I might find out that there was no need for me to hold back and I could have solved my own issues way, way earlier?
Maybe I might find out in the next few days that I was right in my assumptions, theories and predictions anyway? Only there are only 72 hours left for that. As I said to my friend who said that maybe I have not got it wrong.
“Yes but by the weekend … there will be no denying it!”
He realised that the event I was waiting for that takes mere minutes to perform has not happened in 48 hours and there are only 72 left of the five day week. A look of resignation that I may be about to be faced with a really harsh and extremely unfair reality will shortly take place. Hearing how others can be that were green with envy taking place within an hour earlier helped that look of resignation.
He may well have been realising that the laughter of others was something that would be the worst kind of thing to find out about?
He also realised that this was simply something I could not afford to get wrong. All other correct predictions simply did not matter and faded into insignificance compared to this one long fought battle. This was the one to not get wrong, especially when others had long since committed themselves into claiming their negative opinions.
So yeah, the nausea and vomiting was welcomed with open arms today! Not!
I showed him a brochure and said “Remember that company I ssaid makes these top rate music players you had never heard of?” He said yes and I pointed out that they sold these players at Richer Sounds, a shop he was familiar with, and showed him the players in the brochure to his wide eyed interest. Followed by a “F*CK ME!” when he saw the price of the top model. Lol.
I pointed out that I had, had my eye on the cheaper one that was a quarter of the price but that now looks to not be happening.
I am missing several items I should have by now. In January I had £1,200 plus towards a new camera, to help with these blogs and YouTube. I also wanted a Celestron Reflector Telescope with a GOTO Mount and an aperture of around 8 inches. I wanted a camera to use with the telescope but Nikons were not good for this and Canons were not weather proof! Bitch! Lol!
However early in the year without my knowledge due to the distractions I alluded to Nikon announced an SLR specifically for Astro-imaging, the Nikon D810a!
So your looking at £4,000 for both and then there are lenses of course for the wildlife photography.
There was also something else I intended to purchase and of course this music player.
So in January I had over £1,200 towards these. I would have them all right now … oooh yes and then there are the mountain bike parts to get my bike lighter. Would have had them too.
The one good thing is wildlife photography is out … until the new year and provided I can get to places on my mountain bike. I can now go further on trains of course.
But music is something I listen to when I am happy, feeling victorious or just plain content. Feeling a little miserable I do not normally want to listen to music. Did not for two days and nor today. Likely wont tomorrow either. Lol.
But then if the … proof I need came through both those things change in an instant! Well … the proof I asked for at any rate!
Odd how I never see these … periods of the colour blue coming? An annoying skill I never acquired… well never see it with myself. I often do when others are heading towards these periods. Not always but sometimes. Just never do with myself.
Maybe I misplace my trust in others? I guess this situation is down to trust. It is also down to hoping that other people see things and if they have the ability to do something about it …to stop it they would.
My friend pointed out this fact to me today, despite me being not only already aware of it but as I explained to him I had tried to force the hand of.
As I said … 48 hours have passed. Well actually more like 56 but I am just rounding it off to days.
No messages either. I had hoped for an explanation and maybe an apology and then followed by an immediate act to stem the tide.
So currently I am between a rock and a hard place and now with only one main option and one minor one that will became major left to me. Neither of which are time consuming and more to do with waiting around for others to do their thing.
Six letters and a series of … let us say meetings. Send of letters … wait for replies. Make some requests, wait for more letters with dates and wait for those dates.
Yup, that will be really interesting!
Well … actually it will … to the readers and visitors of my blogs. When it happens that is and when I can post about them.
Yes I am even in a state of limbo where the blogs are concerned. I have been wondering hard about what to do. Because the truth is my largest distraction led me to not actually work on anything! Bah-humbug!
I do have to consider the different possibilities to my situation and of course can put something in place to completely screw all that up? Well I do always have a back up plan … I just never thought I would actually need one for … this, lol.
I do not have to prove anything to others, though I cannot stop them laughing and taking the piss but they know I do not lie. But just like the situation that has headed south for the winter, I cannot assume and do not assume just yet that everyone that visits here knows I always speak the truth.
So in the event I could be a victim of a huge hoax and just like I do when I know that all GP Surgeries and Hospitals and the NHS in general lies … I always back myself up.
Makes me think of a quote made to me recently of how stupid and naive people can be when one found out what I had done and said “Well I hope you do not do that here?!”
Yeah … I have been across 5 or more GP Surgeries, 5 or more hospitals who have not only all lied but when found out tried to falsely label me as …
3) Mad and …
Each and every time … no of course I am just going to assume that the next one on the line is honest, professional, compassionate, caring and not only interested in numero uno?!
Well yeah I did! Dumb arse! LMAO!
My other plans failing to produce anything now means that I have to go though the routes and procedures I did not think I would have to go through.
I already have it all and now I will get a great deal more! I just never expected to … or at least planned to do it a whole other way.
Damn and BLAST! Lol.
So tomorrow, 4th November, it is twiddly-finger time.
The day after is squeaky-bum time.
Friday it is the look of defeat time followed by planning of avoidance time.
What I would not do for a book of First Class Stamps right now!
Or something popping up in the bloody news media! That would be even better!
Probably being punished for things not my fault? We’ll soon see.